Hungry

 

Everyone thinks it’s so great, so sexy that my husband cooks for me.

 

alton brown smearing butter (on South Park)

 

No one knows the darker truth I deal with.

 

 

Kitty Bennet: "Lord, I'm so hungry!"

 

That man is heartbreakingly slow in the kitchen.

 

pop art woman cries, "Get me a pizza!" while beating fists against man who holds her arms

 

He claims this is because his knife skills are not on par with mine (admittedly, my knife skills are a thing at which others marvel, even as the fear dawns.  I wanted to be a surgeon, what can I say?) but before I perish from starvation I want you to know: he dawdles out of malice.

 

Raj (Big Bang Theory) cooking, slowly disappears into kitchen

 

What’s worse?  He’ll have no sympathy when I finally do waste away right in front of him.  He’ll probably just complain that I’m in the way, or being dramatic, or some such nonsense.

 

hungry girl throws tantrum

 

It might not be the spiders that get me after all, my friends… I might die waiting for the best meatballs in the known universe.  Which means I’ll be dead and I won’t get meatballs.  It doesn’t get more unfair than that!*

 

 

ME:  How long is this going to take?
HIM:  Five minutes per side under the broiler, then into the sauce while I cook the pasta.
ME:  (unimpressed)  All in.
HIM:  Thirty minutes?  Forty-five?  (glances at clock)  Forty-five.
ME:  (slumps)  I’m going to die of hunger.
HIM:  You’re not going to die.
ME:  (dramatic gasping, swoons)
HIM:  (without looking up)  You’re gonna pretend to die…
ME:  (suddenly upright)  Fuck you.   (flounces off)
HIM:  (laughing)  I love you!

 

Nicki Minaj "Does anyone care that I'm hungry and I haven't eaten and I'm gonna pass out?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

* Seriously, he makes the best meatballs.  Which reminds me…

 

 

 

 

 

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14 comments on “Hungry

  1. Victor K says:

    It is awesome to have others do the cooking. We balance out pretty well (she’s a better meat chef than I have ever been, I’m good at baking and side dishes) but it’s nice to have a whole meal just done, right?

    On a more serious note – thanks for keeping this all going! It was a hell week, and it has been really good to come back in and see things that I can relate to and make me laugh. You keep being you FOREVER, you excellent writer you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Adeline says:

    Normally I’d complain and say I’d kill to have Boyfriend cook for me but… there’s a certain wonderfulness in being able to control the speed with which my dinner ends up in my belly.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I’m a naturally impatient person. As in, I leave time on the microwave because I cannot wait the full two minutes thirty for my hot pocket. He makes curry and I’m circling the kitchen like a shark. But like a whiney shark, you know? All teeth and menacing fin and “is it ready yet? It smells ready…”

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Jen says:

    I used to cook, but it usually resulted in meals that were super simple and mostly in the ‘takes less than 10 minutes variety.’ I did all this for my Parents when I was young and having Panic Attacks, so cooking has become a thing I loathe. Fortunately, after teaching my Husband the basics, he’s learned to cook just as good and in a lot of cases, better than me. So, I usually leave the cooking up to him, but I feel guilty about it all the time.

    Anyways, let us get away from my own craziness. I suppose you could always help him with the dicing of the food, would be helpful to Husband and would keep you busy while waiting and the food would come faster. You need a distraction while Hungry, maybe TV? colouring book? Internet? You should not disturb the cook while making perfection!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have offered to “help” by prepping veggies, chopping, etc. so everything’s ready for him… but I have to be careful with this because I don’t want to imply that his skills are subpar—they’re merely SLOW. I chop like a person who has been cut before—I know how to avoid it, and I also know it’s not the end of the world. He handles a knife like it’s actually dangerous.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Arionis says:

    I do a lot of cooking on the weekend; grilling, and big breakfasts. She does most of the cooking on weeknights and I clean the kitchen. However, no food hits the table on those nights until after Dr. Phil (Fuckhead) and Judge Judy (Booty) have been watched. I’d blame those two jizz waffles for me slowly starving to death, but the spare tire I wear does not support that claim.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Cheese was made for these situations.

    Liked by 2 people

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