Happy Fucking Birthday PT 1

 

 

The Guessing Game

 

 

I don’t know how y’all feel about guessing game posts—having never asked—but I freaking love ‘em.  I feel like it perfectly blends my need to feel superior and knowledgeable with my desire to interact with you more.

 

I’ve been looking for an opportunity to do another one and when my post about Husband’s birthday ran a little long, I decided it was the perfect guessing fodder.

gold mario ? mystery box

 

But what to have you guess?

 

Should I have you guess what he got?

 

Should I have you guess why he’s the absolute worst to shop for?

 

So many options.

 

Okay, here’s what we’ll do.  Advanced option for the devoted long-time fans: guess both the gift and why he’s the worst.  Skip ahead to the comments right now, without reading anything else.  The rest of you, go ahead and read on for more clues.  If at any time you decide you’ve got it all figured out, get thee to the comments.

 

 

Another gift, as you know, means I am once again a widow.  Oh, but my darlings it is so much worse than that.

 

I had to shop for him

 

shocked woman

 

Y’all, Husband is the motherfucking worst to shop for.  You might think you know someone who’s picky, who already has everything, or who is otherwise “difficult to shop for” but I promise you they don’t hold a candle to my husband.

 

Why?  Because he hates everything.  I mean that in the most serious and literal terms possible; even when he picks it out himself, he cannot be counted on to like a gift.

 

The amazon wishlist is perhaps the greatest shopping invention since the cart, yeah?  I mean, there’s literally no way to fuck it up, is there?  Person puts things on their list that they want, you look through the list and decide exactly how much their joy is worth to you, and presto!  Perfect gifting.

 

I have bought things directly off Husband’s wishlist—that he himself carefully picked out, hyped up, and said he wanted more than all the other things on that list—only to have him tell me he didn’t really like the thing and wished I’d gotten him something else instead.

 

Willy Wonka's "You get NOTHING!" rant

That was the year I told him he’d be getting gift cards from then on.

 

 

 

ME:  Hey, I’m about to place this order… do you want to check the cart before I click?
HIM:  O-kay… You know I’ve stopped looking at Amazon though, right?
ME:  ?
HIM:  Because soon you’re going to be buying something I shouldn’t see….
ME:  (cringes)  Yeah, okay.

 

 

12 Seconds Later

 

 

HIM:  (via skype) Looks good, go ahead.
ME:  K.
HIM:  And I’m done looking at Amazon again 😉
ME:  K.
ME:  Ugh, why do they do this?  “oh, all your stuff will ship on the same day and be delivered on the same day, but it’s coming in 80 different packages because we hate trees.”
HIM:  Different warehouses?
ME:  No excuse!

 

 

Now comes the bonus round, for anyone who’s made it this far:

 

What happened not five minutes later?

 

What did I give him for his birthday?

 

HINT:

 

ME:  There’s no way that guy is a real doctor.
HIM:  Yeah, probably not.  But he gets results, so I gave him a lab.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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12 comments on “Happy Fucking Birthday PT 1

  1. MedwayGal says:

    You got him one of those ‘DNA where do I come’ from thingies ?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lutheranliar says:

    I share your pain!!!!! Husbands are the absolute WORST to buy for. So. The past few years, we decided to stop. As in stop buying each other actual physical presents. We do that thing, you know, where you say: “That trip we’re taking to the Amazon? That’s our gift this year.” (Which is real, BTW, and in this case it’s actually a gift to HIM, since I honestly can think of about a zillion places I’d rather go than the effin AMAZON. Sheesh. I think I just wrote my next post. In your comments. xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dr. Strange’s Intermediate Level Kama Sutra Video Game for those who love sex but hate the mess? Dr. McGillicuddy’s Peppermint Liqueur so his breath smells good even when he’s drunk? That’s all I’ve got. If it’s not either one of those I haven’t got a clue. I will say though that drinking the second while playing the first might make for interesting evenings. :o)

    Liked by 1 person

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