It is an established fact here at ACWMH Inc LLC ©Trademark Limited that Husband™ is the expert on comic books and comic book movies, while I am a person who had sex in high school and can’t keep straight which characters are “real” superheroes and which ones were invented by Disney.
But I do have four* favorites. And if you know me at all, you can probably guess who they are.
- Batman, the original, my first love. He has the one true superpower: money. Spiderman got bit by a fucking spider (sorry bruh, that’s happened to everyone at some point and the rest of us aren’t jizzing out our hands while wearing spandex onesies) and “Super” man is just a fucking alien: back home he’s a regular guy, probably would have been an accountant or something. But Batman is rich and badass and if we ignore that time he had armored nipples, the whole package is sexy AF.
- Iron man. Remember how I said money is the only real superpower? He’s got more than basically anyone, but it turns out genius is a superpower too. So he’s technically got two superpowers, assuming we don’t count playboy or philanthropist… nope, just checked, not superpowers. But at least his didn’t come out of a test tube. Your move, Captain Bitchface.
- Deadpool.** The total package. I cannot imagine a more perfect superhero than this man right here. Unless we’re following a reasonable person’s definition of “hero,” in which case… nevermind, I’ve only got three.
- Ghost Rider. I WILL DEFEND THIS ONE DOWN TO THE GROUND. Yes, even the fact that Nick Cage. No, that sentence was not incomplete in any way. Ghost Rider is fucking badass and he made an actual deal with the actual Devil and continues to flip him the bird on like a weekly basis and he does all of that while on fire so unless you’re secretly one of the other three you don’t really have any counterpoint.
If anyone’s had even one psych class, they will have noticed a pattern.
That’s not what we’re here to talk about.
ME: Are you keeping up with Agents of SHIELD?
HIM: (cautiously) I’ve… seen all of season four, which is on Netflix now, yeah.
ME: Is Ghost Rider with them?
HIM: (hesitantly) Y-eess…
ME: Does he have a motorcycle?
HIM: (abandoning all hope) No, he does not.
ME: Then it’s WRONG.
ME: It’s all wrong.
HIM: No, it’s wrong in one very specific, pedantic way.
ME: Did they give him a flaming horse?
HIM: (with the weary air of a jaded public defender) No, they gave him a car.
ME: Do they call him Ghost Driver?
ME: Then it’s wrong.
HIM: It’s still—
ME: (not at all sorry) I’m sorry, does he ride on top of the car? Or in the passenger seat? Is it in any way a self-driving car?
HIM: No, but—
ME: Then he’s not really the Ghost Rider, is he? They’ve ruined it!
HIM: It’s one tiny, pedantic change.
ME: No, it’s everything.
HIM: (sighs) (visibly claims, for once, superior non-nerd ground)
ME: Does he still wear motorcycle boots?
ME: Does he still wear a biker jacket? Leathers?
HIM: (defeated) Yes…
ME: Then he’s a fucking poser in a pussy little CAR.
ME: What even happens when he lights on fire?
HIM: I don’t know if there’s a moon roof or something… But it’s a magic car. It self-heals. So—
ME: It’s wrong in literally every way. Agents of SHIELD are on notice that this is bullshit and they can’t keep ruining important things.
Calling me pedantic…
You know what I think? I think he got that word confused with pedestrian.
As in, “Ghost Rider should goddamned well walk everywhere before he drives a fucking car, because the Devil does not seek out douchebags who wear leather jackets while driving muscle cars. Bet his name is like, Travis or something.”
I stand corrected. His name is Robby. Fuck me. I can’t… Y’all can’t blame Nick Cage anymore when things go sideways, okay?
* Somebody check my math.
** THAT is the word that was missing from the original post, and as much as I hate editing my work once it goes live, I had to fix it… fuck you, WordPress, I can mess with the numbering all I want, you’re not allowed to delete words! Bad enough that it deletes blank space every chance it gets.