One That RIDES

 

It is an established fact here at ACWMH Inc LLC ©Trademark Limited that Husband™ is the expert on comic books and comic book movies, while I am a person who had sex in high school and can’t keep straight which characters are “real” superheroes and which ones were invented by Disney.

 

fat Mr Incredible doing Superman pose

 

 

But I do have four* favorites.  And if you know me at all, you can probably guess who they are.

 

  1. Batman, the original, my first love. He has the one true superpower: money.  Spiderman got bit by a fucking spider (sorry bruh, that’s happened to everyone at some point and the rest of us aren’t jizzing out our hands while wearing spandex onesies) and “Super” man is just a fucking alien: back home he’s a regular guy, probably would have been an accountant or something.  But Batman is rich and badass and if we ignore that time he had armored nipples, the whole package is sexy AF.
  2. Iron man. Remember how I said money is the only real superpower?  He’s got more than basically anyone, but it turns out genius is a superpower too.  So he’s technically got two superpowers, assuming we don’t count playboy or philanthropist… nope, just checked, not superpowers.  But at least his didn’t come out of a test tube.  Your move, Captain Bitchface.
  3. Deadpool.**  The total package.  I cannot imagine a more perfect superhero than this man right here.  Unless we’re following a reasonable person’s definition of “hero,” in which case… nevermind, I’ve only got three.
  1. Ghost Rider. I WILL DEFEND THIS ONE DOWN TO THE GROUND.  Yes, even the fact that Nick Cage.  No, that sentence was not incomplete in any way.  Ghost Rider is fucking badass and he made an actual deal with the actual Devil and continues to flip him the bird on like a weekly basis and he does all of that while on fire so unless you’re secretly one of the other three you don’t really have any counterpoint.

 

cat sticking tongue out "here is my counter argument"

 

 

If anyone’s had even one psych class, they will have noticed a pattern.

 

That’s not what we’re here to talk about.

 

 

ME:  Are you keeping up with Agents of SHIELD?
HIM:  (cautiously)  I’ve… seen all of season four, which is on Netflix now, yeah.
ME:  Is Ghost Rider with them?
HIM:  (hesitantly)  Y-eess…
ME:  Does he have a motorcycle?
HIM:  (abandoning all hope)  No, he does not.
ME:  Then it’s WRONG.
HIM:  It—
ME:  It’s all wrong.
HIM:  No, it’s wrong in one very specific, pedantic way.
ME:  Did they give him a flaming horse?
HIM:  (with the weary air of a jaded public defender)  No, they gave him a car.
ME:  Do they call him Ghost Driver?
HIM:  No.
ME:  Then it’s wrong.
HIM:  It’s still—
ME:  (not at all sorry)  I’m sorry, does he ride on top of the car?  Or in the passenger seat?  Is it in any way a self-driving car?
HIM:  No, but—
ME:  Then he’s not really the Ghost Rider, is he?  They’ve ruined it!
HIM:  It’s one tiny, pedantic change.
ME:  No, it’s everything.
HIM:  (sighs) (visibly claims, for once, superior non-nerd ground)
ME:  Does he still wear motorcycle boots?
HIM:  (panics)
ME:  Does he still wear a biker jacket?  Leathers?
HIM:  (defeated)  Yes…
ME:  Then he’s a fucking poser in a pussy little CAR.
HIM:  It’s…
ME:  What even happens when he lights on fire?
HIM:  I don’t know if there’s a moon roof or something… But it’s a magic car.  It self-heals.  So—
ME:  It’s wrong in literally every way.  Agents of SHIELD are on notice that this is bullshit and they can’t keep ruining important things.

 

 

Calling me pedantic

 

Original TV Robin shouts "Holy Jabbering Monkey-Christ, Batman!"

 

 

You know what I think?  I think he got that word confused with pedestrian.

 

As in, “Ghost Rider should goddamned well walk everywhere before he drives a fucking car, because the Devil does not seek out douchebags who wear leather jackets while driving muscle cars.  Bet his name is like, Travis or something.”

 

actually... (cat meme)

 

 

I stand corrected.  His name is Robby.  Fuck me.  I can’t… Y’all can’t blame Nick Cage anymore when things go sideways, okay?

 

 

dictionary definition of rider: one that RIDES

If you would like to make an argument that he was meant to be the Ghost attachment, I’m also willing to hear those.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* Somebody check my math.

** THAT is the word that was missing from the original post, and as much as I hate editing my work once it goes live, I had to fix it… fuck you, WordPress, I can mess with the numbering all I want, you’re not allowed to delete words!  Bad enough that it deletes blank space every chance it gets.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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15 comments on “One That RIDES

  1. Jen says:

    My husband has worked for a both comic book companies. He is a Colorist, Inker and Artist. It’s incredibly sad that Marvel and DC are nose-diving into oblivion. He works more in illustration now. I think the only thing keeping Marvel together is the Movies.

    Anyways, I understand the comic crazy-ness. I stopped watching SHIELD when the show moved from Colson to the horribly cast ‘Daisy.’ I agree with you SO MUCH when it comes to Ghost Rider on SHIELD. Wtf were they thinking? SHIELD was green-lighted for a new season too. ugh FFS.

    I hate Batflek. He has single-handedly ruined Batman for me. Then DC made Superman into some emo sad sack character. Really? He’s the happy superhero that is opposite to Batman. grr. I don’t mind IronMan. He okay.

    So… umm… sorry about the ranting. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rant away! You actually sparked a conversation over here 🙂

      I tried SHIELD but just… couldn’t. It was like that friend who’s fine when you’re alone but get them in front of a bigger group of your other friends and suddenly they’re trying waaaaay too hard, you know? And I couldn’t even finish out one season with Jessica Jones, because of all the stupid people… basically, I spend a lot of time mocking the poor decision-making skills portrayed in comic book movies and shows. Which is probably why I like the heroes I do… they’re clever, and when they do make a bad call, it’s because of that giant flaw we totally knew about.

      I didn’t see Batflek, because he was in a movie with the whiny alien baby and I just can’t with him, but I really wish someone would offer up whatever heartfelt apology/humiliating sexual act is required to get Tim Burton to do another Batman movie. I know… call me a romantic.

      Like

  2. bexoxo says:

    How do you feel about Deadpool? I mean, he’s not rich or anything, but he’s sarcastic like you… You have a good list though.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for asking. I read your comment and said to myself, “did she even read the list?” Then I looked up at the post and realized that goddamned wordpress did the thing again. WordPress is like a bitchy step-parent, I swear. I fought with it for like 15 minutes about the numbering, insisting that I could, in fact, have two number threes (it kept “correcting” me no matter what I did) and when I finally got it to stop, I was so excited that I just moved on and didn’t check to make sure it hadn’t pulled its other favorite trick: “Fine, that’s not technically against the rules… but I’m taking your toy!”

      What the… YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD, WORDPRESS!

      Fuck yeah, Deadpool. But, as noted, he’s not really a “hero.” He even says as much. And, as a mercenary who will do a good job for whomever he decides has hired him, he falls into the same category as my spirit animal, Rocket: just plain awesome.

      Marvel execs, if you’re reading this (and really, why would you be reading anything else?) I don’t want to hear any of your excuses about one movie per year or your bullshit timeline… Ryan Reynolds isn’t dipped in paraffin, okay? You need to hurry up and make all the Deadpool movies now, before you lose your chance.

      Like

      • bexoxo says:

        Now that answer makes so much sense! But what really constitutes a hero…? I mean, anyone that someone looks up to, in my opinion, can make someone a hero. But that’s just my asshole speaking (ya know, everyone has an opinion/everyone has an asshole…).

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Victor K says:

    YES! Someone else who likes Ghost Rider! I read those for years and loved everything; penitence stare, chain whip, and (most importantly) the sweet ride. Sad to hear that AoS wrecked it, but I never watched the show so I was spared that indignity.

    And let’s all face it – money is the only superpower that matters. “What’s that? Villian of the month did evil thing x? Well, Tony Stark buys his country and puts him out of commission all at once. And we’re done here.” I mean, I like other comics and such, but I’m realistic enough to know where the real power is held.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Amen, my friend. I actually walked out of Winter Soldier and asked, out loud, “how long would that movie have taken if he’d bothered to call Tony Stark? Seriously, subtract that from the actual running time and somebody get me a partial refund.” How did he not have Tony on speed dial? GAWD, Cap is the actual worst at his job, and his job is literally just to be nice. He’s like the Miss Congeniality of superheroes, ffs. Not even actual Miss America or Miss New York or Miss Brooklyn Transit, just Miss Congeniality. No responsibilities, just smile and be kind, CAN YOU HANDLE THAT, YOU LAB RAT?

      I’m sorry… we were talking about Ghost Rider. Who is awesome. Probably because he’s not secretly working for Hydra, but hey…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. LOL! Love this.

    You didn’t mention He Man?

    Like

  5. tiredwife says:

    I’m pretty much meh, when it comes to super hero’s. I mean, I like Thor because he is pretty and is sort of awkward on earth and apparently I like that in a man.

    I like my superhero’s based on how sarcastic and inappropriate they are. Like Iron man. The sarcastic comments is why I like Iron man. It’s why I LOVE Deadpool. Or Awkward, which is why I adore Guardians of the Galaxy. Maybe I just like Misfits?

    Liked by 1 person

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