There is a thing that happens around here so often, I forget to mention it to you.
I’m not really going to go into it now, either.
Well, I am, but only in passing and only because this time Husband really blew his lid, and I know how you enjoy that.
Recall, if you please, a few pertinent facts:
- I am generally not permitted to take part in the grocery shopping, for reasons of expediency, space, and budget.
- I am me.
- Husband is an Engineer.*
The thing: while in the grocery store, he will receive a call or a text, “reminding” him of a thing I forgot to put on the list.
Yes, I know, that’s not really A Thing. But it was the catalyst for this exchange, and I needed to tell you about it in such a way that you would actually absorb the information. Thank you for your cooperation
HIM: (returns from the grocery)
ME: Hey, did you get the—
HIM: Veggie stock? Yeah, I did. And you need to quit doing that shit. I asked you before I left if you needed anything.
ME: I didn’t remember then.
HIM: I asked you hours before!
ME: And I didn’t remember until you were in the store!
HIM: Quit doing that!
ME: What, I should never forget anything, ever?
HIM: Yes. I’m reminding you now, so that should be sufficient.
ME: FINE! I’m remembering just now that you’re an asshole!
HIM: I remind you of that every day!
Someone will, at some point, comment on my calling my husband an asshole. Let me address this issue preemptively:
HIM: What’s up? What do you need?
ME: (smiles, folds hands primly) At some point, my readers are going to take issue with the fact that I call you an asshole.
ME: So, for the record: are you an asshole?
HIM: (solemnly) I open my mouth and shit comes out. Yes, I’m an asshole.
ME: (facepalms) I don’t… why was I not recording? There’s something wrong with me.
HIM: (laughing) It’s true!
ME: And that’s your definitive answer on the subject?
HIM: Yes. By every definition and measure of the term, I am that thing.
ME: A… all right then.
Generally he just says “But I am an asshole.”
Trust him to fuck up his line. Engineers!
* The most unreasonable of bipeds.