There is a thing that happens around here so often, I forget to mention it to you.
I’m not really going to go into it now, either.
“Then what am I supposed to do? My job?”
Well, I am, but only in passing and only because this time Husband really blew his lid, and I know how you enjoy that.
“Suck it, work!”
Recall, if you please, a few pertinent facts:
- I am generally not permitted to take part in the grocery shopping, for reasons of expediency, space, and budget.
- I am me.
- Husband is an Engineer.*
The thing: while in the grocery store, he will receive a call or a text, “reminding” him of a thing I forgot to put on the list.
Yes, I know, that’s not really A Thing. But it was the catalyst for this exchange, and I needed to tell you about it in such a way that you would actually absorb the information. Thank you for your cooperation
HIM: (returns from the grocery)
ME: Hey, did you get the—
HIM: Veggie stock? Yeah, I did. And you need to quit doing that shit. I asked you before I left if you needed anything.
ME: I didn’t remember then.
HIM: I asked you hours before!
ME: And I didn’t remember until you were in the store!
HIM: Quit doing that!
ME: What, I should never forget anything, ever?
HIM: Yes. I’m reminding you now, so that should be sufficient.
ME: FINE! I’m remembering just now that you’re an asshole!
HIM: I remind you of that every day!
ME: (laughs)
Someone will, at some point, comment on my calling my husband an asshole. Let me address this issue preemptively:
HIM: What’s up? What do you need?
ME: (smiles, folds hands primly) At some point, my readers are going to take issue with the fact that I call you an asshole.
HIM: (chuckles)
ME: So, for the record: are you an asshole?
HIM: (solemnly) I open my mouth and shit comes out. Yes, I’m an asshole.
ME: …
HIM: (laughs)
ME: (facepalms) I don’t… why was I not recording? There’s something wrong with me.
HIM: (laughing) It’s true!
ME: And that’s your definitive answer on the subject?
HIM: Yes. By every definition and measure of the term, I am that thing.
ME: A… all right then.
Generally he just says “But I am an asshole.”
Trust him to fuck up his line. Engineers!
His response? “It checks out”
* The most unreasonable of bipeds.
First: Engineer = Asshole. That’s just a given.
Second: Who *doesn’t* do that? Is there some mythical demigod out there who actually writes shit down right away when they run low on something? That sounds like a really boring person who I wouldn’t want to spend time with. Or my mom, but she gets a pass because she bakes things for me still.
Third: Don’t know about anyone else but the link I got in the email notice this morning was broken. I had to open it side by side with the proper website link to see that the date in the email link was 2017-09-07. Never ever a criticism, just getting info out there so that hopefully it doesn’t stop others from finding the funny.
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Yup, you’ve seen behind the curtain. Sometimes WordPress and I have these little… disagreements. Like when I click “schedule” and WordPress decides what I meant was “post that shit right fucking now instead of in a few hours.” Then I go around, doing all the cleanup I can, but I can’t recall alerts that were sent, because they’re not sent by carrier pigeons.
And I don’t actually know how to train pigeons anyway. I know a guy who was into it, and he explained it once; I fell asleep partway through. So that’s why you don’t have pigeon alerts. Don’t even bother asking for them.
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I keep a post-it note in the kitchen with two columns: “Grocery” and “Walmart”. I add to the columns as things come up.
Then I leave the note in the kitchen and go to the store.
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You’re waaaaaaay more organized than I am. I have a list app that goes to the store with me, but the only items are either on a list for another store (cosmetics to try, not found at the grocery) or stuff I needed two trips ago and someone forgot to tick off.
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I left out the part where I forget everything I had written on the list…or was that sufficiently implied? 😀
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Nope, caught that… but the fact that you have a useful list puts you way ahead of me!
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My husband will be the first to admit he’s an asshole. In fact he’ll say “I’m an asshole so sue me”. I admire his honesty.
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Ah, but have you tried suing? I’ll bet we could get a class together…
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As usual, you slay me. Say hello to the Engineer for me. My Dad was one (!) so I kinda get what you mean (!!!)
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They’re a breed apart, aren’t they? I won’t tell him anything for you, because I’m watching Halloween-appropriate Netflix and he’s refusing to participate in the season.
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I love this because it is so real!! I call mine a poo lizard (as in V – the show about the lizard aliens that come to earth)… I like to tell him to go eat mice when he is being a poo lizard! … thank you again for making me laugh x
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“Go eat mice,” too funny! I just threatened to murder mine and let the dogs eat his face, but yours is cuter.
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