It is an established fact that all cats are assholes. This is their baseline personality, their resting state, if you will.
Even the baby cat, whom I so adore, deliberately trips people on the stairs just to prove he can. He will then groom himself over your prone and broken body, to further demonstrate that he is excellent and you are weak.
So it should come as no surprise to anyone* that when I tried bringing him into my bedroom for feeding time—to give him a chance to cuddle in between gorging himself on expensive canned food—he snubbed the food offerings and instead peed on my closet door.
ME: You are such an asshole, cat! Bad, bad cat! Bad!
OFFSPRING: What did he do?
ME: He peed on my closet!
OFFSPRING: … On?
ME: On! On my closet door!
OFFSPRING: Wow. Dick move.
ME: Right?? (down the stairs at cat) DICK MOVE!
OFFSPRING: That was such a dick move—
ME: YOU’RE A DICK! No, don’t you come up here. I’m done with you!
OFFSPRING: … You should rename him Richard.
ME: YOU HERE THAT?? YOUR NAME IS RICHARD, DICK! BECAUSE YOU’RE A DICK!
BABY CAT: (pauses, retreats down stairs)
ME: That’s right. BETTER STAY OUT OF MY WAY, DICK!
But I didn’t come here today to bitch about the cat. Who, as we’ve established, was called Richard for some time.
No, I can’t complain about him too much, because it didn’t take Husband long to do something even worse.
ME: You are such a dick. We’re changing your name to Richard Two.
HIM: Richard Two?
ME: WE ALREADY CHANGED THE CAT’S NAME TO RICHARD SO YOU HAVE TO BE RICHARD TWO!
HIM: O-kay… what did I do this time?
ME: You locked the fucking salsa.
ME: I mean, it’s one thing to close it—I expect that, and I’d be upset if you didn’t—but to lock it so no one else could get any? That’s a dick move.
HIM: (laughing) Maybe you’re just too weak—
ME: DON’T EVEN TRY TO BLAME THIS ON ME! Your son tried to open it too! We needed hot water to unlock it!
HIM: I’m sorry I locked the salsa.
* Except me, because I am an idiot.