A Tale of Two Dicks

 

It is an established fact that all cats are assholes.  This is their baseline personality, their resting state, if you will.

 

cat calmly walks up to horse, then leaps up to grab genitals; horse panics

Proof.

 

 

Even the baby cat, whom I so adore, deliberately trips people on the stairs just to prove he can.  He will then groom himself over your prone and broken body, to further demonstrate that he is excellent and you are weak.

 

skinny cat

Skinny but evil.

 

 

So it should come as no surprise to anyone* that when I tried bringing him into my bedroom for feeding time—to give him a chance to cuddle in between gorging himself on expensive canned food—he snubbed the food offerings and instead peed on my closet door.

 

ME:  You are such an asshole, cat!  Bad, bad cat!  Bad!
OFFSPRING:  What did he do?
ME:  He peed on my closet!
OFFSPRING:  … On?
ME:  On!  On my closet door!
OFFSPRING:  Wow.  Dick move.
ME:  Right??  (down the stairs at cat)  DICK MOVE!
OFFSPRING:  That was such a dick move—
ME:  YOU’RE A DICK!  No, don’t you come up here.  I’m done with you!
OFFSPRING:  … You should rename him Richard.
ME:  YOU HERE THAT??  YOUR NAME IS RICHARD, DICK!  BECAUSE YOU’RE A DICK!
OFFSPRING:  (giggles)
BABY CAT:  (pauses, retreats down stairs)
ME:  That’s right.  BETTER STAY OUT OF MY WAY, DICK!

 

How to draw a cat (starts with penis)

Not a coincidence.

 

 

 

But I didn’t come here today to bitch about the cat.  Who, as we’ve established, was called Richard for some time.

 

No, I can’t complain about him too much, because it didn’t take Husband long to do something even worse.

 

 

ME:  You are such a dick.  We’re changing your name to Richard Two.
HIM:  Richard Two?
ME:  WE ALREADY CHANGED THE CAT’S NAME TO RICHARD SO YOU HAVE TO BE RICHARD TWO!
HIM:  O-kay… what did I do this time?
ME:  You locked the fucking salsa.
HIM:  …
ME:  (glares)
HIM:  Huh?
ME:  I mean, it’s one thing to close it—I expect that, and I’d be upset if you didn’t—but to lock it so no one else could get any?  That’s a dick move.
HIM:  (laughing)  Maybe you’re just too weak—
ME:  DON’T EVEN TRY TO BLAME THIS ON ME!  Your son tried to open it too!  We needed hot water to unlock it!
HIM:  I’m sorry I locked the salsa.
ME:  Richard.

 

jar of green salsa with padlock on lid

Basically

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* Except me, because I am an idiot.

 

 

 

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17 comments on “A Tale of Two Dicks

  1. Gale says:

    Ah, yes. That cat reminds me of Dickface the Cat. Nothing I’m personally tied to, and it is a vague memory, but just go for a look. Dickface. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ann says:

    Loved this. I too have a Dick cat. He’ll come up to you for a snuggle, WHEN HE WANTS a snuggle but watch out because when he’s had enough he bites. Prick.
    I’d offer to trade but I like my closet doors.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TBH I wouldn’t trade my li’l angelfish for anything… he’s an asshole sometimes, sure, but he still loves me when I’m being a bitch and that’s more than I can say of most humans. Plus, when I get really worked up he’ll go into attack mode on whatever he thinks is upsetting me, which is adorable… even if it has left me defending the same useless teenager I was berating only moments before.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Jen says:

    Has “Richard” been fixed yet? The only reason I can think of for the peeing behaviour. He is a cute little thing. Will take time to get used to everything.

    We adopted a 5yr old shy cat from the shelter a long time ago. Thinking we were being good because old cats do not get adopted as often. After 3 months, she showed her true colours and turned into a grumpy cat from hell. Progressively getting grumpier and biting me every day now. She is currently 13. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, he was fixed ages ago. That’s just a cat’s go-to “I need to fuck up your world right now because I’m THAT mad” maneuver. Which, if it had been like a shirt I’d left on the floor or something wouldn’t even have been a big deal—huff, toss it in the washer, maybe grumble about pissy cats. But on the closet? Had to get out the wood cleaner and everything.

      Like

  4. Arionis says:

    Guess a pussy can be a dick too. Too much? Nah, not here.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lol you do make me laugh 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. josypheen says:

    OMG our cat sort of has a dick on his face. It’s a white mark that looks just like cock and balls.

    It took me over a month to see it, but my husband says he noticed within the first moment of meeting him as a kitten!

    Like

  7. Lutheranliar says:

    Oh my. What on earth would I do without you????!!!! I simply cannot tell how much I enjoy your posts. Remind me not to pee (from laughing) on your closet door

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Why do you even have a cat?
    Can’t stand them myself 🙄

    Liked by 1 person

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