The Face Wipe Flare-Up


We all know, by now, about The List, right?


Santa's naughty or nice list

Wrong list.



When I first conceived of The List, it was to give you a quick-reference—somewhere to check on a bored Wednesday afternoon (instead of working, obviously) to see that your relationship is comparatively normal and confirm that you are not, in fact, over-reacting.


Because you have not yet thrown a pot at anyone’s head.



But, while I gave lip service to the idea of The List as a living document it was, in my mind, a done deal.  I figured I would maybe remember some things as they came up again, but no new fight could compare to How To Light A Christmas Tree or The Avocados… at least, not without one of us collecting on that life insurance policy.



Woman concentrates while equations flash

(Still not worth it.)



Until now.  I present to you: Face Wipes.*




HIM:  I need you to not flush your face wipes anymore—they’re clogging the toilet.
ME:  What are y—
HIM:  And they even say “Do not flush”
ME:  No they don’t.
HIM:  They do!
ME:  Do not!
HIM:  (grabs empty pack out of trash)  Right there, see?  (thrusts pack triumphantly)
ME:  Let me see…  (reads) Oh, pfft.  That’s just so you can’t sue if you have shitty plumbing.
HIM:  Which we—
ME:  I’ve flushed billions of these over the years and they’ve never—
HIM:  Billions?  You have not.
ME:  Have so!
HIM:  If you’ve used even one billion of those wipes in the five years we’ve owned this house, I’ll… I’ll give you a blow job right now.
HIM:  You’ve maybe used hundreds—
ME:  Nope, billions.
HIM:  Okay, even on a logarithmic scale, I was closer.
ME:  Nuh-uh!
HIM:  I can prove it: how much do those cost.
ME:  (nervous)  Oh, now you’re gonna get mad…
HIM:  How much?
ME:  Like five bucks a pack.
HIM:  And how many are in there?
ME:  (looks)  25.
HIM:  (quickly blurts out bullshit math)  … So you’re telling me that we’ve spent a third of my salary on face wipes?
ME:  It does, you just have to use these and also my—
HIM:  I could clean concrete with a billion of those!  Hand me a billion, I’ll go wipe away our driveway!
ME:  Fine!  (hands pack)
HIM:  …
ME:  Wait!  (fetches back-up pack from bathroom, hands those over as well)
HIM:  I’m not going to—
ME:  That’ll at least get you started.
HIM:  I don’t even know why you’re trying to argue this point—



Luther's Alice Morgan making rude gesture



Take a moment to really absorb all of that, because just ahead is the moment in which you will realize that all of your arguments with your significant other were complete bullshit—you’re playing t-ball to our rugby, and I can prove it.


I was getting ready for bed when all that went down.  Which means that all that shouting and flinging and stomping around?  I was buck-nekkid for it.


Jessica Jones (from The Daily Show) stunned reaction


Because I’m a goddamned professional.







* Makeup-wearers, you know the ones—I’ve been using the Simple ones lately, but everyone’s got their brand (highly recommend Philosophy, but most stores only stock like three packs at a time and then they’re sold out when you need them.  Plus, they dry out quick, which is less than ideal.  And not technically the point.)  For those who are not familiar, it’s like a wetnap for your face, only without the alcohol burn and in a much bigger pack and… you know what?  It’s basically nothing like that.  Forget I said that.  Just google it, ffs.








19 comments on “The Face Wipe Flare-Up

  1. lariatlarge says:

    This is every argument my partner and I have ever had. I kinda love them. Because we never ever argue about anything real, so I guess we’re in the right spot 😉 (Also naked. So often.)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. bexoxo says:

    What you should do is get the fancy butt wipes and stealthily pack your face wipes in that package. That way if he makes a stink about you flushing them, you can show him that you can flush them. And if he says somethings about you using butt wipes on your face, just say you saw the hack on Pintrest or something.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I want you to know I seriously considered your suggestion. (I played it out in the shower—it was owed that degree of thoughtfulness.) The problem I ran into, in my shower-scenarios (which we all know are infallible) was this: butt wipes, even the fancy ones, are not as expensive per use as face wipes. And at some point, Husband would start wiping his ass with my fancy fuckin’ face wipes. Then he would throw the empty package away, forcing me to buy a whole new container of ass wipes, dispose of them discreetly, and refill them with face wipes… and come up with a brilliant reason why he shouldn’t be using them for their “intended” use of gently cleansing his shit pipe.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Jen says:

    Actually, it is a bad thing to flush any type of wipe, even if it says they are flushable. A lot of Plumbers have made a lot of money because of this. The wipes don’t break down properly in the Septic tank for your home, they mess up the sewer lines and cause massive plumbing issues, all leading to expensive repairs. It’s better to throw them away.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Arionis says:

    IDK anything about face wipes and I conceded that your arguments are probably out of my league, but I think the one true question that everyone is thinking, and I’m the only one asking is, how does he give you a blow job?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for linking to The List! I have just spent a thoroughly satisfying hour catching up with your brand of crazy, which is so much more entertaining than mine… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ok…now I’m confused. The man gets the blow job, not the woman. What’s that all about?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. The GIFs alone were classic, and clearly the product of years of hard-at-work-Wednesdays. But I could totally see this argument play out. And while I applaud your professionalism, I gotta say…

    he’s got u on the math

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Amber Y. says:

    I wonder how he’d feel about the two different types of wipes I used multiple of to take stuff off my face yesterday.

    Liked by 1 person

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