Hair Salad


Longtime readers already know this, but I am growing my hair out.


Mad Madam Mim (from The Sword in the Stone) sings of her long purple hair

Goals.  Except I can’t commit to a color.


Not to donate—that would be a good reason—but just to see if I can do it.  Because I don’t have enough impossible long-term goals, apparently.



It’s slow going because taking care of long hair is a pain in the ass and I don’t know how I never realized that before.  Basically, anything below my shoulders must be treated as a completely separate entity from the rest of my hair, and I’m constantly doing weird shit to it.  Last night I slept with melted coconut oil soaking into it (don’t worry, I used a shower cap and put a towel over my pillow).   Shit is getting real up in here, is my point.


Husband has been observing all of this with self-preserving silence, if a bit of side-eye.


Diddy side-eye


Which is good.  It means he’s learned not to look directly at anything, lest he accidentally see it.


ME:  (coming into his office)  Hey.
HIM:  (turns)  Hey.
ME:  Are you looking at my hair?
HIM:  … No?
ME:  You just craned your neck like you were looking at my hair.
HIM:  You just came in.  I was stretching my back and turning to look at you.
ME:  At my hair.
HIM:  No… just facing you, in case you came in here to say something.
ME:  Well maybe I did.
HIM:  Okay.
ME:  …
HIM:  …
ME:  I’m going downstairs.  (storms out)
HIM:  (calling after me)  Don’t know why you came in here, the elevator’s out of order!



Offspring, I’m afraid, has no such instinct.



OFFSPRING:  What the hell was in this bowl?
ME:  (glancing)  Coconut oil.
OFFSPRING:  Why didn’t it harden back up?
ME:  Probably because my hair’s been in it.
OFFSPRING:  That’s… I’m not cleaning that.
ME:  (rinsing bowl)  Oh my god, don’t be such a baby!
OFFSPRING:  And why did we buy mayo?*
ME:  Because it’s not for food.
ME:  It’s for my hair.
ME:  Who do you think picked it out for me?
OFFSPRING:  Did he know you were going to use it on your hair?
ME:  Of course.  That’s why he got the kind in the squeeze bottle.



human made of mayo or yogurt, scooping and eating head

Apropos of nothing, but this is the sort of shit that comes up in my searches now.  It’s a fucking horror show, and I needed to share just one thing.  You’re welcome.








* A fair question, actually; we never eat the stuff, so on the rare occasion we need it, we make it (which tastes better anyway).





10 comments on “Hair Salad

  1. Jen says:

    How long has your hair grown?

    I’ve heard of Coconut oil for your hair but not Mayo. I think I would end up gagging due to the smell.

    I am growing my hair out too. It has been in multiple short and pixie hairstyles for a few years now and I think it’s time to go long again. Unfortunately, I’m growing it out from a pixie style, so I am having all of those ugly hair phases. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s about to my bra band now, which was an achievement all by itself considering what I’ve done to it. I’ve got some length left that’s been bleached at some point (fragile stuff, that) so it’s slow going yet.

      I feel you on the ugly hair phases—I started from an inverted bob, so… yeah.


  2. Angela says:

    I’ve used the “pour beer on your hair” method. It made my hubby cry to see such a waste of good beer. Did make my hair shiny and soft!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Okay. That gif on the bottom almost made me throw up on my keyboard. Because I am sort of flu-ey – sicky I think but also because that was pure grossness. I know there is something else I want to say about it but I can’t remember and I refuse to scroll up to look at it again.

    Hair. I can’t do long hair. My parents decided they didn’t want me to have long beautiful hair and instead gave me ‘baby-fine’ hair that can’t support itself without many styling agents. So, good on ya for getting long hair. :o)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Isn’t it just awful?

      I feel ya on the hair struggle. Me, I got not only fine hair that doesn’t hold a curl or do nice things easily, but goddamned wavy hair from my father. Wavy. In other words, it’s too fine to bother styling most days and bits of it stick out in random directions. Not all, like when you deliberately curl or wave your hair… just bits. Because someday Satan will approach me with a Really Good Hair contract, and I’m being softened up so I’ll sign without hesitation.


  4. Perhaps one day I will meet you in the depths and we can share Hair stories. Or just stories. OR….stories about really stupid people who wronged us in the past so we can secretly add their names to Satan’s List when his back is turned! OMG! YES!* Let’s do that! What can he do if he catches us? Send us to hell? And then we can laugh and laugh and laugh at all of those Fuckers when they find themselves in Hell….with us…….who they wronged.

    *Funny how that idea just evolved all on its own. I hope I’m not possessed or something. That would really suck.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Mayonnaise is fab for conditioning your hair, but a word of warning…always check the label to ensure you’re not using garlic mayonnaise ….I know someone who did that…It was rotten. Have you ever smelled warm garlic mayonnaise hair? I feel sick even remembering it…ok ok it was me . Jimmy went into the spare room…for a week! I had to buy new pillows. Why did you have to remind me of this? I need a drink…bye 😦

    Liked by 1 person

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