Notes From a Food Coma

 

We all have our holiday traditions—eyerolling, drinking, overeating, and vowing next year will be different somehow are popular ones—but looking back, I seem to have acquired a new Thanksgiving tradition: blogging the recap.

 

Hey, life of a blogger = no secrets, right?  Well, I’m not going to give you the blow-by-blow, but there were some… moments.

 

cornucopia centerpiece

I keep thinking I’ll do one of these, but then I remember my Thanksgiving rule: the table is for FOOD.

 

 

ME:  (coming in from a trip next door)  Ugh, those fences are terrible at night.
HIM:  They’re not any better in the daytime.
ME:  Ya-huh, because in daylight you can at least see where the gaps are and the gates—
HIM:  Have you tried using your eyes?
ME:  —and avoid the crazy old men in lawn chairs!
HIM:  … lawn chairs?
ME:  Oh yeah, they’ve decided their new seasonal thing over there is “perpetual summer” or some shit?
HIM:  Well, you do up your holidays…
ME:  I stick with the ones that are actually happening and seasonally appropriate!  It’s practically Christmas—I think—and they’re out there with a goddamned slushie machine!
HIM:  … What flavors?
ME:  (commits eyeball murder, which is a new crime I invented out of necessity)
HIM:  (calmly sips Coke, unaware of demise)  So did you at least get—
ME:  NO, because I took the wrong things over and I was so embarrassed that I just left.
HIM:  Well… (shrugs)  … It’s not getting any brighter.
ME:  (plots death of ten thousand paper cuts)

 

 

And then I woke up.

 

Cliché, I know, but seriously!  I woke up and thought holy shit, that was a weird and mundane dream but also what a typical conversation filled with him being an unreasonable asshole!  And so I rolled over to grab my phone—I needed to note the conversation, of course, but also it was Thanksgiving and I needed to check the time so I could plan my lie-in before dragging 23 pounds of turkey out of its brining bucket and starting my long-ass day of cooking.

 

The clock on my phone read 2:23pm.

Amy Pond wakes with a start

 

I snapped awake like one of those horrible morning people and screamed for Husband.

 

Who then had to listen to the saga of both dreams as soon as I realized I didn’t actually have my phone in my hand and the light was still coming in through my east-facing window.  The actual time was 8:41.

relieved and cheering sheep

 

One of our Thanksgiving traditions is my son always names the bird.  Some have called this morbid, but I think it honors the bird he used to be and connects us with our food on another level.  Plus, it excuses the fact that I’m going to talk to it anyway—damned thing is the size of a toddler and I’ve got to bathe it, brine it, bathe it again, do some secret treatments I will impart to only one person before I die, rub it all over with oil, season it liberally, and roast it ‘til its skin is crisp and its muscles turn juicy and tender.  It’s all just too personal to do in complete silence—silence makes it feel creepy and gross, somehow.

Courtney Cox (Friends) dances with turkey on head

Especially once we get to this step

 

Anyway, Offspring named this year’s model Gerald.  No, he has neither seen the movie nor read the book.  His logic was, and I quote, “he looks like a Gerald; he’s too big to be a Jerry.”

 

Gerald was prodigiously prepped, stuffed, and roasting at 500°F when this happened:

 

OFFSPRING:  That’d be cool.  Think Dad would let us?
ME:  … Huh.  I hadn’t thought about him.  Good question.  (yelling)  Hey honeeeeeeey?
HIM:  (from upstairs)  Coming!  (comes downstairs, turns left, fucks off)
ME:  (to offspring)  Where’s he going?
OFFSPRING:  (shrugs)
ME:  (calls out)  Where are you going?
HIM:  (from other side of the house)  Oh, you’re in there.
ME:  …
HIM:  (pops into parlor)  Who let you out of the kitchen?
ME:  (flays him with eyeballs, resurrecting dream crime but with a twist)
OFFSPRING:  Ooooh… (hands up, palms out, quickly mimes that he has never met this man and disagrees with everything he says)
HIM:  (quickly)  I’m sorry!
ME:  …
HIM:  I love you!

 

 

Because our kitchen was designed by satanic forces, we have the smallest oven I’ve ever seen.  We didn’t even notice it when we bought the place, because it didn’t occur to us to ask, “is this a standard-size range?”  Why would it not be?  This isn’t an apartment, and the kitchen is not tiny.  But no, in addition to making sure the cabinets don’t go all the way up (don’t get me started) they put in a tiny oven that barely holds the turkey with nothing else in there and only has one big burner up top—the other three are small.

 

I.  Know.

 

But replacing it is a major project, because cabinets, countertops, flooring, etc.  And it’s not even the point of this post—the point is that Thanksgiving dinner represents a feat of timing and planning and dimensional optimization on my part, and one that is marveled at by everyone who has seen that tiny oven.

 

Which is why Husband was taking his life into his own hands when—upon  finding me sweating and exhausted in a  kitchen (I’d just wrestled Gerald out of the oven and put in the carrots and sweet rolls) full of prepped veg and covered trays—he looked around and said:

 

“I’ve got time, haven’t I?  I mean, you just started.”

X Men Jean Grey/Phoenix

 

You guys, he said this in the room with the knives.

 

But!  He was also the one to pour me glass after glass of chef juice (some people call it wine, I guess) so I’ll probably keep him.  At least through the holidays.

 

And, if we’re listing the nice things he did on Thursday, he sat with me while I made the obligatory call to my father.*  Which I was going to tell you about but I’ve just deleted that whole bit.  You don’t need to read how that went—you’ve got your own shit going on, and if your family is awesome… please adopt me?

puss in boots begging

 

Like I said, Husband was there and at the end of the day I was reminded why I keep him around.

 

HIM:  Happy Thanksgiving!
ME:  (smiles)  You liked it?
HIM:  I know you feel unappreciated while you’re in the kitchen, but you’re what I’m most thankful for.

 

cute couple

 

Cheesy, but exactly what I wanted to hear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* I’ve not spoken to him since my birthday this year (sent a card on Father’s Day, but Thanksgiving cards aren’t really… I mean they make ‘em, but it’s not traditionally a card occasion, is it?)  Technically, I haven’t spoken to my father since nine days after my birthday—he didn’t call on my birthday, you see, but nine days later.  And even then, it wasn’t to apologize for missing my birthday, but to bitch about the state of our student loans.  I had to remind him that I’d had a birthday.  I was… upset.

So, even though I never look forward to calling my dad, this call was going to be especially loaded.  Hell, he was going to be especially loaded; I’d put off the call until after noon, which meant he’d be three sheets to the wind.  But, I had to call.  Not because he would be sad if I didn’t—if he wanted to not be sad and lonely in his old age he could have not treated me like crap, you know?  No, I call for purely selfish reasons: I want him to be the one who’s wrong, about everything, always.  And if he can forget the day his only child was born, I only even the score by neglecting even one “family” holiday.  Not.  Gonna.  Happen.  He’s getting an on-time card, call, or gift for every fucking one until the end of time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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8 comments on “Notes From a Food Coma

  1. Arionis says:

    Ha! We name our Turkeys too. This year was Tony and he tasted terrific.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Evaine says:

    That turkey sounds delicious! We definitely need a November holiday in Canada – there’s over 2 months between our Thanksgiving and Christmas. Halloween is in there, but we don’t get a paid day off for that (although we totally should).

    I definitely feel the small oven pain – we had one in the apartment we lived in for 7 years. Kudos to you for being able to prepare a feast in one! That is impressive!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel its my duty to offer you a good news/bad news gift in the spirit of the holidays…
    You aren’t the first to commit eyeball murder. “looks that kill” has been around for almost as long as me (which is as close to forever as the current political establishment is willing to go). So you won’t be getting patent rights for this. But good news is nobody has been convicted and sent to jail yet – so you don’t have to worry about disposing of bodies.

    However… I do think that you’ve got good grounds for “looks that kill – in self-defense.” And I bet theres a huge untapped market if you could teach it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel your pain. Our oven is also small and our cabinets do not go all the way up. We did notice before we bought, but it was a first-home-buyer-in-a-ridiculous-housing-market situation and we liked everything else about the house.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t know that we would have bought a different house—we love the neighborhood, the layout, and the fact that this particular plot of land attracts wildlife; all things that can’t be changed later. The fact that I hate all the fixtures, floors, wallpaper, cabinets, and gross paneling… well, we told ourselves we could change all that.

      We were imagining that Future Us would have a lot more money, of course.

      Liked by 1 person

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