Technically, these are random thoughts from my morning bathroom trance. But that sounded weird and gross and vaguely pervy in a bad way.
I’d go with Thoughts From the Bathtub (which Jenna Marbles already made famous, so half the work’s already done for me, right?) but I hate baths too much; they’re gross, and I can’t even pretend to enjoy soaking in mostly water.*
So here’s some of the random shit I think about. Welcome to my shower brain.
- Why doesn’t the moon get sunglasses? In cartoons, the sun is always shown wearing sunglasses and the moon is always sleepy, even wearing a sleeping cap on the job. But the moon is out all night with the sun full in his face, so shouldn’t he get the sunglasses? He keeps moving all night too, so where’d that lazy/sleepy rep come from? Hell, if anyone has an excuse to claim “sleepy” as their identity it’s the sun, who gets dragged out of bed at an ungodly hour every morning only to have a goddamned rooster scream at him.
- Hamilton says, “When all is said and all is done, Jefferson has beliefs. Burr has none.” But. Jefferson was the actual worst. Holy shit—is it Hamilton’s fault that we got the trail of tears? Probably. Would we still have got it if Burr had won? Maybe. I mean, Burr was such weak sauce that he would have been a puppet prez with Jefferson trail of tearsing from the sidecar. Burr was still hella bland, tho. President Mulligan, anyone?
- Do spiders have no concept of ghosts? Or of death? Because we get creeped out when moving into a house where someone died or even just being in an old neglected space where we can imagine someone died at some point. It feels unsafe to us. But spiders will happily move in where an old web is and just build on that. Other animals won’t do that: rabbits will avoid abandoned warrens, birds won’t reuse a nest, and so on. Because an empty home spells death, and whatever killed the previous occupant might return… or still linger. Do spiders give zero fucks, or is their housing market just that competitive? How badass are spider realtors?
- Could I have a chalkboard shower? They make chalkboard paint—could I just paint the whole inside of the shower with that to have a convenient note board for these thoughts? So much better than any of those shower notepads, plus I could doodle! Who doesn’t love drawing with chalk? I mean, it’d be kind of wasteful, standing around in the water just to draw pictures… and cramped, if I wanted to fully utilize my canvas… I could get a bigger shower, but that’s really wasting water. I could use a tub/shower combo, but then I’d be drawing a bath and standing in gross bath water, or sitting in it, and I hate baths. Plus, no shower! What I really need is an indoor waterpark—probably in the basement, for drainage and space—with chalkboard walls and floors. And fingerpainting, because why not? OMG, we have to do that. I should tell Husband… gah, I wish I had a way to write down these brilliant ideas in the shower… I wonder if I could do chalkboard paint in here…
- Fog is creepy because it looks like ghosts, but it’s not. Holy shit, what if it was? We’d never hear them scream, because they’re ghosts, but we’re assholes walking right through what’s left of their bodies and ripping them apart… breathing them in… blinding them with high-beams and bitching the whole time about how thick they are—is that fat shaming for ghosts? Holy fuck, fog is creepy. I’m staying in today.
And that’s what I’ve got for you so far. Love it or hate it, do say something—otherwise, I’m likely to do the opposite of whatever it is you want me to do with these thoughts in the future.
* Let’s face it: when you take a bath, you’re splashing about in your own filth. Even if you waste all the water and shower first, more skin flakes off while you’re soaking. Think about that. You’re making you soup and swimming in it. But sure, go ahead and add some salts.