All I Want For Christmas


You guys.


Remember how you’ve been looking for the perfect Christmas gift for me?

Miss Piggy: "no"


Shut up, you have so.




Okay, well… remember how my father promised me a mogwai and never delivered?


Dr Who nope


Shit, I never told you that story?  That’s so weird… I tell basically everyone I meet, just in case.  Okay quick version: I was however tiny and we’d just left the theater after seeing Gremlins (shut up, yes, I’m that old) and I told my Daddy that I wanted a mogwai.  He said, “you do, huh?”  I confirmed that yes, this was all I wanted and would never ask for another thing ever again if he got me one.  And then he said, “Tell you what, I’ll look and ask around and if I see one, I’ll buy it for you.” 

Having got caught in The Pony Trap once before, I asked, “no matter how much it costs?” 

He laughed and said, “No matter how much” and I let him lead me away, confident that my Daddy, who could find me the goddamned strawberry C-rats,* would bring home a mogwai by Christmas.


Still waiting.


little girl says "cry me a river"



But look!


ME:  Furbacca is a thing, in case you wondered.
HIM:  (looks through other recommendations)  Or the Porg.
ME:  But the Porg isn’t a furby.  So it won’t learn.  It’s basically a glorified squeak toy.
HIM:  You think Brindle needs friends that will learn to talk with her?  She already thinks they’ll open doors if she asks nicely.
ME:  No, for you!  You can put it on your desk.
HIM:  I’d need a bigger desk; mine is cluttered enough already.
ME:  Well, there’s a Gizmo one…
HIM:  (sighs)


Gizmo furby in box


I know what you’re going to say, and I’ve mentioned my current mogwai-less life to my father several times over the years.  He claims he just hasn’t found one yet.  Which we all know is bull, because he hasn’t even tried Chinatown in like, any city.  He’s just afraid that it’ll be expensive, or that it’ll have fleas like so many of my childhood finds.  Or that it’ll require ‘round the clock care like that kitten my stepmother and I smuggled in, which is ridiculous because the whole point is that you can’t feed them after midnight.  Duh.


So if you’re looking for the perfect gift for me this year—and I know you are, don’t try to deny it—there you go.  Goddamned furby Gizmo, which is almost as good as the real thing.  Almost.  Or, you could find a real mogwai and tell my father where to find it and then make him go get it because he’s already 33 fucking years late and I’m not getting any younger.




Also, the other stuff I showed you.  But really, isn’t Gizmo better than those?

clip from Gremlins, Gizmo peeking from box












* Freeze-dried strawberry purée in a foil packet.  Basically the ideal toddler snack—no idea why they stopped making ‘em.  







10 comments on “All I Want For Christmas

  1. Victor K says:

    Sorry, I had to pay the magical vehicle repair men to allow my car back on the road. Christmas is getting a bit curtailed or you could totally have a Gizmo.
    Well, since it’s not like I have shipping info or anything, a picture of a Gizmo.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Allison says:

    The strawberry snack thing, are you talking about gerber-graduates-yogurt-melts-freeze-dried-yogurt-fruit-snacks-strawberry? (Yeah, took that out of a link, but if you google you could get the link back.)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Evaine says:

    We used to feed our daughter freeze-dried strawberries as a toddler – she loved them. They were great to add to cereal. I’ve never seen a freeze-dried strawberry puree though.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Arionis says:

    Not sure about the Magwai but I did give you a Chriester Award for Christmas. It’s totally made up and not real so kind of like Gizmo? You be the judge. Details below:

    Liked by 1 person

  5. alawrenceg says:

    My dad promised me a helicopter ride when I was 9. You could see the helicopter rides taking off from the pier on the Hudson river around 27th street on the west side of Manhattan from our apartment, and that’s why I wanted one. He admitted (or made up an excuse) many years later that he was personally scared to go. For years, I thought, one of these days, I’m going to be travelling and there’s going to be a helicopter ride, and I’m going to take it and charge it back to him, but I also liked that he owed me something, and that I could keep pointing it out. Then we, the family, went to Hawaii, and took a helicopter ride for all 5 of us that was many times more expensive than the original would have been, but it was 43 years later, I mean INTEREST. COMPOUNDED. I really thought he should have paid for the whole thing, but he agreed to pay for 2/5th of it. Me and my wife. I had to pay for the kids. I settled. I sold my harassment rights at a discount. Still not sure it was the right decision, but it was probably the best I would ever do without damaging the relationship and possibly getting written out of the Will and still no helicopter, since I doubt I would have won in small claims court. Still, it’s the principal of the thing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t think your helicopter case would have been heard in small claims anyway—clearly this is a case for Family Court. You might spend more than the ride itself was worth on a flesh-eating lawyer, but your dad would pay.

      Also, you’ve reminded me that my mother still owes me a turtle. So many childhood debts…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s