Volumptuous Peeohple


I feel like this is the season for bonding, so I’m going to tell you an important step to going from Acquaintance, Person I Like, or Person Who Is Allowed to Buy Me Coffee to WE ARE FRIENDS NOW.



You gotta be willing to hate along with me.  And you’ve got to be on board with my reasons.


Mean Girls "you may think you like someone, but you could be wrong


Now, this is not a requirement for fans, so if your goal is to continue to read my blogs and have me love you to bits for reading the words that I blurt out into the ether, don’t stress this next bit. But if you want to actually sit next to me while I drink that coffee, or really just keep up with my in-person conversations?


Yeah, this is a thing.


This is how my friend Audrey learned the rule:



AUDREY:  Yeah, what the hell was going on over there?
ME:  Okay, so you know Luke’s bunny was sick, right?  Well, we all said we hope she’s doing better and he bitched about the vet bill, which meant that everybody started telling their outrageous vet bill stories—pocket pets and exotics cost more to treat, I swear.
AUDREY:  Makes sense.
ME:  Anyway, that guy says he’s decided he’ll never pay a bill higher than $147 or some weirdly specific amount.
AUDREY:  What?
ME:  Right?  So we’re all confused and Husband asked how he arrived at that figure—especially since we’d just finished telling a story of paying more than that for a guinea pig.  And he said it’s because that’s how much it costs to put them down.
ME:  Right?
AUDREY:  He’s done the math?
ME:  Plus, his wife had those weird nails where only this part (gestures) was painted.  Like the little bit by your cuticles?
AUDREY:  Oh yeah, we hate them now.



And then we continued on into Starbucks, where she was allowed to sit at the same table while we drank our coffee.

Mean Girls Karen "On Wednesdays we wear pink."



Husband, I shouldn’t have to tell you, knows and conforms to this rule without exception.


He just… well, frankly he has more fun with it than he ought to.



ME:  Oooh!  That drives me batshit!
HIM:  “Volumptuous?”  I’ve… never heard anyone say that before.
ME:  I just… I don’t…
HIM:  But language evolves…
ME:  There’s evolving and there’s straight-up mispronouncing shit.
HIM:  True.
ME:  But you know what I don’t understand?  Like, more than all the other things I don’t understand?
HIM:  (chuckles)  What?
ME:  People who apparently can’t hear the difference between two very different sounds.
HIM:  Ummm…
ME:  Like… trying to think of an example here.  Oh!  You know those giant fluffy flowers at my parents’ house?
HIM:  Okay?
ME:  They’re called peonies.  But some people pronounce them “pennies.”  And you cannot.  Correct.  Them.  I’ve tried.  You say, “Oh, they’re actually called peonies” and they say, “Right, that’s what I said.  Pennies.”  And you can even say, “No… you’re saying pennies, but they’re peonies.”  And they’ll say they don’t hear a difference.
HIM:  What the fuck?  There’s a whole ‘nother syllable in there!
ME:  Exactly!  What the hell is wrong with people?
HIM:  Peeohple.
ME:  That’s what we’ll call them from now on.












24 comments on “Volumptuous Peeohple

  1. Victor K says:

    Who thinks like that about their pets?!?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Arionis says:

    I was going to make a comment but I just realized that the mouse pointer has an affect on your blog snowfall and I’m too distracted playing with it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Leslie Nichole says:

    Hah this is great! I thought only my select few friends discussed things like this. I had never thought about it in depth but people that can’t hear the difference.. it does drive me crazy. Ugh, like I just got mad a little thinking about it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. bexoxo says:

    Those last 2 gifs were perfect. And I’m with you 100%. When people say ‘ax a question’ instead of ‘ask a question…’ like are you illiterate!? I just had to sit through training this morning where the speaker said domitory instead of dormitory every. single. time. Towards the end, I was physically cringing.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. emilypageart says:

    OMG. A guy asked me today how to spell “precede.” At least, that’s what I thought he was asking. He insisted that wasn’t right, so I said, oh do you mean “proceed?” He swore that wasn’t it either. Then I looked over his should at what he was typing and realized he was asking how to spell “perceive,” but he was pronouncing it “pre” instead of “per.” And then I was just done. Also, when I read the title, I thought it said “peehole” at first, so not only was I annoyed at “volumptuous,” I was both confused and intrigued about what a voluptuous peehole might be. Also also, I swear, my husband and I have had the Phoebe-Joey interaction when I’ve tried to teach him some French. Also also also, my husband always says “lantren” instead of “lantern.” At first it was accidental. Now he does it to bug me. Some peeohple. And finally, I once heard the provost of USF say “pacific” instead of “specific.” Le sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Husband and I are in agreement now that I must research and write about voluptuous peeholes. There’s an entire community being ignored, living in shame and secrecy, and it is my moral obligation to bring them into the light!

      Also, that’s the one weird thing I think I’ve never plugged into my image search, so I might as well go for it. Not like there’s a watchlist I’m not on at this point.


  6. The pet maths guy? Yeah no. I don’t know who that guy is but he has an enemy for life in me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lariatlarge says:

      Dude. I will punch him.

      Liked by 2 people

    • That guy is due for some sodomy-by-chainsaw, no doubt. I just couldn’t believe it—you know when you hear something so incredibly wrong that you almost can’t process it? I honestly don’t remember exactly what I said in response. I’m told I was rude, but no one was mad at me.

      I had a similar conversation with a couple who had their cat put down when they found out they were having a baby. The cat was diabetic, you see, and had to get an injection every day; they’d been doing just fine, but they figured with a baby coming they just wouldn’t have the time for a baby and a cat. So they had it put down. That time, my next line was, “Okay, I don’t think I can talk to you anymore.” They probably still don’t understand why I think they’re scum and won’t talk to them.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. lariatlarge says:

    I recently spent over R13000 (abt $1000 on exchange but probably 5x that in real terms) on my little dog who was attacked by big dogs and he still didn’t make it. The money was never in question. I will punch that guy.



    Great post, as always!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ugh, it’s like the old days of facebook, ‘liking’ a comment that’s actually quite sad. No, I’m liking that you will also punch that asshole.

      I am also so very sorry about your little one. I’m convinced that pet people die with big floppy hearts, because they keep growing and the ones who leave us never really leave our hearts. The coroner probably mistakes it for something else, given that we arrive all cleaned up and without the tell-tale coating of pet hair.


  8. useyourthinkball says:

    I have a friend I love dearly, but every once in a while she proclaims something to be DRAMASTIC. As much as I am all for there being a word that means dramatic and fantastic, she really thinks this is a word.

    I can’t even talk about the dog guy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have the misfortune of knowing exactly where and when the word dramastically was spawned.

      You can blame Kendra Basket (née Wilkinson), of Girls Next Door fame and Kendra on Top infamy. She meant to say dramatically, then changed her mind mid-word to drastically, in an interview; there was a pause while she considered the stupid she’d just uttered, then she laughed and explained how it happened. Yet dramastically lives on as some people have decided we need it as much as the Germans needed a word that meant “I’m only smiling because your life is so comically miserable that mine is blessed by comparison.”


  9. Losing the Plot says:

    Right there – I’m mentally kicking them in the crotch for the assault on my ears, actually it’s not just out loud I had to respond professionally to a comment that referred to… get this ‘Bay Root’ FFS Beirut??? seriously Spell Check, Hello! Why can’t I just slap some folk, it would take less time and be more effective I swear!

    Obviously my mistakes don’t count – they are just precious.

    Liked by 1 person

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