I feel like this is the season for bonding, so I’m going to tell you an important step to going from Acquaintance, Person I Like, or Person Who Is Allowed to Buy Me Coffee to WE ARE FRIENDS NOW.
You gotta be willing to hate along with me. And you’ve got to be on board with my reasons.
Now, this is not a requirement for fans, so if your goal is to continue to read my blogs and have me love you to bits for reading the words that I blurt out into the ether, don’t stress this next bit. But if you want to actually sit next to me while I drink that coffee, or really just keep up with my in-person conversations?
Yeah, this is a thing.
This is how my friend Audrey learned the rule:
AUDREY: Yeah, what the hell was going on over there?
ME: Okay, so you know Luke’s bunny was sick, right? Well, we all said we hope she’s doing better and he bitched about the vet bill, which meant that everybody started telling their outrageous vet bill stories—pocket pets and exotics cost more to treat, I swear.
AUDREY: Makes sense.
ME: Anyway, that guy says he’s decided he’ll never pay a bill higher than $147 or some weirdly specific amount.
ME: Right? So we’re all confused and Husband asked how he arrived at that figure—especially since we’d just finished telling a story of paying more than that for a guinea pig. And he said it’s because that’s how much it costs to put them down.
AUDREY: He’s done the math?
ME: Plus, his wife had those weird nails where only this part (gestures) was painted. Like the little bit by your cuticles?
AUDREY: Oh yeah, we hate them now.
ME: THANK YOU!
And then we continued on into Starbucks, where she was allowed to sit at the same table while we drank our coffee.
Husband, I shouldn’t have to tell you, knows and conforms to this rule without exception.
He just… well, frankly he has more fun with it than he ought to.
ME: Oooh! That drives me batshit!
HIM: “Volumptuous?” I’ve… never heard anyone say that before.
ME: I just… I don’t…
HIM: But language evolves…
ME: There’s evolving and there’s straight-up mispronouncing shit.
ME: But you know what I don’t understand? Like, more than all the other things I don’t understand?
HIM: (chuckles) What?
ME: People who apparently can’t hear the difference between two very different sounds.
ME: Like… trying to think of an example here. Oh! You know those giant fluffy flowers at my parents’ house?
ME: They’re called peonies. But some people pronounce them “pennies.” And you cannot. Correct. Them. I’ve tried. You say, “Oh, they’re actually called peonies” and they say, “Right, that’s what I said. Pennies.” And you can even say, “No… you’re saying pennies, but they’re peonies.” And they’ll say they don’t hear a difference.
HIM: What the fuck? There’s a whole ‘nother syllable in there!
ME: Exactly! What the hell is wrong with people?
ME: That’s what we’ll call them from now on.