Quickly, because this is kind of urgent: am I required to wear actual clothes to a belated holiday/new year’s party? I’ve got one last excuse to wear jingle bells and glitter coming up—because my friend Audrey totally gets me and is almost as bad at calendaring* as I am—and Husband and I were just discussing what I could reasonably get away with wearing.
ME: I’m gonna wear my fuzzy socks at Audrey’s. So I don’t fall down the stairs after too much of her mom’s rummy fruities.
HIM: Bet you could get away with just wearing pajamas. Then you can get pajama drunk.
ME: Think I should ask her? “Hey, do I have to wear pants? Or real clothes?”
HIM: You can honestly say you’re not compatible with that technology.
ME: THAT WAS A SHIRT!
Okay, by now you’ve skipped ahead to comment on the Real Clothes issue, so let’s back up and address Shirt Compatibility. Husband does this guy thing where he won’t replace his shirts unless I actually take them from him and leave him with no alternative. He will not only continue to own, but wear out in public, a tshirt with holes in.
So I’ve started telling him, when a shirt’s done in, “I’ll be having that off you.” Then he says “but I’ll need to replace it!” and I say, “no one’s stopping you!” and we go buy him one or two shirts because that’s all he can handle in a single shopping trip and it starts all over again. Sigh.
Of course, those same shirts that aren’t fit to be seen in public are great for me to wear while I’m washing my hair or something… and it’s a shame to let them go to waste just because he managed to—I don’t know—tear a hole just big enough for me to fit my hand through in the hem, right?
So then one night, we’ll be having a conversation. I don’t know, pick a conversation. Maybe about the fact that in Horizon Zero Dawn (which I’ve basically finished and am now rationing like a lone Kit-Kat at fat camp) you pick up something called Rusted Scrap and it’s supposedly something you can sell to any merchant or trade to one special merchant, only I can’t find the special merchant anywhere. I’ve looked online and found loads of people saying he doesn’t exist, and a few people saying he totally exists but he’s hard to find and hang on to your rusted scrap until you find him because the stuff he trades for is good. Amazing, even.
HIM: Yeah, it looks like they just haven’t got around to putting that merchant in yet
ME: But… people are saying…
HIM: Well… it’s not true.
ME: They… lied?
ME: People lied on the internet?
HIM: I know. It’s illegal to lie on the Internet. Especially at Christmas.
ME: I don’t like it when you make fun of me (storms out)
ME: (shouts) HELP!
ME: Ah! Help! (flails wildly)
HIM: How did you?
ME: Get it out!
HIM: Hang on. (untangles trapped wrist) How did you even do that?
ME: I’m not compatible with this technology!
HIM: It’s a shirt!
ME: (points at face) Cat!
* Well, shit. Here I thought that was another of my wordsies but nope, it’s an accepted word now!