URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUIRED

 

Quickly, because this is kind of urgent: am I required to wear actual clothes to a belated holiday/new year’s party?  I’ve got one last excuse to wear jingle bells and glitter coming up—because my friend Audrey totally gets me and is almost as bad at calendaring* as I am—and Husband and I were just discussing what I could reasonably get away with wearing.

 

light-up christmas tree hat with pom-pom ornaments

Obviously this hat is a must.

 

 

ME:  I’m gonna wear my fuzzy socks at Audrey’s.  So I don’t fall down the stairs after too much of her mom’s rummy fruities.
HIM:  Bet you could get away with just wearing pajamas.  Then you can get pajama drunk.
ME:  Think I should ask her?  “Hey, do I have to wear pants?  Or real clothes?”
HIM:  You can honestly say you’re not compatible with that technology.
ME:  THAT WAS A SHIRT!

 

 

Okay, by now you’ve skipped ahead to comment on the Real Clothes issue, so let’s back up and address Shirt Compatibility.  Husband does this guy thing where he won’t replace his shirts unless I actually take them from him and leave him with no alternative.  He will not only continue to own, but wear out in public, a tshirt with holes in.

 

distressed men's t shirt

I am aware that some men will pay extra for this look; I have never understood why.

 

So I’ve started telling him, when a shirt’s done in, “I’ll be having that off you.”  Then he says “but I’ll need to replace it!” and I say, “no one’s stopping you!” and we go buy him one or two shirts because that’s all he can handle in a single shopping trip and it starts all over again.  Sigh.

 

Of course, those same shirts that aren’t fit to be seen in public are great for me to wear while I’m washing my hair or something… and it’s a shame to let them go to waste just because he managed to—I don’t know—tear a hole just big enough for me to fit my hand through in the hem, right?

 

Right.

 

So then one night, we’ll be having a conversation.  I don’t know, pick a conversation.  Maybe about the fact that in Horizon Zero Dawn (which I’ve basically finished and am now rationing like a lone Kit-Kat at fat camp) you pick up something called Rusted Scrap and it’s supposedly something you can sell to any merchant or trade to one special merchant, only I can’t find the special merchant anywhere.  I’ve looked online and found loads of people saying he doesn’t exist, and a few people saying he totally exists but he’s hard to find and hang on to your rusted scrap until you find him because the stuff he trades for is good.  Amazing, even.

 

 

HIM:  Yeah, it looks like they just haven’t got around to putting that merchant in yet
ME:  But… people are saying…
HIM:  Well… it’s not true.
ME:  They… lied?
HIM:  (nods)
ME:  People lied on the internet?
HIM:  I know.  It’s illegal to lie on the Internet.  Especially at Christmas.
ME:  I don’t like it when you make fun of me (storms out)
HIM:  I—
ME:  (shouts)  HELP!
HIM:  ?
ME:  Ah!  Help!  (flails wildly)
HIM:  How did you?
ME:  Get it out!
HIM:  Hang on.  (untangles trapped wrist)  How did you even do that?
ME:  I’m not compatible with this technology!
HIM:  It’s a shirt!
ME:  (points at faceCat!

 

kitten trapped in yarn

I got my wrist stuck in there one more time, and he just cut the damned thing.  The shirt, not my wrist—though it was a close call with all that flailing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* Well, shit.  Here I thought that was another of my wordsies but nope, it’s an accepted word now!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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12 comments on “URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUIRED

  1. Victor K says:

    Once again, I read the first line and had to pause and think to myself that I am going to all the wrong parties. Then I went on and realized “Oh! Just not regular street clothes!” and it made a bit more sense.

    Nah, pyjamas are fine for a party where the host knows you well. As long as it isn’t billed as a black tie event you should be cool. Hell, get her to make that the official dress code. You’re persuasive, I have faith you could make that happen.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Funny you should bring up my persuasive abilities… part of the reason for this party’s late date was my reaction when she announced she didn’t have time to schedule her usual holiday do.

      Now I’m disappointed that I didn’t think to make Animal Onesies the official dress. Oh, well… there’s always next year!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Jen says:

    No harm in asking the Hostess about what is acceptable to wear.

    My Husband likes to hold onto shirts too. Maybe it’s a universal guy thing? At least he won’t let them hit the hole stage. Instead, he will buy loads of the same plain shirt online. Online shopping is much easier for the guy brain I think.

    In HZD there is a Main city that features the King and has several merchants that all go by different specialities. The only one I can think that might be “special” would be the merchant that takes the “flowers” you find all around the map.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Gale says:

    Oh. Oh. Oh. OH! I so need this on a t-shirt. I even have … ummm… I even know of a few t-shirts I have that have floated to the top of the mound often enough to qualify as get-riddable or throw-outable or whatever other term could fit the bill, leaving space for another t-shirt. (Yeah, I don’t expect this rationale to work at all well!)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Evaine says:

    I am all for wearing pyjamas to parties. That way you don’t even have to change when you’re ready to go to sleep/pass out.

    Liked by 1 person

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