Laugh and He Laughs Alone

 

First off, before I even start, I have to confess that I pester Husband about this blog.  It’s not required reading or anything, but I know he reads so I like to know the very instant he’s read a post so I can get his feedback. 

 

 

"I'm sittin' in my cahir, relaxing, getting blackout drunk, and you're leaving me alone" (from Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

Poor him… not how it goes down.

 

Which, yeah, maybe sounds annoying.  But I do it for yoooouuu!

 

Because sometimes, y’all, his feedback is just so… so exactly what this blog is for that I have to share it with you.

 

 

 

HIM:  I can’t believe you told the vibrator story.
ME:  I will never stop telling that story.
HIM:  I know… but it’s all “Christmas Christmas Christmas” and then “can you believe my vibrator didn’t last a year?”
ME:  (giggles)
HIM:  You’re supposed to take it out.
ME:  (gasps)  I—
HIM:  (laughing) I know, I just had to make it worse.

 

 

I needed to tell you about this not only because it’s timely (you’ll recall I told you the vibrator story last week—if you missed it, please go back and read it now, so it’ll be old hat the next time I tell it.  Which I will, because I will never stop telling that story) but because it’s thematic.

 

No, this is not another vibrator post.  Nor have I found another alarming sex toy online (and honestly, if you’re looking for more of that The Dog Snobs used to do a feature called Sex Toy or Dog Toy? that’ll turn you off either sort of toy forever.)  This is about my husband, who thinks he’s funny.*

 

Wait.  First, I need to set this up: if you follow me on Instagram, you’ll recall that Offspring finally lived up to his genetic potential this past Christmas, wrapping some truly impressive gifts including one for his girlfriend for which he made his own bow.  I was so proud.  And yes, Girlfriend loved the gifts (which were thoughtful and the result of some really excellent sales shopping, again making me very proud) but she also kept the bow, because it was just that lovely.  It was a real passing of the torch sort of thing, when I handed him that giant spool of glittery black ribbon, which is always bittersweet for parents.

 

gift with perfect bow

Not bad for his first ever.

 

 

ME:  Okay, let me know if you need any assistance from the Wrap Master!
OFFSPRING:  Yeah, never say that again.
ME:  Oh, if they gave a Grammy for gift wrapping, I’d be taking it home every year.**

 

 

Not being one to suffer for lack of an audience, I took my new title on the road.  Completely forgetting who I’d married, I went to my husband in search of the praise and adoration which so nourish me.

 

 

ME:  Apparently, I’m not allowed to refer to myself as a wrap master.
HIM:  Well you are if there’s a wrap battle.
ME:  Right?
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  Up top!
HIM:  (high fives while laughing)
ME:  …
HIM:  (still laughing)
ME:  Seriously, how much do you enjoy your own jokes?
HIM:  (laughing even harder)  So much more than other people!

 

David Tennant laughing

 

You see?  This blog is not only about him, it’s for him.  This is an indelible record of the things he says, so that he can go back, year after year, and laugh at them.

 

And, since once again we didn’t do anything special for our anniversary this (last) year,*** let’s call this whole blog my anniversary gift to him.  Pretty fucking amazing, right?  I’ve been working on it for years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* He also thinks this blog is about me, but I can’t go into that right now.  Because it’s ridiculous.

**Admittedly, some years I’d have to steal it from Martha Stewart.  But that’s just because she can afford to put goddamned jewelry on her gift tags.  And either way, it’d be coming home with me.

*** We’re really bad at our anniversary.  Some of our friends have multiple anniversaries, like the anniversary of their first date and their first kiss and the proposal and the anniversary of the date their first child was conceived and we consider it an accomplishment to remember our anniversary on our anniversary— usually one of us will remember a few days later, while writing a check or something; we’ll both feel bad for a minute or two and then we shake it off because there’s always next year.  Or Valentine’s Day (which we rarely celebrate at the same time as anyone else either.)

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

7 comments on “Laugh and He Laughs Alone

  1. LOL! Anniversaries? The Viking and I haven’t managed to remember our anniversary in 10 years. We actually had to officially get married in order to have a definite date to celebrate our love or whatever. Before it was always the first weekend of July because that’s all we remember….but then we forget anyway. Perhaps all the drunken-ness on the first weekend in July is the real issue. Our wedding was no less drunk though so we’ll see next year if we remember.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know you’re proud of your well-earned title as wrap master (unless Martha steals it from you by cheating), but I gotta say, it takes a special kind of superwoman to wrangle a return out of Amazon. For a used vibrator.
    I don’t know exactly what title or award goes with this (aside from a shiny new vibrator of course), but I suspect Husband would come up with the perfect title. (or at least he would think it was wicked hilarious…)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Refund. They didn’t take it back, remember? They were suuuuuuuuuper clear about that. (Also, I asked Husband to weigh in on the title issue; he gave me his most serious ever look and said, “I’m not qualified and would not presume. That’s how you get in trouble.”)

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ha!!! You’ll have to forgive my shopper terminology pho-paw. We’re gonna have to deal with this kind of thing until spell check figures out how to read my mind(which should be really easy – it’s just after-breakfast naps, hiking, and sex)

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Arionis says:

    You have taught your padawan well Wrap Master. Me, on the other hand? You can call me Wrap Disaster. This is me wrapping…

    https://giphy.com/gifs/how-presents-wraps-U2pCQHb2mOl7G

    Liked by 1 person

  4. lariatlarge says:

    My partner remembers our anniversary is because it’s on my birthday (best birthday EVER, obv’s) so it’s a BIRTHDAYversary and my birthday is the one date she never forgets.
    Not as good at the month as the date, to be fair. last year she had to scramble for recovery.
    Right date, though, so I forgive her.

    She’s not good with time. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s