Hey, let’s do that thing where I tell you about a thing that happened and you tell me* who was right, who was wrong, and who should be ashamed of their actions that day.**
HIM: I stayed up so late last night, I didn’t even notice my pills had kicked in until I woke up at my desk, reading your post. So, about 3am?
ME: That explains it.
HIM: Explains what?
ME: About 5am, you started snoring—
HIM: I can’t—
ME: (snores) Open mouth, right over the damned CPAP.
ME: And I was on my other side, clinging to the side of the bed, so I couldn’t move farther away from you. So I reached around (demonstrates) and—smack—“roll over!”
HIM: I don’t—
ME: Then you yelled, “NO!” and went right back to (demonstrates godawful sound of walrus choking on a plague mask)
ME: Which is why, when my alarm finally went off and you mumbled “turn it off!” I thought, “NO!” and left it.
HIM: I didn’t—
ME: Then I got out of the shower and the lights were still off, so I was being all quiet, but you weren’t in bed after all! So I opened the door to yell at you—“Why wouldn’t you turn on the lights?”—but you weren’t at your desk, either?
HIM: Where was I?
ME: (shrugs) Dunno, probably gone taking him to school or something. So I ended up yelling at the empty house for a while.
HIM: I wouldn’t admit that.
ME: Seriously? With all the stupid shit you do?
HIM: Yeah, but I don’t admit it.
* And, by extension, him. Don’t forget, he reads this blog too.
˙ɹǝpɹo ʇɐɥʇ uI ˙ǝW ʇoN ‘ɯᴉH ‘ǝW :NOI┴∩˥OS **