Have you ever read these conversations and wondered which of us is more difficult to live with?
Of course you have.
But I have good news! That burning question has been answered: he is incredibly high-maintenance, while I am surprisingly low-maintenance.*
Remember the thing about my ice cream? It came up again, so if you don’t remember or if you’re not actually reading all of these please go reacquaint yourself with that slice of insanity. I’ll wait.
And here we are. Quick clarification, for legal reasons: reading this sentence, either silently or aloud, constitutes an agreement that you are indeed aware of the aforementioned Ice Cream Thing and will forever more eat it the way I do. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh, but the high-maintenance thing? Yeah, have a look at this:
HIM: (bringing me english muffins) So I don’t know if that’s how you like them.
ME: (looking) It’s fine.
HIM: … The way you say that makes me think it’s not fine, but you’re going to eat it anyway.
ME: It’s fine.
HIM: But it’s not the way you do it.
ME: It’s fine, see? (takes bite, hides sad face)
HIM: I made sure the butter was melted all the way!
ME: (flinches) Yeah… I don’t do that.
ME: I spread the butter—margarine**
ME: And then I put a dob of jam on top. So the butter sort of swirls into it.
HIM: That’s gross.
ME: No, that’s how you get butter actually on it instead of… gone.
HIM: I put it back under the broiler for a few seconds after I spread the butter so it would melt all the way down.
ME: Yeah, you did more work to make it worse.
HIM: And I also like it when my ice cream bowl is chilled!
ME: No! That’s worse, because then I have to put it on your thigh to warm it up!
HIM: You know what happens when I hold ice cream? It melts!
ME: Okay, but that’s because you have bloods!
HIM: Well when you make them for me, I like it when you toast it, then spread the butter, then put it—
ME: Nope. You’re high maintenance.
HIM: And chill my bowl.
ME: This is why I don’t do things for you.
* Please do not look at my makeup desk for confirmation of this.
** It’s not so much a health thing, although… yeah. It’s a flavor thing. I actually really don’t like the taste of real butter. Yes, I’ve heard that Irish butter will change my life forever, and if anyone would care to bring me some I’d be fine with that experiment, but since I can’t seem to get it here we’ll just have to continue making do with the reduced-fat soy spread. Which tastes better to me anyway (more like fake butter, which I’m told tastes “more buttery” so maybe that’s my issue? Whatever. We’re not here to talk about butter. Why’d you even bring it up?)