Offspring is gone. Officially, finally, left me forever gone.
I will not mention where he’s doing his training because he asked me not to… but I’ll tell you it’s been raining nonstop there. (I know because I’ve been obsessing over the weather reports, which are the only part of his life I can see until he’s able to call or write, which won’t be for a while yet.)
I mentioned before that the Army is exceedingly particular about what you’re allowed to send with your recruit, but I still managed to send him off with a little something special… and an extra dose of parental weird to tide him over.
OFFSPRING: Hey, can you make me some fried chicken for the road when I leave?
ME: Sure. You just want a bucket?
ME: No problem.
HIM: He won’t be able to take that on the plane—
OFFSPRING: Why would it last that long?
ME: Why you gotta dis my chicken?
OFFSPRING: Also, could you make Jeffrey something to help fatten him up?*
HIM: Isn’t he going to fat camp this summer?
OFFSPRING: No, that’s Jeff. He’s also in the Future Soldier program, but—
ME: I’m sorry, the what now?
OFFSPRING: (sighs) They call it the Future Soldier program. We’re Future Soldiers, because we’ve signed up but we’re—
ME: (laughing) I’m sorry, I just can’t take that seriously. I mean… come on! (to Husband) Doesn’t that just sound like something Captain America would have fallen for?
HIM: (nodding) Hail Hydra.
HIM: Yeah, in the comics it’s been revealed that Steve Rogers has been a Hydra agent all along.
ME: Which totally makes sense.
HIM: It does.
ME: It actually makes more sense—
HIM: It really does, when you look at it—
ME: I mean, it explains why he’s so “bad” at his “job”
HIM: And why he quits all the time.
ME: And literally throws his shield—
HIM: That’s government property!
ME: Throws it on the ground.
OFFSPRING: He tried to take it with him.
HIM: That’s worse!
ME: Theft of government property, that.
HIM: Stark’s father gave him that shield.
ME: Threw it on the ground.
Haha, you thought you were getting a cute little post about saying goodbye to my son!
You underestimate my ability to make everything about how much I hate that star-spangled douchebag.
* Because I am a softie, I did indeed make something for poor Jeffrey… and the skinny bastard probably gained ten of the happiest pounds ever on that ride because of it. I made him a batch of my infamous Fudgy Thin Mint Brownies (made with real girl scouts!)