Ham and the Loaf


Because this is the internet I know there’s only one thing you want, and I’m going to give it to you.


Family Feud style host shouts, "show me BOOBS!" and points to the board; boobs appear at #1 above The Rock, beer sandwiches, and world peace.



No, you perv.  Also, while we’re on the subject, please stop calling them boobies.


woman wearing bra with no top over says, "they're called tits."


No, what you really want is cat posts!  Trust me, I’ve done the research.


kitten on laptop, pawing at google homepage

Well, I hired a guy.



Plus, Alexander Hamilton is floofy and awesome and his favorite thing is to be held and his favorite friend is everyone (though he makes sure to especially snuggle me, as is his duty) so he’s what I want to talk about today.  Sorry, non-cat-people, you’ll just have to suffer in silence.


First of all, if you don’t follow me on Instagram you missed the big day: Ham’s first walkies in the snow.  Yes, I walk the cat.  As I mentioned before, Ham was in at least one home before ours, and that home returned him after only three months, claiming he “kept getting out.”*  Now, I am a Greyhound Person—we worship at the church of Shut the Fucking Door! and roll our eyes pretty hard at the idea that a cat kept outsmarting this system—so my first thought was that this problem was not really a problem.  Step 1: Shut the fucking door; Step 2: Train the cat to walk on a leash so he knows he can go out sometimes, but only ever when he’s got his harness and leash and a responsible grown-up.


Ham is a big fan of Step 2.



He’s not so keen on Step 1—he’s actually got a thing about doors, in that he wants all of them to be open, always.  Especially the interior doors (he does seem to understand why I keep the Outside locked up, though we sometimes disagree on Visiting Hours) and, as he is a Talkative Cat, this makes for some interesting discussions.



HIM:  (to Ham)  Let’s get you away from the door…
ME:  But doors are his thing!
HIM:  (to Ham)  Doors are not your thing.  (slips out)
ALEXANDER HAMILTON:  (disagrees, loudly)
HIM:  (from other side of the door)  Thumbs up if doors are your thing!


fluffy Alexander Hamilton sits at scratched up front door

ME: That was original.  HAM: Thumbs up if claws are your thing!


Ham is BFF’s with both of our dogs and cuddles and loves on them regularly—our hounds are cat friendly and were excited to meet a cat who was so doglike—but Husband’s stupid cat (whom you’ve met before) is still being super bitchy to him.  I suspect she’s intimidated.


You see, we’re 90% sure my tiny lion is mostly Maine coon (based on size, build, certain features, temperament, and the fact that I had to drag him away from playing in the toilet) while the stupid cat is half Scottish fold, half Basset hound, and—according to Husband—half turtle.  (I suspect she’s a descendent of Jabba the Hutt, but Husband argues that’s just her turtle heritage.)


cat stuck on her back

Judge for yourself


So it’s understandable that a “cat” who is only considered a cat because she can sometimes retract her claws might be jealous of a mighty mini lion who can point to actual feline ancestors.


We keep trying to help, but…



ME:  (petting Ham)  Bring her over.
HIM:  (brings Stupid Cat)  See?  Isn’t Ham nice?  (pets her)
STUPID CAT:  (rolls over onto back for belly rubs)
ALEXANDER HAMILTON:  (is confused by SC)
HIM:  (to SC)  Be normal.  (stops belly rubs)
SC:  (can’t roll off her back)
ME:  That’s not a cat.
HIM:  (laughing)  Oh my god, she really isn’t.
ME:  I’m so sorry, Ham.
A. HAM: (sniffs SC) Mrrt?  (can’t even, leaves)
ME:  Did you see the disgust on his face?
HIM:  Let’s go.  (walks away)
ME:  Yep.  (follows)
ME:  (turns back)  Look at her!
HIM:  I’m pretty sure if we did a DNA test, it would come back “loaf of bread.”


loaves of bread and one loaf-like cat

Couldn’t get a photo of her with a loaf of bread because she got scared.  Of BREAD.








* I’ve had him a while now, and while he’s definitely right there at the door if you don’t say anything, it’s not like he’s bolting out past your ankles while you juggle groceries… I suspect these people had lazy kids who couldn’t remember to close the door and blamed the cat for catting.







16 comments on “Ham and the Loaf

  1. I’m not even a cat person and I love this!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lutheranliar says:

    I want your cats. Both of them. Even the Stupid One who is probably really a Loaf of Bread.

    Liked by 1 person

    • If she doesn’t make friends with Ham soon, I’ll be selling her cheap. Fair warning: she’s afraid of literally everything and gets lost in even the tiniest space. Oh, and if you roll her on her back, she just stays there demanding you bring her slave Leia…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lutheranliar says:

        When we got Wombat, Tuna hated hated hated her. And started Protest Peeing. We sent her to live with my mother. When that didn’t work out (she got mom’s cats to Protest Pee about HER), Tuna got to go live in a nursing home. She loved it; they loved her. Not sure if anybody Protest Peed (adult diapers, you know)

        Liked by 1 person

  3. ellenbest24 says:

    I avoid pics of cats, stories with cats cards mugs and all things cat but this is funny. Happy #SocialSaturday

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ritu says:

    I love this! Definitely a cat person too! Ham and SC are just awesome

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You know what the internet wants.

    My cat likes playing in the toilet too. We solved the problem by ALWAYS having the lid shut when not in use (if you leave it open, the next time you go there will be a small cat toy/piece of leaf in the bowl, water splashed up the bathroom walls and wet pawprints all over the house).

    Liked by 1 person

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