He Kills It

 

You wouldn’t know this, because you don’t live with us, but one of Husband’s favorite things to do with a joke is kill it. 

blood spray spatters on a white background

 

 

I don’t just mean by telling it wrong, or by over-using it (although he does that too) no, I mean that thing where he will say something mildly-to-moderately amusing and—before you have a chance to decide how you’re going to react (smile?  Smirk?  Snort?  Throw him a bone and giggle?) he’ll drag that poor joke out into the street and explain it, smearing its blood and scattering its organs to the four winds. 

 

It’s barbaric.

(Santa Clarita Diet) Joel and Abby are alarmed at the bloody mess in their kitchen

 

It’s criminal.

wild man in mask waves chainsaw, slices into stomach of portly male victim (gory closeup)

 

It’s his favorite part of every joke.

man licks blood off fingers

 

ME:  (reading)  Men complain about women taking selfies, but we’re not the ones naming our kids the exact same fucking names.
HIM:  Yeah, but that’s not taking a selfie, that’s making a selfie.
ME:  (gapes)
HIM:  … He mansplained.
ME:  Oh my God.
HIM:  See, you didn’t quite catch the mansplainy tone when I said it, so I had to explain—
ME:  GET OUT NOW.

 

 

It’s no good telling him not to do it, because he’s convinced that the brutal dismemberment of an innocent joke is hilarious.

 

 

ME:  Did you grab the letter?
HIM:  Yeah.
ME:  Okay, cool.  I just looked where I left it and it wasn’t there, so I spent a few minutes looking for it before I realized my husband might have put it in the car already.  You know, as opposed to underpants gnomes hiding it.
HIM:  Phase one: mail letter…. (long pause)  Phase three, profit!
ME:  (smiles)  Sorry, what was phase two again?
HIM:  (laughing)  Phase three is profit!
ME:  Sorry, still unclear on phase two.
HIM:  (laughs)  I’m doing the underpants gnomes bit from South Park—
ME:  Yes, I know.
HIM:  Because they didn’t have a phase two!
ME:  I know.  And let me say, it only got funnier after you explained it.
HIM:  Right?!?!
ME:  (forms migraine)

 

(Santa Clarita Diet) Joe tells Sheila to "act casual." They are covered in blood while digging a hole in the middle of the desert.

 

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7 comments on “He Kills It

  1. Victor K says:

    That is my absolute least favourite thing when someone tells an only moderately amusing joke. Like, just because I don’t laugh out loud I must not have understood the joke.

    On the other hand, I’m massively guilty of telling jokes that require background context that many around me can’t possibly have and not explaining at all, which is probably just as bad.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ritu says:

    Men…. What are they like!?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I … kind of love doing this.

    Just sometimes though, not all jokes. There’s something about making the situation as bad as possible and seeing the light leave the other person’s eyes. Like picking a scab. Bad, but satisfying.

    Liked by 1 person

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