Quick update on Clara: she’s doing fine.
Look, I’ll even provide proof of life:
Sorry I didn’t have today’s newspaper to prop up with her, but I figured the cash would be enough to help you overlook that detail. We good?
Update on Matt and Sasha:
They’re still fine. Alive and well… or as well as anyone can be under the circumstances. I mean, they moved to Ohio. No offense, Ohio, but… come on. What’s your deal? Nevermind, we don’t have time to get into that now.
Because Husband doesn’t believe I’m keeping them alive.
ME: This is going to work, I can feel it.
HIM: You know, Matt and Sasha weren’t native; they actually move here from Utah.
ME: And the orchid moved here from Turks and Caicos; weren’t you listening to the plant lady?
HIM: … I actually can’t argue with that logic.
ME: This is going to work.
Honest-to-God, I don’t know why anyone doubts me.
Oh, right… because I’m an idiot who writes about her mistakes.
You all know my friend K, right? If you don’t, you’ve learned something today. Do you feel different? Stronger?
They say knowledge is power.
K: You kill every plant you’ve ever touched, except for Clara!
ME: (quick guilty look) I…
AUDREY: (hard stare into my soul)
ME: (small, squeaky voice) Yep. Except for Clara.
AUDREY: Yes. Except for Clara. (full “I know what you did last summer” stare)
K: Exactly! And I don’t know how you haven’t killed her yet!
ME: Oh-kay! Let’s go play some games!
AUDREY: (shark stare)
Protip: if you have a blog about your life, don’t ever let your friends read it. They’ll know things.