Rapture 2018: A Fish Named Doom

 

We’re jumping right in today because there’s not a lot of time left before we die and also because I want you to experience a thing that happened exactly as Husband experienced it.  You know, for a nice change of pace.

Christina Miller (Ellie on Cougar Town) proclaims "Change approved!"

 

 

ME:  Brindle wants a fish named Doom.*
HIM:  What?
ME:  Brindle wants a fish named Doom.
HIM:  …
ME:  …
HIM:  … I’m sorry, I thought you said Brindle wants a fish named Doom.
ME:  Yeah.
HIM:  Why does she want a fish?
ME:  Probably because I didn’t offer her a ferret, to be honest.
HIM:  ???

 

Loony Toons' "That's all Folks!" end screen

 

 

JK, I’m not that mean.  But I am torn: on the one hand, I really want to leave this as a guessing game sort of thing, see what y’all come up with when asked how it is that my greyhound came to request a pet fish—and specifically one named Doom—but on the other hand the world is ending soon and I’ve got a lot of material stored up that you’ll never see and do I really want to waste two whole posts on this joke?

 

I do not.

 

For those who don’t know, the Rapture has been re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-rescheduled for next week.  I was bummed when I first heard that the world would end this month, but then I checked Fox News and was reassured that The End will hold off until after my birthday, so that’s alright then.

 

planet burning; text overlay reads, "THE END"

 

As long as I’m not getting cheated out of presents, you know?

 

Anyway, being a good friend I called Alexis to make sure she was aware of the impending Rapture.  You know, so she could prepare.

 

Alexis hit the google hard, ready to debunk the awesome Rapture news, because she’s a Protestant now and ruining my good time is just one of the perks.**

 

ME:  Yup, April 23rd, it’s Rapture Time.
ALEXIS:  Hang on, I’m reading…
ME:  Don’t know why you bother; you need to be finding everybody’s bike helmets.  In case you’re inside when you get raptured.  Don’t wanna bonk your heads.  (quietly)  If heretics get raptured.
ALEXIS:  Okay, so this is all because the sun, moon, Virgo and Leo are in alignment?
ME:  It’s space star science!  Halleluiah!
ALEXIS:  Right, but the same alignment occurs every year in September, October… and sometimes in December.
ME:  (pouts)  …Right, but now it’s in April.  Goggies, who wants to go outside before the Rapture gets us?
DOGS:  (leap up for outside time, because they know what’s up)
ALEXIS:  Okay, but there’s also supposed to be a new planet.
ME:  (excited)  Like Pluto?
ALEXIS:  No.  (reading)  The mysterious planet X has been debunked by NASA.  Repeatedly debunked by NASA.
ME:  NASA’s not getting raptured. (lets dogs back in)
ALEXIS:  Okay, so this article is hilarious, but it’s trying to make this sound serious and… it’s just… (laughs)
ME:  No rapture?
ALEXIS:  No rapture.
ME:  No doom?
ALEXIS:  No doom.
ME:  But… Doom!
BRINDLE:  (pounces)
ALEXIS:  I know, I’m sorry.
ME:  Brindle wants doom.
BRINDLE:  (pounces)
ALEXIS:  She wants doom, huh?
ME:  She’s ver’ excited about it.  Brindle, you want DOOM?
BRINDLE:  (pounces)
ALEXIS:  (laughs)
ME:  Brindle wanna fish named Doom?
BRINDLE:  (play-bow)
ALEXIS:  Why a fish?
ME:  Ham wants a fish anyway.  Dammit, I don’t have time to set up a tank before the Rapture!
ALEXIS:  But we’re not getting raptured.
ME:  Oh yeah.  Still, it’s kind of a hassle.  Not gonna lie, I’m sort of hoping for the Rapture if it gets me out of fish tank duty.
ALEXIS:  (laughs)

 

 

And that’s why I came at Husband, seemingly out of the blue, with the news that our dog wants a fish named Doom.

 

Husband, by the way, has suggested we just get her a stuffed fish and name it Doom.

 

 

stuffed mounted tigerfish, mouth open, scary teeth

 

Why didn’t I think of that?

 

 

 

 

 

* You’ve met our dogs—if you haven’t, go read about them and look at pictures of them and tell me how much you love them and then go adopt a greyhound because April is Adopt-a-Greyhound Month.

 

** My best friend used to be Catholic, and I’m the sort of Catholic who has an IUD and cusses non-fucking-stop, so you can imagine we have fun with her conversion; I call her a filthy heretic, she calls me a papist, I ask her to explain the doctrinal importance of nailing hate-mail to someone’s front door… it’s exactly the sort of running joke that sounds insane if you’re not in on it.

 

 

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10 comments on “Rapture 2018: A Fish Named Doom

  1. Gale says:

    My husband has said that, if we were to ever get another cat, it would be named Doctor Doom. Gender specificity doesn’t matter.

    He’s not altogether fond of my idea that, should another cat happen to take up residence here, I would call it Scrotum. Again, its name doesn’t much matter on gender.

    I believe he’s planning to set up a cryogenic sustaining kind of feature that will freeze our current cat, Moxie, during times when I am asleep, leading to Moxie having a much lengthened life-span, as well as to our never getting another cat. ‘But “Doctor Doom” is just a title and a surname. It needs a first name,’ I would argue. I think he’s afraid of having to go out at night to find our missing cat and calling, ‘Scrotum?’

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I ADORE greyhounds. I’m torn between adopting a rescue greyhound or a rescue sausage dog as my next pet 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I definitely recommend a greyhound. Daschunds are too fragile for me—they’re prone to back injuries and are clueless about this danger, so you spend your life stopping them from breaking their own spines.

      FWIW, I don’t consider any of my hounds “rescues,” since I didn’t rescue them from anything; if I hadn’t adopted them, they would have found another family and been just fine. If they hadn’t been adopted by anyone (let’s pretend the world went mad and there wasn’t a waiting list for greyhounds in most regions) they’d have been taken in by their breeders, trainers, or in the case of my Big Good Boy, someone at the track would have snagged him. I bought them, but we call it “adoption” because that’s what we call a purchase that comes with an application and a home visit. (/endrant)

      Liked by 1 person

      • Here in Au greyhounds are killed by the thousands every year as a byproduct of the racing industry. The greyhound adoption movement has grown as a reaction to all this needless slaughter. Most rescued greyhounds are indeed that – rescued from a horrible life of being run into the ground in their first 2 years of life and then rescued from an early death. There is a special program to re-train these ex race dogs to become suitable for homes and socialising. Unless a greyhound has a special graduation certificate they must be muzzled in public. This is the case in my state at least. I know a few greyhound owners and I love these dogs. However, I also love sausage dogs and know quite a few of them 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • I know the sport is very different (read: unrecognizable) in Australia. Terrible things happening there—I won’t even repeat, but if anyone’s interested they can google the atrocities. I suggest doing it on an empty stomach. My heart bleeds for what’s gone on down there; up here I’ll shout myself hoarse to defend the racing industry that produces these beautiful dogs but you lot have a whole ‘nother thing going on and I won’t pretend to have an easy solution.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. So the world is safe then?? For now?? How’s Doom?

    Liked by 1 person

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