WTB Panda Wallet

 

Not to get too personal, but my birthday was this month. 

 

Shalita Grant throws up her arms & cheers "Happy Birthday!"

 

Nope, too late, you don’t get credit if you already missed it.  Anyway, my birthday—for once—isn’t the point.  The point is for some reason this year I’ve noticed I’m… how shall I put this… getting older

 

 

(Princess Bride) Vizzini shouts, "Inconceivable!"

 

Shocking, I know, but it’s true.  I keep looking in the mirror and wondering what happened to my 22-year-old skin, for example.  And I’d really like to know who made off with my 19-year-old knees.  But the thing that occurred to me just before I sat down to write to you today is perhaps the most baffling change of all, the one that’s left me puzzling and puzzing ‘til my puzzler’s all sore.

 

Do I… not like shopping anymore?

 

I know some people have always hated shopping, and I invite those people to chill the fuck out and hold their rants against the time-honored traditions of binge-capitalism until the end.  Maybe pretend I’ve stopped enjoying some other thing they do, like… fuck, I don’t know, wearing socks with Birkenstocks or complaining about seasonally-themed beverages.  Because I used to love shopping, and having the excuse of “I need a new Thing” was exciting because it meant I could spend weeks checking every known shop and all online options for the most perfect Thing.  Now? 

 

  • If they don’t sell it on Amazon I seriously reevaluate the degree of my need.
  • If it must be purchased locally, I check for delivery options anyway, to avoid going out.
  • If I must go out, I plan what other things I will need from that shop so as to make only one trip.
  • I try to send Husband anyway, even resorting to sending him with empty packaging or pictures of the Thing.

 

Am I turning into a hermit

 

Nope.  K texted asking for an impromptu Starbucks date and I was out the door in 15 minutes flat—I went out without makeup on my face, I was that excited to be around people. 

 

So what’s the deal?

 

Sorry, that was a serious question, not the setup for a joke.  I honestly don’t have an answer.  What I do have are three wallets.  Four, if you count my old one.  Because that’s who I’m turning into: a person who, when she needs a new wallet, searches Amazon instead of shopping the real world for something exactly like her old wallet because I hate change.  And that is what makes the whole “I don’t like shopping anymore?” issue all the more distressing to me: I dislike change above all things,* so getting a whole new Me—one I didn’t even order—is unacceptable.

 

Thoughts?  Theories?  Anyone been through this?  Because I’m thinking it had better clear up before the gifting season starts.  Or maybe that’s part of the problem; maybe with all the upheavals so far this year I ran out of Christmas cheer way early, and the stores are depressingly non-peppermint scented.

 

woman raises hand, confused expression, says, "wait, what was that?"

“Hold up—can we go back to that last thing?”

 

HOLY SHIT, YOU’RE STILL THINKING ABOUT THE FUCKING WALLETS?  Fine, it’s simple: I went online to find one exactly like my old one but of course there was no such thing because I got it a decade ago from a friend and it was a promotional gift from her jewelry company.  There are no more.  I asked.  In the absence of an ideal replacement I ordered three different ones: one that looked very similar to my old one, one that was nothing like it at all but had fucking spikes on it and everyone agreed might as well have been made for me but I hated it because it had a zipper and I like flat wallets, and one that was the same style as my old one but had a weird design on it.  The plan was to get all three and return the two I hated most, because I’ve turned into that asshole. 

 

Then I hated all three of them but I was done with shopping, so I stuck with the spiked one.  Because the other two felt gross and plastic-y and the one that I thought would be most like my old one turned out to be a cheap Chinese knockoff. 

 

 

ME:  It says USA but you can get cheap Chinese crap anywhere.
HIM:  Yeah…
ME:  (sniffs wallet)  It even smells Chinese.
HIM:  (double-take)  Is that racist?
ME:  (glares)
HIM:  (laughs)  It sounded racist!  “It smells Chinese.”
ME:  The plastic. It smells toxic; it’s that cheap crap you get off—
HIM:  Oh, toxic.  Okay.  That’s fine.
ME:  (shakes head)
HIM:  (laughing)  “Smells Chinese.”
ME:  YOU KNEW WHAT I MEANT!
HIM:  (laughing)  Clearly I didn’t!

 

 

 

So now I’ve got a wallet everyone else thinks is soooo cool and I hate it with a fiery passion but I can’t find anything better because there’s nobody selling wallets in my driveway. 

 

Tim Curry sits in a car saying, "This makes me want to weep and then die."

 

Nevermind, even that’s too far.  I’m doomed.

 

 

 

 

 

* Except pandas.  Pandas can choke on their fucking bamboo.  Don’t ever get me started on pandas.

 

 

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33 comments on “WTB Panda Wallet

  1. Jeffy says:

    I’m sorry, I have to get you started on Pandas. I mean, I am indifferent to Pandas (goofy. Not at all Bear like, pitifully ill equipped for living in the wild) but with such a statement of hate, one must know where it comes from…indulge us?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Short version: because they are unfit for survival and do nothing to serve the world around them but we’re artificially keeping the species afloat “because they’re kyooooooot!

      Fun fact: pandas are not herbivores. They have the teeth and digestive tract of a carnivore and their ancestors ate MEAT. But somewhere along the way, pandas lost the ability to appreciate the flavors of the flesh and started eating bamboo, possibly the least efficient choice of food sources available. No other species can boast success on a single food source, but we spend millions keeping those fat fucks in their reeds of choice.

      Also: Pandas are literally too dumb to fuck. They are basically incapable of breeding on their own, either in captivity or in the wild, which is why we keep taking them in and giving them viagra and roofies and artificially inseminating them. But then they’re shit parents so we raise the babies. All of this is done at (I’m sure you can imagine) tremendous cost to the zoos, who are already paying exorbitent fees to China because…

      Fact: the Chinese government owns all the pandas in the world by default (find a panda in your back yard? China owns that shit) and makes zoos pay through the nose for their monocrhomatic non-bear rental—even the ones they manage to breed themselves. And not every zoo can even get a panda, because we’ve so lost the plot over these “adorable” wanks that nobody’s said anything to China about not using them to pad free-trade deals.

      Pandas, if someone is reading this to you and the words are somehow making their way past the fluff that serves as your brains: your time has come and gone. Please, give up the ghost and go gracefully into extinction. We’ll get by just fine on badass polar plushes (talk about a species that deserves saving) or maybe people will learn to give a shit about bees. But you’ve become a drain on us all, and I’m sure your ancestors never wanted that. They’re still pissed at you for going vegan.

      Liked by 1 person

      • What a treat! A post within a post! Funny. Though I do feel kind of sorry for Pandas. They aren’t feeling sorry for themselves of course, they’re happy eating their inefficient bamboo and not breeding or doing anything useful. But, maybe they’re sad that they’ve outrun their usefulness? Maybe that’s why people hate the idea of nursing homes? Anyways–you’re funny. I feel bad for Pandas that is all.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Apologies to everyone who could have gone their whole lives without that rant. Jeffy started it.

      Like

  2. Jen says:

    Happy Belated Birthday!
    Getting older sucks. It’s a slow change, but a change that is evil and horrible. Why can’t we all look 25 until we drop dead of old age?

    I *gasp* don’t like going out shopping either. I used to go out to the stores and wander a lot. I was always at the Mall. Now I shop online exclusively. I found out that most stores have better stock online and carry better deals online too.

    I had the same issue with the wallet a couple years ago. I had a very expensive leather wallet that I loved and after 10 years it looked like death. The very expensive leather store I bought it from does not make the wallet anymore and there are only 1 or 2 places that sell wallets around here. So I ended up with a Wonder Woman zipper wallet. lol. Thought I would hate it, but I’ve learned to love it. I hate change, but maybe we have to accept a little bit of it. Apparently it’s healthy… blah… and maybe you will come across that perfect wallet in the future.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. You get me. Why am I so bothered by a wallet when I clearly go to great lengths to avoid ever needing to pull it out? Because I just am.

      And you’re right about the online stock—I get that stores can’t have everything all the time, but I just had a disappointing Sephora trip that proves they’re not even trying.

      Like

  3. KathyG says:

    It may just be a life-stage thing. I too used to be a recreational shopper; now when I see something appealing my first thought is “where would I _PUT_ that?” My house has way more than enough stuff. Plus, malls all seem to have pretty much all the same stores, all carrying the same stuff.

    However, put me in a good thrift store and I can spend hours there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m hot and cold on thrift and antique stores. Sometimes I get all excited and find all the things but just as often I’m wandering around thinking, “I could have found this on Craigslist for next to nothing,” (antique stores) or “meh… I could maybe make that into something” (thrift stores).

      Like

  4. Ritu says:

    Happy (belated?) Birthday!
    I totally get you… and I go one step further. If I find something I like, I go and order a couple extra for back up… so that eliminates future shopping needs!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I do not like shopping. But you remind me that maybe in a land far far away and decades ago I maybe did. I think I liked it because it was a little like trying on a new personality. Or maybe it was a substitute for being original, by wearing or owning something original. As I get older and more comfortable in my own skin, the idea of actually leaving the house to buy things makes me cringe. There are some circumstances when it’s fun. Like I just bought new hiking boots and had to walk all over the store and jump on stuff to make sure they were comfy. They represented a new adventure and that made me happy. But if I have to clothe myself I just try and grab anything on a clearance rack in my size that isn’t awful, and assume I can pull it off at my advanced age.
    I have done the Stitch Fix thing where they send me clothes and accessories and I don’t have to think about it. I liked it, except I feel like they held me hostage with their business model… so, it’s tricky.

    Liked by 1 person

    • This. You’ve hit on what it is I miss about my love of shopping: the chance to play the grown-up version of dress-up/pretend, trying on new personas and pretending, for a few minutes or hours, to be a different sort of person with a different sort of life. Someone who makes crepes and stovetop espresso and can wear white linen trousers while doing those things—I can’t <be her, her life is alien to me, but I can hold her possessions for a while! Someone who hikes every weekend and collects wooden figurines she can actually display without worrying a foster dog will mistake them for chew toys—in a shop, I can be her for hours.

      I’ve considered those online shopper things—Buzzfeed keeps trying to convince me they’re economical and brilliant and everyone is doing it—but I guess I’m not that far gone; my control issues won’t allow for someone else picking out my clothes. (I’d probably be their worst customer ever and just hate everything on principle.)

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ha! I had a weird reaction. Like I thought the “stylists” were clearly trying so hard and so excited about their job and the work they’d done to pull my “outfits” together it was hard to be like–“But, this is AWFUL and I wouldn’t wear that thing if I had a bag on my head so no one could identify me.” They do a good job of incorporating feedback. But a few odd things happened, like wacky schedules and ripped clothes. And the fact that if I don’t buy all 5 items it actually costs MORE than if I sent the awful one back, turned me off. But, I’d probably try something like it again–just not one that made me feel like a hostage to buying everything they sent me.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. susielindau says:

    My birthday was on the 11th! Happy Birthday to you!

    I’m a confessed extroverted hermit, (moniker stolen from Cheryl Strayed.) I write all day long and seldom see the sun. I did play my favorite sport last night, tennis, and my body is still in shock from all the sprinting. Shopping??? Ha! I only go when the cupboards are bare and then I stock up like the apocalypse is tomorrow.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Happy Birthday, fellow April baby!

      I’m gonna steal that extroverted hermit thing too… I want to people (except the ones who suck, which is most of them… it’s complicated) but somehow I’ve ended up the one locked away from the world all the time. Husband, the socially anxious introvert, got the career that’s all about meetings with other humans. Life is all about challenges, no?

      Like

  7. First, Happy Birthday! Second, I know exactly how you feel. I laughed at your reasons for why you think you don’t like shopping anymore. That is me too! If I can’t get it on Amazon I lose interest. If I do have to go the store, I build a list of every possible thing I need so it’s “worth it.” My least favorite of all is grocery shopping.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Can’t be arsed shopping anymore but I’m pissed off wearing the same bloody clothes . Online shopping is useless as I always end up sending shit back. Don’t even start me on grocery shopping 😩😩😩😩

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Btw… did you know it’s bad luck to buy your own purse? ( we call wallets purses in Ireland… wallets are for men, purses are handbags…Jesus!!) buying your own purse means you’ll always be broke. Someone must buy it for you and hansel it to ensure your purse is never empty 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • This explains so much… but wait—the last one was a gift from a friend! Ooh, but she got it for free… does that undo something?

      Like

      • No once you didn’t buy it yourself. Did she hansel it before she gave it to you?

        Liked by 1 person

        • Okay, I had to google this because originally I thought you’d had a typo and meant she should handle the purse before gifting it. Which… I mean, yeah? Of course she did? But then I googled, and found that there’s this thing where you’re meant to put something in the wallet so it’s not empty when you gift it—sort of seeding it with the idea that it’s not supposed to be empty, ever. And that’s fucking brilliant and now I’m kind of mad at her for not thinking of that even though she had no way of knowing that was a thing. Sierra, you failed me. And now my new wallet/purse is tainted as well. Good thing I’m already on the lookout for a replacement! (I’ll have Husband buy me that one… does it count if it’s shared money that buys it? I’m learning so many things today!)

          Liked by 1 person

          • No, I’ve been known to choose a purse then hand it to Jimmy and say…go pay for that please and hansel it before you give it to me… it’s an excellent way of getting more money from him. ” coins or notes”? Says he”better do both, just to be on the safe side” says I . If you’ve been broke since your friend gifted you the purse, I’m sorry but it’s her fault… she owes you, big time !! 😝

            Liked by 1 person

  10. WALLETS.

    I feel you. I’m currently using a card wallet as an actual wallet. It’s ridiculously inappropriate, but I love the colours (it’s multicoloured, but in a de-saturated cool-colour way, which is exactly my jam). It has no place for coins and vomits up any coins I slip into one of the card slots, and I end up with a sea of coins in the bottom of my handbag (which I always have to use to catch the coins).

    You know what might fix this situation? Shopping. You know what I’m not going to do? Shopping.

    I’ve just accepted that I’m stuck with a jingling handbag for life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lucy gets me, you guys.

      I’ll go you one better: I’m actually hanging on to my old wallet (the one that’s literally falling apart) in case someday there’s a magical dude who fixes shit like that. It’s not leather, so I know that won’t really be a thing, but I’m pathetic enough to hope.

      Liked by 1 person

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