I am aware that some of you haven’t seen Avengers: Infinity War yet, and I’m sorry for you. Because it’s amazing and hilarious and totally worth the price of admission* and, frankly, you’re running out of time to avoid spoilers from even decent people.
Right about now you’re wondering: am I a decent person? About me, I mean. You might be wondering it about you, but… look, I don’t have time to sort out your shit right now because I’m trying to tell people all about my favorite parts of Infinity War without spoiling it entirely, okay?
So here they are, my favorite scenes from the movie, in no particular order.
Oh, and if you’ve already seen the movie don’t worry—I’ve included a few of my favorite deleted scenes just to keep it fresh.
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: (stands there awkwardly)
BLACK PANTHER: And someone get this man a shield!
ENTIRE NATION OF WAKANDA: HE DOESN’T DESERVE THAT SHIELD!
SHERLOCK THE MAGNIFICENT: If Thanos gets his hands on all six stones, he’ll be able to cause death and destruction on a scale hitherto unheard of.
IRON MAN: Did you seriously just say hitherto?
SHERLOCK THE MAGNIFICENT: Are you seriously leaning on my Cauldron of Destiny?
MAGIC CARPET: (smacks Iron Man)
IRON MAN: And what’s with the sassy accessories?
SHERLOCK THE MAGNIFICENT: If I don’t wear a magic carpet, how will anyone know I’m a powerful magician?
MAGIC CARPET: (nods)
THANOS: I’m here about an infinity stone… you might have kept it in a Tesseract?
THOR: Ooh, we’re fresh out of those, sorry.
LOKI: I’ve got one!
THOR: You are the worst brother.
THANOS: Seriously dude.
MAGIC TALLEST: Oh great Thanos, no one has ever been so clever as to think of using infinity stones and I’m just super grateful to work for you rather than one of these losers.
LOKI: Hey, we got off on the wrong foot. I’m Loki, the trickster god!
THANOS: Are you sure you want to introduce yourself like that?
LOKI: Well… I mean, that’s my name.
THANOS: It’s just that, now I know to check behind your back. And I can totally see that knife you’re hiding.
THOR: You really are the worst, brother.
SHERLOCK THE MAGNIFICENT: Tony Stark, you are being irresponsible and you haven’t shown proper respect for my cape!
SPIDERBRAT: Hi, I’m Peter Parker!
SHERLOCK THE MAGNIFICENT: I’m Doctor Strange.
SPIDERBRAT: Oh, we’re using our fake names? I forgot that’s a thing. That doesn’t bode well for my girlfriend or my family, does it? Um… (looks down at costume) I’m Spiderman!
SHERLOCK THE MAGNIFICENT: (is totally fucking confused)
IRON MAN: Shush, you. I haven’t made you an Avenger yet, remember?
THANOS: Were here for the Infinity stone
RED VOLDEMORT: (is ruddy mysterious)
THANOS: Did… did you hear me? About the stone?
RED VOLDEMORT: It exacts… a terrible price.
THANOS: I’ve killed like, a billion people already just to get a couple of rocks. I basically only pay terrible prices.
RED VOLDEMORT: Good point. Follow me.
EVERYONE: (walks for goddamned ever up a pointless mountain)
RED VOLDEMORT: So… about that price. You must… sacrifice the one thing you love most.
GAMORA: Like the Dark Curse.
RED VOLDEMORT: What?
GAMORA: In Once Upon a Time. Come on, I can’t be the only one here who saw that show—you’re Disney characters now!
THANOS: I never should have let you watch so much television.
GAMORA: YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!
THOR: Who the hell are you guys?
GROOT, SON OF GROOT: I am Groot.
PETER QUILL: And I’m Star Lord.
THOR: Really? You look kind of like Andy Dwyer…
ROCKET: He totally does!
PETER QUILL: I do not! Andy Dwyer is fat—I’m super ripped!
GAMORA: (drooling over Thor) No, he’s ripped.
PETER QUILL: I’m… I look just as good as he does. Better, even, because I have both my eyes!
EVERYONE ELSE: Ehhh…
PETER QUILL: Shut up you guys! You know they made Star Lord Doritos? How hard would your abs be if they made a delicious cheesy snack chip with your face on it?
MAGIC TALLEST: Greetings, Earth humans! I am an alien, here to steal a necklace from a wizard, and—
IRON MAN: Yeah, sorry but Earth is closed today. In the future you might consider calling ahead for an appointment.
MAGIC TALLEST: I already tried that, but nobody ever answers your galactic contact line! Truly, your infrastructure is shit.
SPIDERBRAT: Tell me about it. Why do you think I swing around town from my splooge bracelets instead of taking the bus?
MAGIC TALLEST: …
IRON MAN: …
MAGIC TALLEST: Who the fuck is this kid?
IRON MAN: I don’t even know how to begin answering that question.
THOR: Truly, the loss of my eye will be a liability in the upcoming fight.
ROCKET: Hey, if it bothers you that much… (produces spare eyeball from pocket)
THOR: Why do you have this?
ROCKET: Took it off some guy in a poker game.
THOR: And you’re just giving it to me?
ROCKET: Yeah, why not. (glances over at Bucky) I’m really more into arms these days anyway.
BUCKY: (sidles away)
THOR: (does something suicidally stupid)
SURPRISE PETER DINKLAGE: Dammit, I told you that would kill you!
THOR: Only… if… I die…
SURPRISE PETER DINKLAGE: Oh, shut up.
ROCKET: Why aren’t we saving him?
SURPRISE PETER DINKLAGE: Because I’ve misplaced the bit of wood I need to complete this spell! I thought I had it just here…
GROOT, SON OF GROOT: …
SURPRISE PETER DINKLAGE: Damn, where’d I put that wood?! Everyone look around for a longish bit of wood that—
GROOT, SON OF GROOT: Oh, for fuck’s sake! CAN WE PLEASE GET THROUGH JUST ONE GODDAMNED FILM WHERE I’M NOT REQUIRED TO LOP OFF BITS OF MYSELF IN ORDER TO SAVE YOU ASSHOLES?!?!
SURPRISE PETER DINKLAGE: …
GROOT, SON OF GROOT: … I am Groot?
* Unless you see it in 3D. Sorry, but converted 3D is still shit and not worth the extra couple of bucks. To my mind there is no reason not to film a movie in 3D if you’re planning to cash in on the 3D market.**
** Real 3D, since you asked, is worth every penny.