Everyday Motherhood


If you’re in the US, Sunday was Mother’s Day.


If you’re elsewhere in the world, Mother’s Day was probably on a whole ‘nother day months ago.  Wikipedia informs me there are like a billion Mother’s Days and basically this is one of the few times I’m glad to have the shit mother I was born with because my brain ferrets went nuts when they saw that list and started insisting that we should celebrate all the dates.  With themesAND COSTUMES


clipart of costumed multicultural children from Disney's Small World ride


My brain ferrets are not culturally sensitive.   



So happy belated-or-early One Day of Appreciation to all women who have birthed or raised a human, because speaking as someone who has done both it’s a hard fucking job and I’m pretty sure I’m still not done. 


In fact, I know I’m not done.  Because I just lied to my kid in order to preserve his sense that the world was basically a safe place.


Ooh, Offspring update: he’s in AIT now, so he’s allowed to have his cell phone and we text most days and call once or twice a week so it’s all good.  We’re forging this new adult-ish relationship that’s weird and awesome all at the same time and I’m loving it—parents of adult children, back me up on this being the actual best part!  Everyone’s always on about the little years being so great but his shoes kept coming untied and his legs were too short to keep up and everyone had to watch their language—this is way better.


But then…


ME:  (via text)  High on my success with Clara, I bought another plant!  Purple calla lilies.
HIM:  Is Clara back in shape then?
ME:  (sends pic of thriving Clara)
HIM:  Nice!
ME:  The new plant is named Beau.  Unfortunately, it turns out Beau is toxic to cats and dogs.  So he has to go outside.  Poor Beau.



And that should have been the end of it, right? 

(Parks and Rec) April Ludgate does Unimpressed Stare like nobody else can.


Don’t judge—every parent lies to their kids.  We do it for their own good and for our amusement.  Hell, he might still believe guacamole is the chief export of the tiny island nation of Guacland, famous for their giant birds (Takis, prized for their delicious toes*) and for the fact that they don’t actually grow avocados.  Because the soil is too rocky.  They have to import all the avocados they use, but that’s fine because the avocados ripen during shipment—everyone knows avocados won’t ever ripen on the tree, and this is why it’s to our benefit that Guacland is willing to take in such a tricky crop and make delicious guacamole out of it.** 


Sesame Street's Big Bird, in the woods

Shown: The rare and majestic taki.


Sadly, Offspring is adulting like woah and I’m not in charge of his internet access anymore.  So along with some really beautiful tulips (which I forgot to photograph for you—I’ll try to get those up on instagram now that they’re open and doing fun tulip-y things) my Mother’s Day gift was this text exchange:


HIM:   I thought you revived Clara?!
ME:  ?
HIM:  I glanced through ACWMH.
ME:  Oh.
ME:  Oops.
HIM:  To see what fun stuff you’ve been hiding.
ME:  Shhh… It’s a SECRET!


Sweeney Todd, spattered in blood, accuses, "You lied to me."

I’m sure this won’t have any future repercussions at all.





* Get it?  Taki toes?  Taquitos?   I’m hilarious.

**  We also taught him that his belly button was a leg release button, and that if he ever let anyone else press it his legs would fall off.  Hilarity ensued. 




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