I’m here today to illustrate for you the difference between us and so-called “normal” couples.
You’re all familiar with The List (if not: in brief, it’s a running list of things we’ve argued about at such volume and with such tenacity that it bears both mention and repetition; these are the arguments that stand the test of time—though they may grow, devolve, and distill this is merely the patina of a well-loved argument and any connoisseur will tell you it adds value) and have probably looked it over more than once, clicking the links and sighing your particular deep sigh of longing, biting your lip and sparing your significant other the briefest of glances as visions of what might be flitter about your mental landscape. Today I reveal to you the secret of being such a couple, to possessing such a lavish collection of arguments; implement my strategy and you too will be the envy of your friends.
This is the secret: ordinary couples—we won’t name names—wait for arguments to come to them. Thus it transpires that little moments, like the one I’m about to show you, often pass by and the amateur is unaware that anything remarkable happened (because it didn’t) or could have happened (which it might have) and this is the great tragedy of their marriage.
HIM: Oh. I need to bring up my laundry.
ME: (looks around at piles of laundry waiting to be put away) Clearly we have plenty.
HIM: Okay, but my clean clothes aren’t up here. I can’t wear your dirty clothes.
ME: These are clean.
HIM: Well I can’t wear your clean clothes either. (leaves)
ME: (calling after him) You haven’t even tried!
HIM: (shouting back) You don’t know my life!
ME: (putting shirt on hanger) IS THAT WHY THIS ONE IS ALL STRETCHED OUT?!?
HIM: NO COMMENT!
Now you’re thinking of how many times you’ve let a simple mention of laundry pass without making even the slightest effort at accusing your spouse of wastefulness, clothing theft, and pants snubbing.
This is why you miss out on the exceptional arguments. Shameful, isn’t it?