Apologies if you’re not a Marvel fan, or a Deadpool fan.*
In all seriousness, I did consider not doing another one of these—the response to my Infinity War post was pretty lackluster and that film was an easier target. But then I assessed the facts:
- This is my blog.
- I really enjoyed writing those “scenes.”
- I really really wish y’all had liked them as much as I did. Because I thought that shit was funny.
- There’s a nonzero chance the post was fine and I just marketed it wrong, putting the word “spoiler” in the title like a dumbass.
So I’m trying again, even though Deadpool 2 was conspicuously light on deleted scenes—Wade has no problem mocking himself or his source material, which leaves little on the cutting room floor.
nb: THERE ARE NO SPOILERS AHEAD. ZERO. You can absolutely read this post and then go see the movie without fear that I’ve ruined anything. None of these scenes appear in the movie that is currently in theaters. It’s possible some of them will be released on the DVD, but that’s bonus material and nobody told me not to spoil that shit.
DEADPOOL: Thanks for showing up again buddy.
RACIAL STEREOTYPE: No problem, Mister Pool!
DEADPOOL: And for working for scale.
RACIAL STEREOTYPE: Yeah, I really didn’t read my contract. That guy who has like, no lines is credited above me!
DEADPOOL: Don’t worry about it—I don’t think he’s gonna work out. But you, you’re always here for me, thinking about me—
RACIAL STEREOTYPE: Actually, I’ve been thinking about Tom Cruise movies lately.
DEADPOOL: Yeah, sorry about that; I don’t control which previews they show before my thing. And nobody can stop him from making this shit—we’ve all tried.
RACIAL STEREOTYPE: But it got me thinking about how I want to take a more active role.
DEADPOOL: We’ve been over this: if we pay you more then we definitely can’t afford X-Men, and I’m still hoping some of them will cave.
(a random X-Man wanders briefly into the scene, sees Deadpool, flees)
RACIAL STEREOTYPE: I just think I could be your sidekick. Like Tom Cruise in that movie!
DEADPOOL: Top Gun?
RACIAL STEREOTYPE: Twilight!
DEADPOOL: Stop talking.
DEADPOOL: (murders hundreds to upbeat Dolly Parton tune)
DEADPOOL: (gushes) I love her, my metal comrade. (doing Frank Underwood impression) I love her more than sharks love blood.
SHINY DRAX: (winces) Probably shouldn’t quote him anymore.
DEADPOOL: Really? Damn, how long was that montage?
SHINY DRAX: It’s been a while.
RANDOM X-MAN: (from off-screen) We had to forward your mail.
DEADPOOL: Who was that?
SHINY DRAX: Don’t worry about it.
GRUMPY WINTER SOLDIER: (busts through wall)
DEADPOOL: Oh, we can’t afford X-Men but we can afford this asshole?
GRUMPY WINTER SOLDIER: I was requested by fans!
DEADPOOL: Whatever you gotta tell yourself, Thanos
GRUMPY WINTER SOLDIER: That’s… How did you recognize me?
DEADPOOL: Wear a mask next time!
GRUMPY WINTER SOLDIER: Shut up, I’m from the future in this movie!
DEADPOOL: You’re from the future? Holy shit, which Sharknado are we on?
GRUMPY WINTER SOLDIER: They just opened their lunar park.
GRUMPY WINTER SOLDIER: Oh, you mean the TV series. That ended after like 23 seasons.
DEADPOOL: Holy shitballs, kill me now.
GRUMPY WINTER SOLDIER: I WAS TRYING!
DEADPOOL: (is all fucked up)
RANDOM X-MAN: That’s disturbing. I did not need to see that.
DEADPOOL: Who said that?
RANDOM X-MAN: (hides) Nobody.
BLIND LADY: I can’t see. What’s happening?
HUMOROUS SIDEKICK: It looks like—
EVERYONE: Oh god…
BLIND LADY: Please don’t.
HUMOROUS SIDEKICK: What?
BLIND LADY: Please stop describing things. If I’d known I was going to have to listen to you describe shit, I’d have asked to be deaf instead of blind.
DEADPOOL: You got to choose?
BLIND LADY: Duh, when they showed me the script. I picked blind because, you know… your face.
BLIND LADY: But then there’s him…
HUMOROUS SIDEKICK: I’m funny! This is my thing!
BLIND LADY: Okay, but just… don’t.
HUMOROUS SIDEKICK: It’s like Winnie the Pooh—
DEADPOOL: Hey there Big Guy; sun’s getting pretty low in the sk—
DISCOUNT HULK: Do you think I’m the Hulk?
DEADPOOL: Well… I mean…
DISCOUNT HULK: Hang on. Even if you think I’m the Hulk, you’re no Black Widow.
DEADPOOL: Well, I mean obviously. We can’t even afford real X-Men—
SHINY DRAX: Hey!
DEADPOOL: —so Scarlett Johansson’s waaaay out of our budget. But we did that scene with me in the stripper heels and my ass was lookin’ great.
DISCOUNT HULK: …
SHINY DRAX: …
DEADPOOL: So… are you gonna go to sleep now or…?
DISCOUNT HULK: No. Dumbass. That’s what the helmet’s for.
SHINY DRAX: Did you even read the comics?
DEADPOOL: I skimmed!
DEADPOOL: We’re gonna need more than just me. And I seriously can’t find any goddamned X-Men anywhere—
HERD OF X-MEN: (duck behind couch)
DEADPOOL: You know what we need? We need to put together our own team!
HUMOROUS SIDEKICK: Recruiting drive?
RACIAL STEREOTYPE: (looks hopeful)
DEADPOOL: I guess… maybe try LinkedIn?
HUMOROUS SIDEKICK: I’ve heard good things about ZipRecruiter
DEADPOOL: Do people still use Craigslist?
HUMOROUS SIDEKICK: This isn’t gonna be easy.
RACIAL STEREOTYPE: I AM LITERALLY RIGHT FUCKING HERE, YOU ASSHOLES!
DEADPOOL: We’re going to call our team: X-Force.
LADY LUCK: Isn’t that a little derivative?
DEADPOOL: I didn’t ask you, Racial Stereotype.
LADY LUCK: (looks around) He’s not even here.
NEW HIRE: You didn’t hire him, remember?
DEADPOOL: I didn’t hire the fucking X-Men either, but I’ll sure as shit blame them for anything that goes wrong today.
RANDOM X-MAN: (wanders over from craft service table) That seems unreasonable.
DEADPOOL: (smacks food out of mutant hand) …AND STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY CHIMICHANGAS, YOU LAZY ASSHOLES!
* I’m sorry you’re unable to appreciate the awesomeness of Mr. Pool.