I Would Never

 

I have been accused—not by anyone we’d take seriously, of course, but the accusation has been made publicly, on the almighty Internet and thus I must address it—of laying traps for my husband. 

 

Lorelai Gilmore rolls her eyes in a "not this again" reaction

 

 

As if he doesn’t get himself into plenty of trouble all on his own?

 

 

Chandler from Friends: "I say more dumb things before 9am than most people say all day."

 

Also, even if I did lay traps, I wouldn’t have to hide them.

 

ME:  I take it you’re not coming with me?
HIM:  I am not.
ME:  Because you don’t love me.  (starts undressing)
HIM:  I do like you!
ME:  (givesyou’ve fucked up’ eyebrow)
HIM:  What?
ME:  (reaches for phone)
HIM:  What did I say?
ME:  It’s fine.
HIM:  (huffs)  I have to read about it online now?
ME:  Yuuuuup.

 

 

Plus, there are plenty of things I don’t tell you about.  Like why we had to replace all our silicone spatulas.

 

 

ME:  (hears cacophony of grinding and foul language from kitchen)  (sighs, wanders into kitchen)
HIM:  (looks up sheepishly)  I was trying to get the fruit down (gestures at blender) and I put the lid back on and—
ME:  You put the lid back on with the spatula still in there?
HIM:  … Yeah.
ME:  You had to leave the middle bit out to do that.
HIM:  Yeah, I took it off.
ME:  Instead of taking the spatula out?
HIM:  I WASN’T THINKING!
ME:  (sighs)  You know the worst part?  I can’t even tell anyone.  Because nobody would ever believe me.
HIM:  We’ll have to tell them you did it.
ME:  You’re the one who left the big one in the garbage disposal!  That was our last one.
HIM:  (shrugs)  We’ll buy more.

gif of pouring blueberries, kiwi, rasberries, assorted seeds, yogurt and almond milk into a blender to make a smoothie

Not shown: optional silicone bits and metal shavings.

 

See?  If anything I’m over here keeping his shameful secrets. 

 

Making him look good.

 

I’m a fuckin’ Stepford wife. 

Stepford Wives: post-transformation Nicole Kidman happily strolls down a grocery aisle without mussing hair, makeup, or dress

 

 

 

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5 comments on “I Would Never

  1. Ha! We could write reams about these men and what they get up to. Why lay traps for mice who hand themselves in?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Terri says:

    I love reading your posts… They so remind me of many conversations with my hubby! Makes me laugh, sigh, relate, think WTF and UGH and yep, true stuff! Thanks for sharing!!

    Liked by 1 person

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