I Have So Many Questions

 

Until now this blog has been—whatever he might say—about him and the ridiculous things he says, does, thinks, or laughs at. 

 

I think it’s time to branch out.  Because I… I heard something.

 

Something that changed me.

 

 

Let me back up. 

 

Have you ever met someone who changed your life in a moment, probably without even realizing they did it?  Someone who has lived such a fundamentally different life from your own experiences that it makes you question everything (Do I really like corn flakes?  Puppies?  Sleep?  Do I really hate spiders?*) you thought you knew? 

 

I have, but this is not that story. 

 

Woman in beanie has confused "wut?" reaction

 

Yeah, I didn’t even get to meet her!  Sorry.  While I’m disappointing you, I might as well point out: this isn’t the story of the thing I heard, from the person I didn’t meet** because that’s not the standard format you’re used to and I didn’t want to completely short out your brains; as is our tradition, I am sharing the conversation that ensued when I told Husband the story of hearing The Thing.***

 

 

ME:  I need to tell you about something that happened while I was getting my nails done, and I need you to be paying attention.
HIM:  (turns, wide-eyed)  Okay.
ME:  I heard the stupidest thing—
HIM:  But I didn’t go with you to the nail salon!
ME:  … Dumber than anything you’ve ever said.
HIM:  (genuinely attentive)
ME:  So I was at the salon and you know they always have HGTV on the screens there, right?
HIM:  (nods)
ME:  They were showing… oh, what’s that one… with the design architect who tries to make your weird-ass house work on a shoestring budget and the realtor who shows you way better houses—Love It or List It!
HIM:  Yep.
ME:  I kept thinking Fix It or Flip It, but that’s—
HIM:  That’s another one, I think.
ME:  Anyway, the realtor was showing the couple this amazing place, a fuckin’ mansion—and by the way, where the hell are they filming this show that they can find these fuckin’ mansions for like 400 thousand?  Where?  I mean, wh—
HIM:  My favorite part is when they introduce themselves.
ME:  ?
HIM:  And they’re like, “I make artisanal straws and she sells seashells by the seashore; our budget is one million dollars.”
ME:  WHERE?!?!
HIM:  (nods)
ME:  (deep breath)  Anyway, he was showing this house and K and I were sitting at our table looking at colors and these two girls were in the pedicure chairs (gestures) to my left.  And one of them says, “See, I love those floor-to-ceiling walls!”
HIM:  (dies laughing)
ME:  …
HIM:  (is reincarnated, still laughing)
ME:  …
HIM:  (grows old in new form, laughing)
ME:  But here’s the thing: she was being totally, genuinely, 100% serious.
HIM:  (laughs all over again)
ME:  (a little louder over the laughter)  Because if I had said that shit, you’d have reacted exactly like that—
HIM:  (nods, wipes away tears, still laughing)
ME:  —But her friend?  Just fucking nodded.  Like it made total sense.
HIM:  (refreshes laughter)
ME:  So once again, I want to know: where?
HIM:  (pauses laughter in favor of confusion)
ME:  Where have these poor girls lived that the walls don’t go all the way to the floor?
HIM:  (resumes laughter)

 

 

 

 

* Fuck yes I do.  Everyone does, except people who are lying about it.  Glad we cleared that up—spiders of the world, DON’T GET TOO COMFORTABLE.

** And may never see again.  But I can hope.  I have so many questions for her.

*** Which, now that I reflect on it, is pretty shit storytelling.  But that’s how we’ve done things around here up until now and like I said, I’m only just waking up to the possibility of change.  Then again, the odds of ever again hearing something this remarkable are slim at best.  I mean… who gets that lucky?

 

 

 

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8 comments on “I Have So Many Questions

  1. Terri says:

    You never cease to amaze me with genuine laughter! Thank you for sharing your conversations!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Loved this! And totally relate to the ‘when they introduce themselves’ bit. My other half had that exact same rant last week. We moved a year ago and it never occurred to us to put that at the top of our ‘must have’ list. We put stupid stuff like ‘garden’. Thankfully our walls are the full length of our…….errrr…….walls .

    Liked by 1 person

  3. josypheen says:

    I am really confused about the other kind of walls! Half walls? Walls with holes? Air in place of walls!?

    Like

  4. 4hopejoy says:

    Thank you so much!!! I really needed a funny story/good laugh. I’m still chuckling.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. To be fair, working 9-5 in a cubicle has really made me appreciate floor to ceiling walls too.

    FYI @HouseBudgets on twitter is a parody account solely devoted to those house hunting show introductions and you need to go look at it immediately.

    Like

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