Once upon a time, in the earliest days of the Facebook page, Husband was so enamored of seeing his own words mocked immortalized on the internet that he would deliberately say ridiculous things to provoke a reaction, immediately followed by an eager, “Is that going on the page?”
These days, he’s gone a bit shy.
PHONE: (alarm goes off)
ME: (smacks pocket containing phone)
ME: I can’t believe that worked.
HIM: I was driving once—I think I was taking our son to school or something—and my phone rang. So I said out loud, “My phone’s in my pocket! I can’t answer right now!” and it—
ME: It picked up.
HIM: —picked up, yeah. It somehow knew—
ME: Because you said “answer.”
HIM: … Well. Yeah. I guess.
ME: That’s how you answer.
HIM: So I had a conversation on speakerphone, while my phone was in my pocket.
HIM: I didn’t know that was even… I mean, it makes sense, but I wish that hadn’t been my first experience with that feature.
HIM: And I really hope you don’t tell anyone about this.
ME: (indulgent smirk) Oh, sweetie.
It’s subtle, but did you detect that hint of reticence?
Honestly, I don’t know what to do about it… I mean, I can’t not tell people about these things—that’s just crazy. And I don’t have enough friends to satisfy my craving for witnesses an audience, so I need followers; hence the online presence. But now he’s trying to outsmart the blog and… well you knew that was going to backfire, didn’t you?
Want to watch?
ME: Hey honey?
ME: Oh good, you’re still up here. Where are the cotton things I got at Target? Where—
HIM: (takes sip of coke)
ME: —did they end up?
HIM: (still swallowing)
ME: (waits patiently)
HIM: (makes complicated hand gestures, possibly ASL for “my great-aunt had tusks like a walrus, but her hairdresser ate monkeys”)
HIM: They’re in the box, downstairs, in the breakfast room. I’ll go get them.
ME: … That’s what all that was?!
HIM: Actually, it was just, (more gestures) “they’re in the box.”
ME: (walks away)
HIM: But you won’t be able to blog that, because there’s no way to describe my hand-emojis!
ME: WATCH ME!