For some time now, Husband has been lobbying for a spinoff blog.
The premise? Actual Conversations with My Cat.
Now, obviously this is ridiculous because I don’t talk to Alexander Hamilton any more than anyone else talks to their cat, however inferior that feline might be to my mighty mini-lion. And, since you are here on the internet you obviously have a cat (or dog, what the hell) of your own to talk to and don’t need to read about me talking to mine, right?
So that’s settled, no need to tell you how Ham’s always tattling on me or the thing this morning. Good talk!
Fiiiiiiiine. One example. But only because I also kind of need a ruling on this one anyway—damned cat gets so smug!
ME: Okay, yes, I’m coming. (gets to bedroom door, stops, goes back for phone)
ME: Okay, but I just had to—every morning, you know this.
ME: Every morning I start to leave, thinking I’m done, and have to go back for my phone. Every morning.
HAMILTON: (trips me) Mrrrr…
ME: So if you know that this is how it is—every morning—who’s the one failing to learn here? The one who remembers to go back for her phone every morning?
ME: Or the one who forgets that I’m going to have to go back for my phone every morning?
STUPID CAT: Mraow?
ME: (pointing) Nobody asked you, Hei Hei!*
STUPID CAT: (runs downstairs to wait for foodie shake-your-booty time)
HIM: You’re the only person I know who can grab the moral high ground while arguing with her cat.
* Yes, we call her Hei Hei now. Sometimes. Because she’s exactly that stupid and also because it seems to really freak her out that we know her name. So we call her Hei Hei instead and she feels less anxious. Don’t ask me to explain it any better than that; she can’t even tell the difference between sunrise and sunset.