Where I Am

 

I have news.

 

Big news.  NEWSY news. 

megaphone held against blackboard displaying the words "breaking news"

 

Actually, most of you won’t or wouldn’t care about it one way or another but it’s a major life update and will be informing like, all the things for a while so I have to tell you.

 

But I can’t just come out and tell you!  That would be normal.  Boring!  The well-traveled path of mediocrity which, we have established, shall never know the kiss of my Sketchers,* requires blurting and therefore I will not blurt.

 

 

We’re moving.

Gwen Stephani covers her mouth quickly, as though she's just said something she shouldn't have, and looks around

 

SHIT!

 

Okay, wait, I can salvage this.

 

So there’s a lot going on right now—and you’re waaaaay overdue for some updates that I couldn’t give because Stuff and Reasons and Things and I swear I’ll get to those but first I want to address the elephant cow in the room: why do so many of you keep guessing that I live in Ohio?  I keep whining about living inches from the arctic circle, telling you I’m so far north I can see Santa and you’re like, “OHIO, RIGHT?” 

School bus, almost entirely buried in snow. Text reads: "Schools in Wisconsin be like, Two hour delay"

JK, we never had a whole 2 hours.  30 minutes to an hour, max, and even that was only for extreme wind chill.  

 

Wisconsin.  It’s practically Canada.

 

I’m telling you now because we’re leaving.  Couldn’t talk about exactly where before because we were in this teeny tiny town and I didn’t want drive-by’s, but we’re moving somewhere—

 

Oh no.  You almost had me.

 

Guessing time!

 

We’re moving… here:

 

A tall, mysterious shape against blue sky and wispy clouds vaguely resembles a real life Rainbow Road track from the MarioCart racing games

 

Rules:

  1. You each get as many guesses as you want, because I’m not your mom. Your mom also stopped you from eating cake for breakfast and I’m not about that life; eat cake for all I care.
  2. If someone guesses correctly, I will say so.
  3. If you are one of the people who guessed that I lived in Ohio, you must explain yourself. Ohio is not north, people!
  4. If you are a person who already knows the answer because you got a text, phone call frantic request for moving boxes or just heard it through the grapevine you are not allowed to play. That would be cheating, which is only okay when I do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* Thing you probably didn’t know about me: I have a serious Sketchers addiction.  If I’m not in heels (and if the dogs are nearby, I’m probably not) I’m wearing Sketchers.  I don’t even know how many pairs I have right now, because those fuckers never wear out and I just keep buying more.  #notsponsored because they don’t know who I am but if you work for Sketchers and are reading this, HOOK A BITCH UP.

 

 

 

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25 comments on “Where I Am

  1. Victor K says:

    Looking like … St. Louis, maybe? Not sure, I’m up in Northern Ontario, don’t really know the landmarks in your southern country.

    Also fun fact – Sketchers sponsored a fight I was working at and they had the officials in the ring wearing their shoes. Turns out they have basically zero grip on canvas. We were surprised no one thought to check that before risking the safety of the people working. Nice looking shoes, but not appropriate for the task.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I’m guessing St Louis – that looks very similar to a photo I took of the arch when I was trying to be all artsy fartsy!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jack Herlocker says:

    Either the St Louis arch, or the Washington Monument in a nearby reality where construction went terribly, horribly wrong and the architect said “No no, I meant it this way!”

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Leah says:

    Saint Louis! I grew up there 😁

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ooh, help me out! I’ve been told I’m supposed to find this place that makes the best cupcakes and cocoa in the whole world, but my source can’t remember it. I NEED THIS INFORMATION, because excellent cupcakes and hot cocoa are exactly the sort of thing that will make a stressful move worth it.

      Like

  5. Sherry says:

    St Louis, scary place

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sara says:

    Im gonna guess Ohio. Only because Ohio sounds good and because Im from the Yukon. Yes… Canada. The only things I know about your country, I get from memes. I’m sorry, lmao. So… have fun in Ohio! Congrats on your move!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. jen7iris says:

    Since that’s the St. Louis arch, I’m saying it’s St. Louis. Glad you’re joining those of us who live here already! Not sure you’ll find the weather here that much better. I mean, we down drown in snow, but I think it would sometimes be preferable to melting into our own puddles of sweat in the summer.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Since moving away from the desert, I’ve developed a simple strategy for surviving humid summers: I stay inside with the air conditioning and the ice cream and the no bugs.

      Outside = bad.

      Also—where are the amazing cupcakes and cocoa? I’ve heard I’m supposed to go get the best cupcakes in the whole world, but my source cannot remember the name of the place!

      Like

      • jen7iris says:

        I can think of a couple of great cupcake places. Not sure which one they are referring to. I love The Cup best. But some people love Jilly’s more. Theirs are HUGE and have loads of frosting and also are sometimes filled in the middle with more frosting. I usually feel like all of that is too much. Can’t speak to the cocoa since I’ve never tried it at either place. But I wonder if they are talking about Bissinger’s which is a local chocolate/candy place and you can get amazing desserts and hot chocolate there.

        Liked by 1 person

        • All three are now on my list—I’ll just have to taste test everything myself!

          Oh, the sacrifices I make.

          Like

          • jen7iris says:

            That’s a tough challenge, but I think you’ll conquer it. It helps that Bissinger’s and The Cup are right around the corner from each other. It also occurs to me that they could be talking about The Sweet Divine. I haven’t been but they are said to have amazing cupcakes and they have a coffee bar, boozy coffees, other drinks, and a Mimosa bar on Sundays. They also have a food truck that you see around at various events. I think I’ve had a cupcake from the truck when I was at a food truck event and it was delicious. I could probably go on for hours about great food in “The Lou” though. You will not go hungry here.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Cupcakes and mimosas?

            I’ll never fit through a door again.

            Liked by 1 person

  8. Arionis says:

    Well I’m late to the party on this one. I’m not sure about the cupcakes and cocoa but I hear they have good BBQ there.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. carolyn egle says:

    Don’t know about cupcakes, but you are entering the world of Gooey Butter Cake! No description can truly prepare for this amazing confection. The best I’ve had is either from Missouri Bakery or University Bakery, I can never remember and I only visit St. Louis 3 or 4 times a year. As for BBQ, you will be required to make a side trip to KC, the home of the world’s best BBQ.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have been promised gooey butter cake. I have been warned about gooey butter cake.

      You guys, I’m going to eat so much fucking butter cake.

      I can already tell, this isn’t going to be like the cheese curds thing. Which, by the way, I am on track to leave Wisconsin without ever having eaten a cheese curd. Bleh. (I accidentally got one in my mouth once, and spent the next hour and a half spitting it out.)

      Like

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