I have news.
Big news. NEWSY news.
Actually, most of you won’t or wouldn’t care about it one way or another but it’s a major life update and will be informing like, all the things for a while so I have to tell you.
But I can’t just come out and tell you! That would be normal. Boring! The well-traveled path of mediocrity which, we have established, shall never know the kiss of my Sketchers,* requires blurting and therefore I will not blurt.
Okay, wait, I can salvage this.
So there’s a lot going on right now—and you’re waaaaay overdue for some updates that I couldn’t give because Stuff and Reasons and Things and I swear I’ll get to those but first I want to address the elephant cow in the room: why do so many of you keep guessing that I live in Ohio? I keep whining about living inches from the arctic circle, telling you I’m so far north I can see Santa and you’re like, “OHIO, RIGHT?”
Wisconsin. It’s practically Canada.
I’m telling you now because we’re leaving. Couldn’t talk about exactly where before because we were in this teeny tiny town and I didn’t want drive-by’s, but we’re moving somewhere—
Oh no. You almost had me.
We’re moving… here:
- You each get as many guesses as you want, because I’m not your mom. Your mom also stopped you from eating cake for breakfast and I’m not about that life; eat cake for all I care.
- If someone guesses correctly, I will say so.
- If you are one of the people who guessed that I lived in Ohio, you must explain yourself. Ohio is not north, people!
- If you are a person who already knows the answer because you got a text, phone call frantic request for moving boxes or just heard it through the grapevine you are not allowed to play. That would be cheating, which is only okay when I do it.
* Thing you probably didn’t know about me: I have a serious Sketchers addiction. If I’m not in heels (and if the dogs are nearby, I’m probably not) I’m wearing Sketchers. I don’t even know how many pairs I have right now, because those fuckers never wear out and I just keep buying more. #notsponsored because they don’t know who I am but if you work for Sketchers and are reading this, HOOK A BITCH UP.