Your guessing powers are epic, and I love all of you. I wish I could move into your back yards, every last one of them. Except my Australian fans—y’all have nothing in your garden that doesn’t want to murder me, including the plants.
Not a one of you was fooled by that picture, and Husband was so proud of his distorting powers! Naturally, I couldn’t wait to tell him.
ME: Have you read today’s?
HIM: I’m… reading it now. It’s up.
ME: Your photo is in there. Four guesses so far, all of them correct.
ME: Yup. Including one who said she took a similar photo when she went.
ME: You tried. (kisses him) At least I love you!
For those who didn’t keep up or who can’t be arsed to read the last post, we are indeed moving to…
I’ve never lived in Missouri—in fact, I keep misspelling it—so this is one of those “new experiences” everyone’s always banging on about.
nb; if they all involve packing dust, count me out. Packing is not my jam. Unpacking is somehow worse.
But now you know, along with everyone else, which is important because this is all we’re talking about right now.
ME: How will you feel about living in Missouri?
HIM: Well… I was born in the other state in the Missouri compromise.
ME: Pretty sure that’s how Maine introduces itself at parties.
HIM: Not a lot of people know!
ME: That’s my point. “Hi, I’m Maine. Remember the Missouri Compromise? I was the other one.”
HIM: Did you know? I mean, you probably knew there were two—
ME: (giggling) Yes, I knew there were two. And if asked, that would have been about the limit of my knowledge.
ME: Wait—I might have guessed the other one also started with M—
ME: Actually, if pressed I would have said there were two but I think the other one’s not a state anymore.
HIM: (laughs) Possibly!
This also means I’m crazy-busy right now—that’s “right now” as in when I’m actually sat writing this, which does not necessarily need to be when you’re reading it. I know I’ve mentioned before that I store blog posts like nuts for winter, so you’ve almost always got at least a few days’ delay on whatever. This is so I have time to edit, distill, and find the quality gifs you’ve come to expect to go along with this fuckery. Some things have to be rushed, like Deleted Scenes or holiday posts, but for the most part I have a cushion, which saves me when I’m sick or busy or he’s boring.
Moving will eat that cushion.*
Everyone in my life is telling me it’s “fine” to take a break from blogging while I move, that people will understand, but that’s not what I want to do either. Partly because I don’t believe that nonsense (and neither do they after they listen to my manic recitation of counter-arguments) and partly because I don’t want to get settled and have to fire everything back up with a recap of all that’s happening now. That’s… insane, right?
Alternate plan: I do my best to record this process for you, with the understanding that you’re going to be a leetle bit behind because of course I padded my time with a filler post and a guessing game and some other shit. I’VE GOT A WHOLE HOUSE TO PACK UP AND A NEW HOME TO FIND, DAMMIT!
And no, I haven’t forgotten that you’re due an update on how we got to this point, I just… I was putting it off. Because shit got real for a while and I didn’t say anything, which was bad of me. I will now run through all of that, but quickly.
UPDATE: Remember the JTL sitch? Well they did end up settling, but they dragged it out like woah. I’m specifically prohibited from discussing the settlement (as in, was given a script, by actual lawyers, who looked me dead in the eye and said the words, “please don’t make this worse, you are not my client”) but I can say that we “reached a mutually beneficial agreement” for an “undisclosed amount” under terms I’m not supposed to mention at all.
Fortunately for all of us, at no point was I prohibited from proclaiming that Scott is a dick or that Stupid Mark Cockring’s parents aren’t dead, they’re just hiding from him.**
They also—and I didn’t think this was a real thing until I saw it for myself—“forgot” to sign the contract for a few weeks, causing us to freak out until we learned the mere act of having their legal department send it to us without a “non-binding” watermark was enough.
HIM: So the contract is valid and enforceable.
ME: That’s a relief. I heard you breathe a little sigh too—I know how much you love to be right.
HIM: I do—
ME: Almost as much as I do.
ME: Of course, nobody loves anything as much as I love being right.
HIM: I do like to be right; that’s why I usually agree with you.
HIM: (laughing) Really?
Nothing ever goes perfectly though, does it? While dealing with all of that, we learned that…
UPDATE: Husband’s chronic pain wasn’t just referred back pain—he’s got fibromyalgia. Which, if you don’t know, is just…
So some extra time was taken to deal with that diagnosis and sort out better pain management, which leads me to…
UPDATE: If you are a person who has been unemployed for more than a month or two, potential employers assume the reason is that you’re fundamentally unemployable and that’s an unattractive quality. Husband had, for the duration of our negotiations with Evil Corp, been passively “looking” but mostly hoping they would come to their senses (everyone kept saying they totally would) and hire him back in another role, another department, somewhere. This did not happen, and these days none of his former coworkers will return his calls—which is so disheartening considering how many of them he helped on their way up.
We cried, we raged, we ranted at the unfairness… and then we buckled down to figure out where the fuck he was gonna work if not around here. Shout out to California’s bay area for providing so many attractive opportunities*** but ultimately St Louis won our hearts. For now.
I am not a person who dreams of living in the same place for the next twenty years.
So that’s it, you’re all caught up. Stay tuned for… how we told our friends. Yikes.
ME: We need to tell people in person.
HIM: We need to tell Audrey and Evan.
ME: She already warned us if we ever move away we’d be dead to her.
HIM: I know.
ME: But I’m an excellent long distance friend!
HIM: I know!
ME: And we’re coming back. Not like that traitorous Crissy…
ME: “Oh, I’ll be back for the big weekends and gaming conventions!” And did she ever—
HIM: (makes ‘zero’ gesture)
ME: Yeah, never came back. (flings arm west-ish) Went to Minneapolis, made new gaming friends and never came back.
HIM: We’ll be on the same river.
ME: Oooh, can we travel up by river?
HIM: … I… guess? I mean, we’d have to find a boat.
ME: Then I guess you need to make friends with someone who has a boat!
* Everybody remember that episode of My Strange Addiction with the woman who ate couch cushions? I try not to judge because I know those people need help but how fucking nasty was that? She went to secondhand stores for those cushions—they were full of other people’s spills, farts, and bodily fluids. I can’t even buy a used couch for sitting on fully clothed, knowing that strangers had sex and let their kids vomit on it, and this crazy bitch is eating the cushions! Ngyah.
** Lawyers, man. They always think they covered all the angles, but nope!
*** I lived around there a lot as a kid, so it’s still on the Someday list.