My Unexamined Life


Okay, this is the last moving-related post.  I swear.  And it’s barely a moving post, since I’m not going to talk about the boxes that are the bane of my existence or how I still haven’t found my shampoo.  It’s cool, I’ll just buy more.


It’s just… remember the brain crabs? 


The ones we killed off when I, you know, found a place to live and totally pulled off this move even after everything went pear-shaped at the last fucking minute?


Turns out they’re armor-plated and radioactive. 

Glowing, radioactive cartoon crab with laser cannons for eyes

And they’re mutating.



Today I’m convinced that basically every decision I’ve ever made—and especially the recent ones—is a terrible mistake. 


You’re probably rolling your eyes at the very idea that I, your comedy goddess—hang on, that should have been title case and trademarked—Comedy Goddess™, could possibly have fucked up everything.  But you’re not in my house right now, unpacking this shit.


Confession, because I know you won’t judge me?*  I spent an entire goddamned day packing art that never got hung in the old house. 


I have no excuse for this phenomenon, only explanations.  And even my explanations are a little flimsy:


  1. I kind of always wanted to paint the walls? All of them.  Yes, really.  Plus, there was the wallpaper situation to deal with, and who wants to hang a picture just to pull it down when you’re therapeutically destroying wallpaper?
  2. Some of it isn’t framed. Because I never found just the right frame, you see.  I mean, I probably could have just gone and bought a frame at one of the half-dozen craft stores within 20 minutes of my house, or a framing shop—there’s even more of those, for some reason—or online if I didn’t feel like wearing a bra.  But I didn’t do that.  Because I couldn’t find exactly the right frame, see?
  3. Regarding the empty frames sitting around waiting for something to go in them: I could never decide which thing I liked best in each frame, or if maybe I wanted more of that bronzy one or more like it to kind of carry a theme or if maybe I should get more of the dark wood ones… it’s a big decision, okay? It’s not like you can ever take a photo or print out of a frame and switch it to another one!
  4. I did hang one, once. And immediately realized it was smaller than I’d first thought.  Or the wall was bigger?  Maybe the room was really big.  Whatever, the point is I had a new problem for which I was ill-equipped: I needed a grouping.  Should there be a theme?  Matching frames?  That frame came from a thrift store!**  I fell in love with it because it was all vintage-y and unlike anything I’d ever seen—how could I match it to lesser frames?  Also, how to arrange these theoretical photos?  I scurried away to read articles and watch youtube videos and never got around to hanging anything around my one failure.  Sorry, Bridgit. 


So here I am, in a house that still doesn’t have air conditioning—the guy came to show off the frozen lines and unplug the thing, but he won’t be able to fix it until maybe tomorrow when it’s fully thawed—or hot water (cold shower, anyone?) and a whole bunch of lights don’t work, outlets don’t work, switches don’t work, and one of the side gates doesn’t latch and I’m thinking…

mistake opera singer

Yeah.  That.


Because I gotta say, I’m unpacking a lot of regrets right now.


No, that’s… that’s not a metaphor.  Literally, I’m unpacking regrets.  I almost wish this was youtube so I could take you on a video tour (except I’m sweaty and not wearing a bra, so… no?) of the regrets. 


There’s the art that never hung anywhere, sure.  And the beautiful mahogany photo album I never put any pictures in.

(The Hunger Games) Effie Trinket shouting "that is MAHOGANY!" at a stabby Katniss.

I know, that’s why I left it in the box!


But there’s also the crystal decanter and wine goblets a friend gave me ages ago.  Still in the box.  I’ve been carting them around in the original packaging for 17 years.  That album?  I’ve had it for 20, still in the original box. 


I look around and… it’s like I shook off all the crap I didn’t need to drag along with this last move, sure (pats self on back) but meanwhile I’ve got all these things I’ve carted around for decades, like I’m waiting for a better life so I can finally start living it.


What?  That doesn’t sound like me.


Except… clearly it does.



Okay, thing you probably didn’t know about me: I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions.  They’re kind of bullshit and nobody really keeps them.  Plus, everyone resolves to do the same things anyway, because we’re all in sort of the same mindset right then and it’s a very temporary place.  Bah.


But what I do believe in is new life resolutions.  That trite line about today being the first day of the rest of your life?  Forget it, because it’s garbage.  BUT.  I believe we can choose any day to start a new life and go forward with it in whatever way we want. 


Looking around this tiny, sweltering rental, I see all the evidence of who I am: a woman who plans for tomorrow rather than living today; a woman who “keeps things nice” rather than risk a chip or crack while laughing with friends; a woman who is so afraid of being disappointed by a choice, she’d rather not make them.

inspirational image of woman dancing in field of wildflowers at sunrise, text reads "just be yourself." Red BULLSHIT stamp overlays entire image.


Life, my friends, is too fucking short to waste on being who you are. 


Starting today—starting right goddamned now—I’m going to be who I want to be.


Pictures will be hung, even if they’re in the wrong spot.


Fragile things will be put out, used, admired, and almost certainly broken.  Fuck it.  That’s what they’re for, right?


Hold me accountable.  Don’t let me backslide.


Collage frame filled with family photos, hanging on wall



I’m gonna go take a cold shower.  Wish me luck!





* I am 100% aware this is not a binding contract and you will judge the crap out of me—in many cases, before you even close the tab.  Just let me pretend, m’kay?

** Highly recommend, BTW.  There’s just no reason to pay a shit ton for frames unless you need them to match—like you’re framing a set of something—in which case, amazon is your friend and you can still go cheap for most things.  But if you want pretty and interesting and not-at-all-like-anything-your-friends-have?  Thrift store frames are the way to go.  People send frames there because the glass is broken, ffs.  And glass is easy to replace!   (Not that I ever got around to doing that either, but they sell it on amazon so I have no excuse; I could have done it while laying in bed, thinking about what a useless lump I am.)





16 comments on “My Unexamined Life

  1. Losing the Plot says:

    Fucking hell, that could have been me, but funnier and braless, the girls pretty much need contained most of the time otherwise they will collide and the resulting tremor will end the world. No, really!

    I am writing this, in bed, knowing that to my right in the bedside table there is a fancy box of six exquisite (delicate) wine glasses that I do not trust around my family. Too pretty to use, or be displayed or ever come out of their box. I’ve had them 10 years, they’ve never seen daylight. thats at the top of the list that goes on and on

    I heard a phase once that stud with me, “Better to regret something you’ve done, than something you haven’t”so that seems apt for living the life you want to live other than wait for it.

    Good luck with the cold shower, I believe brain crabs only enjoy hot water, so they may well fek right off! xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I completely relate to this, however I no longer save things ‘for best’. I don’t want to end up being buried with stuff that I never got the pleasure of wearing/using/seeing. I find it SO HARD to make decisions on small stuff (but I never sweat the big stuff), so we still have all our prints & pictures to put up somewhere. And they’re all in matching frames, ones I know I can always buy, because choosing individual frames is, as before, SO HARD!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I had that, a great stack of framed stuff just waiting for me to get off my ass and hang it somewhere at the old place. Literally just propped against the wall in one of the rooms we weren’t using, collecting dust… I kicked myself the whole time I was packing them. I mean, why? Other people seem to do it effortlessly! They have whole walls taken up with pictures and will just buy random wall art and whatever and then hang it like it’s nothing.

      Obviously, I’ve got a defective gene somewhere. I don’t understand the question, “Aren’t you nervous, moving to a city where you don’t know anyone?” (hell no, that sounds exciting!) but ask me about family photos or what color tea towels I want and my stomach cramps and my face goes all hot.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ha! We said yes to our house in a heartbeat, biggest commitment of our lives. But over a year later we still have blankets up at our bedroom windows cos it took so much time and energy choosing curtains for downstairs, we’re not sure we can go through it again 😉

        Liked by 2 people

        • I’m in awe of your curtain-buying prowess—we never got around to replacing any of the curtains that came with our old house. Even the ones I hated. We’d go shopping, I’d hate everything and get overwhelmed, convince myself I could just make something, go home, do the math, realize that no, that’s even more headache and expense… rinse and repeat.

          If there was an adulting test you had to pass in order to vote and buy alcohol, I would still legally be a child.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE!!! I am currently a woman who uses the good china when family comes over or when I want a fancy cup of tea. The good china! The Copeland Spode Tower series china. I mean, I have a slight stroke whenever someone tries to pass a dish and it teeters like it may fall…but we use the damn china! If you were to stop by, I would give you your coffee in the good china cups. Gotta live.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Curtains? I’m in awe of people who get that far. I finally taped up some translucent plotter paper/plastic (from a huge plotter they got rid of at work — they were getting rid of the roll so I took it home) and used acrylics to make a crappy underwater scene. (Please note: I cannot paint. It looks like a kindergartner used finger paints.)

    It will probably stay up until I die (which will be in this house because I am never moving again) but at least now my neighbors won’t be looking at me while they’re doing the dishes.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This was totally me a few years ago when I moved into my house.. I’ve been trying to move now since like a month after we moved in… I love your honesty in your posts! It’s nice to not hear about someone “perfect life” all the time

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, if I ever get a glamorous, instagram-perfect life you’ll hear about it! I mean, I’ll try to make it funny, but I’ll be bragging all over the damned place. #blessed, you know?

      Until then, I’ll just keep petting the white furry throws in their natural environment (no idea how I haven’t been kicked out of Costco by now) and wishing I could be the sort of person who owns one that isn’t instantly covered in muddy pawprints and cheeto dust.


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