Getting (back to my) Gimmick

 

Last week I gave you a Conversation between my cats and wrote about an encounter with a professional exterminator.

 

At least, I think that’s who he was.  It’s possible a passing lunatic came by to murder me but, seeing the truck outside, had a change of heart and murdered the exterminator instead.  Then he stole the uniform and sprayed orange juice around my house so I wouldn’t wonder what happened to the real exterminator. 

 

Unlikely?  Sure.  But it would explain the giant fucking spider Hamilton killed last night while I watched Orange is the New Black.

(Orange is the New Black) CO Luschek steps outside, looks around, goes back into prison. Text flashes: *NOPE!*

 

Anyway, between those two posts you might be wondering if I’ve forgotten the stated goal of this page: to bring you truthful, accurate reports of the things my husband says in the form of my actual conversations with him.  I promise you, it is not so!  Here, let me soothe you with a quick sampling of what it’s been like, living here with him.

 

 

Let’s start with the bit where posted about my move and my Meth Ghosts (who are totally real and you’re going to read more about them soon because some stuff happened but today is not the day for that) and one of you commented thusly:

 

Comment: "I totally want to hear more about the voices/ghosts. You've seen those videos where someone puts in a hidden camera and discovers there's someone living in their ceiling or something? Maybe there's a secret meth lab in your ceiling?" Reply: "WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT TO ME? I HAVE TO SLEEP HERE!"

 

This was a horrible thing to say and caused me to have the following text conversation with Husband, who took time out of his day—at his new job, where they are paying him to make sure things don’t fall out of the sky and kill you while you’re driving home tonight, so you’re fucking welcome—to explain that my readers are wrong and Jesse and his new crew are not in my attic cooking meth.

 

ME:  Could this house have a secret attic space we don’t know about?  With meth cooks in?
HIM:  Well, it’s not so much secret as inaccessible.  We do have a slightly pitched roof, and only the living room, kitchen, and front bedrooms having ceilings that follow the roof line.  So there might be some attic space above, besides what’s used for the AC vents.
ME:  But there couldn’t be like, PEOPLE in there, right?
HIM:  No.
HIM:  Well
HIM:  Not living people.
ME:  You are the LEAST helpful sort of husband!
HIM:  I got theater tickets for this weekend.
ME:  You are my FAVORITE sort of husband!

 

He explained more when he brought me the tickets.  It turns out, his new company has season Muny tickets, and they give them out to employees. 

view of the stage from box seats at the Muny outdoor theater, maybe four rows from the front

Good seats, too.

 

Now this is the sort of perk I can get behind!  Sure, some of my friends are publishing important research and getting their kids free tuition at the university where they work, but I almost got hit by a glove during Gypsy Rose Lee’s last striptease, so who’s really living their best life?

 

I’d say me, but then we had to come home.  Where this other thing happened.

 

ME:  Also, before I forget?  There’s a weird scary gross bug in the hall bathroom.
HIM:  …
ME:  I think it’s dead, so if you could just…
HIM:  …
ME: You know… Take care of him?
HIM:  No!  He signed a DNR!
ME: 
HIM:  (laughs)

David Tennant laughing

Like this.  Every.  Time.

 

 

 

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8 comments on “Getting (back to my) Gimmick

  1. Losing the Plot says:

    Yeah, good for Hamilton, he earned his dinner right there.

    I haven’t been great with spiders since a really big one jumped out of my wardrobe and mugged me.

    That left me with Post Traumatic Spider Disorder and I’ve taken pleasure in sucking them up the vacuum cleaner ever since.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Allison says:

    I feel both simultaneously guilty for having worried you so much that you needed to have that conversation, and positively gleeful that I was the source for a post. 😉 Sorry. And thank you. Also, Ham is an AWESOME cat. My cat just plays with spiders and pisses them off so they try to kill me. She also brings my husband gifts of snakes. Garden snakes, but he still doesn’t appreciate it.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Sherry Bucalo says:

    Years ago I managed an apt. building and for some time my brother did maintenance for me. I got a call for a spider and liking them apparently as much as you, called my brother to go get it. Brother walks into the apt, yells “maintenance” takes off his sandal and kills the spider. The old lady who’s lived there, as he turned to go, asked him if he was not going to take away the body, sat there listening to him explain he was simply maintenance and he had “fixed her problem as she no longer needed to worry about the spider, but that now it was a garbage problem, which he explained was another union….. I had to run to get out of there as I was so close to peeing my pants. Wish I had recorded some of his antics, he was a hoot and a half

    Liked by 2 people

    • See, no. I can’t… no. Because I have this fear—totally irrational and I know it—that if ANY PART of the nope is left behind, it will regrow the rest of the body, reanimate, and come after me. Probably while I’m sleeping.

      This is why I make Husband “crush and flush” or let Hamilton eat them. No remains may remain.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. jen7iris says:

    You didn’t die in the heat at the Muny?! Good for you. I am personally not a Muny fan because it’s usually so damn hot. And distracting, although it looks like you had nice, close seats, so probably not as distracting as the seats further back where people think that since you’re outside, it’s ok to just get up and down all through the show. Now, the Fox on the other hand…THAT is a great place to see a show.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I was thinking about that while we were seated before the show; everyone in our section came in, greeted familiar faces around them (season tickets only in the boxes, so everyone gets to know their neighbor) then settled in to enjoy what they’ve paid so much to see. I did glance back a few times and noticed the distinct tiers of behavior.

      Looking forward to the Fox as well, but it will be more difficult to drag Husband out… hoping the Muny tickets will help convert him 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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