So there I was—here I was, really, since I’m here again
plonking away at something or other when I heard a knock on the door…
Dressed only in the sense that I wasn’t totally naked, I answered. Because the if the UPS guy can’t handle me at my worst he doesn’t deserve me at my best.
It wasn’t the UPS guy.
OFFICIAL PERSON: Hi, I’m Bob. From the City.
ME: Hi, Bob.
BOB: I was just driving by and noticed that you don’t have bins—
ME: We don’t have bins. (steps outside) And I’ve been on them about it—
BOB: So… do you live here?
ME: … Yes?
BOB: Because when I noticed that you don’t have bins, I went to check into it. Because you’re supposed to have bins—
ME: Right?!? And I keep asking the rental company, but they’re all, “oh, have they not sent those yet? We’ll call them again.” And it never happens!
BOB: Well when I looked into it I found the reason you don’t have bins is because they never set up service.
BOB: … Because nobody’s supposed to be living here.
BOB: Right. See, they were supposed to register this as a rental property and do an inspection—
ME: Wait. Wait. WAIT. There wasn’t an inspection?!
BOB: No! And we need—
ME: Oh my god! So all those things—I’m sorry to interrupt you, but we’ve been complaining and putting in maintenance requests and they put us off and there’s all these things that my husband is saying “that’s not safe” and I’m like, “honey, calm down, I’m sure it’s fine because it’s up to code.”
BOB: But we don’t know that!
ME: BUT WE DON’T KNOW THAT!
ME: OH MY GOD!
BOB: So you’ve noticed issues?
ME: I’VE GOT DOORS THAT DON’T OPEN!
BOB: That’s a fire hazard!
BOB: Okay, so… I’ve got to write these guys up. Let me… let me get your name…
ME: (gives contact information)
BOB: And do you have contact information for this company as well?
ME: Yes I do.
BOB: Okay, I’m need to send them these notices… and then I—I’m so sorry, I have to post this on your door. (puts gross scary sticker on my door)*
ME: Oh. That’s… fun.
BOB: Yeah. I’m sorry, we just have to. This is totally not your fault, I understand you just moved here and—oh, cute cat!
ME: (turns around)
ALEXANDER HAMILTON: (paws on screen door) MRAA-MRRRAAAAAAARWWWW**
ME: That’s Alexander Hamilton. Come on in and I’ll get you those numbers. I’ve probably got an address too, somewhere.
BOB: (eyes glued to A. Ham) Okay!
Here followed a lengthy discussion about Alexander Hamilton, our families, my dogs, and a whole lot of other stuff that has nothing to do with anything except this: Bob likes me and my animals and is totally on our side in this whole mess. Which is good, because technically the city could force Sham Property Management Inc LLC*** to evict me and get their inspection done on a nice empty house. Or they could just seize the property, evict me themselves, and auction it off to Anyone But Sham Property Management Inc LLC Who Is No Longer Permitted To Own Property In This City.
But they’re not doing that yet, because Bob is cool and gets that this is Not My Fault.
I just have to live with a gross scary sign on my door telling the world we’re squatters while we wait for the douchenozzle from Sham Property Management Inc LLC—let’s call him Scott—to decide what he’s going to do.
Scott—not his real name, but we’ve established that Scott’s a dick so I’m just going to call all dudes like him Scott—has until the end of the month to make the necessary changes, pass inspection, and do the other paperwork to get us Officially living here. Or else.
Scott has already been putting me off about the bins since we signed the lease, so I’m not optimistic about his ability to get his shit together, take this seriously, and meet a fucking deadline.
tl;dr: I’m maybe 2/3 unpacked here and I may be looking for a new place to live. Or maybe not? Everything is up in the air and that is my least favorite place for things to be and that’s why I was freaking out when Husband’s phone went on the fritz.
* Sticker states that this property is not authorized or fit for human occupation. Which is totally not embarrassing at all. I can’t wait for the UPS guy to see it.
** Translation: “Explain to me again why you get to go outside without a harness and a leash? Also, who is this and why haven’t you invited me out to play with him?”
*** Having learned a thing or three from JTL, I am not revealing this “company’s” actual name as long as I’m financially entangled with them. Which, I can tell you right now, will be a maximum of one year.