In Which I Receive A Sign

 

So there I was—here I was, really, since I’m here again

 

 

Antiquey wooden desk with laptop, thriving (but not blooming) orchids, planner, etc. and one miniature lion trying to steal the frame

Alexander Hamilton was just about there as well.

 

plonking away at something or other when I heard a knock on the door…

 

 

(Princess Bride) Cary Elwes asks, "who are you? Are we enemies?"

 

Dressed only in the sense that I wasn’t totally naked, I answered.  Because the if the UPS guy can’t handle me at my worst he doesn’t deserve me at my best.

 

woman with tangled hair and dazed look

 

It wasn’t the UPS guy.

 

ME:  Hi…?
OFFICIAL PERSON:  Hi, I’m Bob.  From the City.
ME:  Hi, Bob.
BOB:  I was just driving by and noticed that you don’t have bins—
ME:  We don’t have bins.  (steps outside)  And I’ve been on them about it—
BOB:  So… do you live here?
ME:  … Yes?
BOB:  Because when I noticed that you don’t have bins, I went to check into it.  Because you’re supposed to have bins—
ME:  Right?!?  And I keep asking the rental company, but they’re all, “oh, have they not sent those yet?  We’ll call them again.”  And it never happens!
BOB:  Well when I looked into it I found the reason you don’t have bins is because they never set up service.
ME:  (fumes)
BOB:  … Because nobody’s supposed to be living here.
ME:  (gasps)
BOB:  Right.  See, they were supposed to register this as a rental property and do an inspection—
ME:  Wait.  Wait.  WAIT.  There wasn’t an inspection?!
BOB:  No!  And we need—
ME:  Oh my god!  So all those things—I’m sorry to interrupt you, but we’ve been complaining and putting in maintenance requests and they put us off and there’s all these things that my husband is saying “that’s not safe” and I’m like, “honey, calm down, I’m sure it’s fine because it’s up to code.”
BOB:  But we don’t know that!
ME:  BUT WE DON’T KNOW THAT!
BOB:  Right!
ME:  OH MY GOD!
BOB:  So you’ve noticed issues?
ME:  I’VE GOT DOORS THAT DON’T OPEN!
BOB:  That’s a fire hazard!
ME:  RIGHT?!?!
BOB:  Okay, so… I’ve got to write these guys up.  Let me… let me get your name…
ME:  (gives contact information)
BOB:  And do you have contact information for this company as well?
ME:  Yes I do.
BOB:  Okay, I’m need to send them these notices… and then I—I’m so sorry, I have to post this on your door.  (puts gross scary sticker on my door)*
ME:  Oh.  That’s… fun.
BOB:  Yeah.  I’m sorry, we just have to.  This is totally not your fault, I understand you just moved here and—oh, cute cat!
ME:  (turns around)
ALEXANDER HAMILTON:  (paws on screen door)  MRAA-MRRRAAAAAAARWWWW**
ME:  That’s Alexander Hamilton.  Come on in and I’ll get you those numbers.  I’ve probably got an address too, somewhere.
BOB:  (eyes glued to A. Ham)  Okay!
ME:  (sighs)

 

 

Here followed a lengthy discussion about Alexander Hamilton, our families, my dogs, and a whole lot of other stuff that has nothing to do with anything except this: Bob likes me and my animals and is totally on our side in this whole mess.  Which is good, because technically the city could force Sham Property Management Inc LLC*** to evict me and get their inspection done on a nice empty house.  Or they could just seize the property, evict me themselves, and auction it off to Anyone But Sham Property Management Inc LLC Who Is No Longer Permitted To Own Property In This City.

 

But they’re not doing that yet, because Bob is cool and gets that this is Not My Fault.

 

I just have to live with a gross scary sign on my door telling the world we’re squatters while we wait for the douchenozzle from Sham Property Management Inc LLC—let’s call him Scott—to decide what he’s going to do.

 

Scott—not his real name, but we’ve established that Scott’s a dick so I’m just going to call all dudes like him Scott—has until the end of the month to make the necessary changes, pass inspection, and do the other paperwork to get us Officially living here.  Or else.

 

Scott has already been putting me off about the bins since we signed the lease, so I’m not optimistic about his ability to get his shit together, take this seriously, and meet a fucking deadline.

 

tl;dr: I’m maybe 2/3 unpacked here and I may be looking for a new place to live.  Or maybe not?  Everything is up in the air and that is my least favorite place for things to be and that’s why I was freaking out when Husband’s phone went on the fritz.

 

(Schitts Creek) Alexis explains to DAvid over dinner, "See? Now this all makes sense!"

 

 

 

* Sticker states that this property is not authorized or fit for human occupation.  Which is totally not embarrassing at all.  I can’t wait for the UPS guy to see it.

** Translation: “Explain to me again why you get to go outside without a harness and a leash?  Also, who is this and why haven’t you invited me out to play with him?”

*** Having learned a thing or three from JTL, I am not revealing this “company’s” actual name as long as I’m financially entangled with them.  Which, I can tell you right now, will be a maximum of one year.

 

 

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19 comments on “In Which I Receive A Sign

  1. Jen says:

    Well… shit…
    Maybe unpacking completely is not a good idea until everything is figured out.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Losing the Plot says:

    Douche nozzle l

    I’m going to have fun with that!

    Mentally deposits this with Cockwomble and Clusterfuck in the bank of favourite insults

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Jack Herlocker says:

    Well, THAT totally sucks…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ellenbest24 says:

    what an awful thing to happen, I am so sorry you have barely settled in. I hope you have some recourse, can get compensation for distress caused and fear of answering the door! Good luck keep us posted … if you were here we would take you in, awful awful people.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Aww, thank you 🙂

      We’ve talked about just moving and forcing Sham Property Management Inc LLC to foot the bill in addition to refunding All The Money, but we’d end up in court with them over it and… no fun. It would take a long time. And we just moved. I know it sounds lazy and whiney, but I’d really rather avoid moving again for a year or so if I possibly can. Next year? For sure, we’re moving. No question. Buh-bye, Scott! But right now?

      … There’s a big sale at Ikea this weekend, and I won’t miss that just because of these assholes.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. sarah9188 says:

    I’m going to have to hug my landlord the next time I see him after reading this. Holy crap, Scott is the worst. At least Bob from the city was totally cool. Ugh, I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I will have to say you made it a thoroughly enjoyable read that made me want to instantly follow your blog, though I feel a little guilty about enjoying it while you are facing the possibility of getting evicted.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Glad I was able to entertain, even in the depths of my stress, lol. Yeah, eviction/finding a new home is sort of step 982 in this whole nightmare so I think we’re okay… maybe? It’s just the uncertainty that’s killing me.

      Well, that and the fact that the one person who can FIX all of this has proven they’re an irrisponsible twonk. I have a hard enough time waiting on other people to fix things without that person being someone I’m pretty sure I can’t trust.

      But hey, welcome! Don’t forget to have a look ’round at some other stuff while you’re here!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. DAMN you could turn this saga into a novel.

    Like

  7. jen7iris says:

    ugh! no fun! What is with landlords when they do this shit? Do they really think they won’t get found out?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Yay for Bob though eh? Glad you have a Very Important Ally. I really hope this is sorted in a timely and satisfactory manner. Admin Hell is hell and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Stick two fingers up at Scott by buying some fun (great value) Ikea stuff to fill your house with. But maybe nothing that will take an age to dismantle and pack. Good Luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    • We aaaaaaactually got the 5×5 Kallex. Which is for sure one of those pieces we’ll have to take apart to move out. It’s also possible our dresser might require some serious maneuvering to get out through the hall. So yeah, Scott’s got to unfuck this shit; I for sure can’t face moving just yet.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Aren’t you in St. Louis? Apparently they are going to (not kidding about this) *stop* using no-knock SWAT raids to enforce building code violations. (https://m.riverfronttimes.com/newsblog/2018/08/20/city-to-change-nuisance-property-policy-after-no-knock-raid-on-wrong-house) Although I guess in your case they’ve already sort of condemned the place so you don’t need to worry about it.

    Some days I really don’t understand the world.

    Liked by 1 person

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