Slipping Him Bread

 

In spite of the gross scary sticker on our door and the obviously dangerous meth ghosts, we are endeavoring to settle in to both this house and our new city. 

 

Thing One: St. Louis is a beautiful city with literally everything we could ask for including friendly people.

Thing Two: We are still 100% dependent on GPS.

gps

 

 

“Oh,” you say, “of course you are!  It takes time to learn your way around—you’ll get the hang of it!”

 

You’re not great at math, are you?

 

100% dependent.  As in we literally can’t get out of our neighborhood without.  The GPS.  Which has tried to kill us before.

 

Problem: Husband, who gets to go to an interesting job all day and do “interesting” things* also claims most of the driving privileges.  Since, as previously noted, he is the world’s worst passenger, I let this happen.  For now.  

 

But his phone and I are not friends.

 

ME:  Okay Google… Is the St. Louis bread company actually—
HIM:  You’re not asking a question, you’re just shouting at the phone.
ME:  I am asking!
HIM:  Okay, but you’re not—
ME:  No, look—oh, shit.  Wait.  STAHP, GOOGLE!
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  Fuck this noise.  I hate your phone.
HIM:  How are you pressing random buttons?  There are only three!
ME:  I don’t know!
HIM:  (presses correct button)
ME:  Okay Google, Is the St. Louis Bread company actually Panera?
GOOGLE:  According to Wikipedia, “at the same time the St. Louis Bread Company was renovating—“
ME:  Okay, shut up, that’s all irrelevant.
HIM:  (sighs)
ME:  See?  I should have just checked Wikipedia to begin with.  (reads)  …Yeah, Panera started here as the St. Louis Bread Company.  So.  Now will you give it another chance and learn to love it?
HIM:  I’ll try.

 

exhausted man at cluttered desk; desk placard identifies him as Google (from "If Google was a guy" videos)

I never get this shit from Alexa.

 

Yes, friends, try to wrap your brains around that one—Husband has a bias against Panera.

 

No, I can’t explain it.  I’ve tried asking him what offends him:

 

Is it the giant salads made with just about anything you can imagine?

(Big Bang Theory) Sheldon at his laptop, says, "No."

 

Delicious sandwiches and paninis?

(Big Bang Theory) Sheldon Cooper smirking, shaking his head

 

Does he… hate bagels?  Bread?  Muffins of unimaginable deliciousness?

haha NO!

 

I know it’s not the smoothies, though he refuses to pay for one since—and I am not making this up—Husband insists if you’re drinking it, it is neither a meal nor a snack.**

 

But at least he’s agreed to give it another chance, now that it’s a “local thing,” right?

 

Enter the damned GPS:

 

ME:  Need dinner.  Seriously.  Necesito num-nums.
HIM:  Okay.  Want to try St. Louis Bread Company?
ME:  Ooh, you’re ready to give them a real chance?  (smirks)
HIM:  … Let’s just go.
ME:  (already in car)
HIM:  Shit.  You’ll have to guide—my phone is dead.
ME:  Okay.  (looks down)  Are we going to the one on (street)?
HIM:  No.
ME:  (Street)?  Or… (Street)?
HIM:  No and no.  Just… it’s the one over by—
ME:  That’s not gonna be helpful information to me yet.  I’m looking at—
HIM:  See, this is why I hate having you navigate!
ME:  Should’ve charged your phone, then.  Look, I’m just going to put in the one in (neighborhood).  That should be fine.
HIM:  Yeah.
ME:  (clips phone into dash)
HIM:  Of course, I’m halfway there.
ME:  (looks around)  You found your way?
HIM:  …
ME:  You found your own way while you were giving me shit?
HIM:  … Yep.
ME:  And you wonder why I hate you.
HIM:  Oh, I don’t wonder.

 

Rihanna sitting in car giving such side-eye

 

 

 

 

* More on that later.  Probably another post, because this one’s gone a bit long and scraggly, but here’s your teaser: there was some inappropriate use of the word “sexy.”

** The man still loves him a smoothie and if I’m making them he wants in… so long as I don’t tell him what I’m putting in it.

 

 

 

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8 comments on “Slipping Him Bread

  1. Jack Herlocker says:

    Car chargers. Great Christmas gifts. Or Labor Day. Or “Look, it’s Thursday!” Just a thought.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jack Herlocker says:

    Oh.
    Um.
    Ahhhhh…

    So, meth ghosts, eh? I’ve heard those can be bad.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. jen7iris says:

    Beware the St. Louis Bread Co. on Clayton Ave (in Richmond Heights). They cannot for the life of them get my order right. Last time I was in there I ordered a latte. 15 minutes later, after watching multitudes of people get their orders before me, I inquired, politely, whether my order would be up soon. They said something about the machine being broken and that it would be a few more minutes. At this point, I think the look on my face began to morph and show them my growing displeasure about the fact that they had not said something sooner. 5 minutes later, they said it still wasn’t working and did I want to wait or just get something else. I said I’d take an iced coffee. They asked if I wanted my money back and I think at that point my face fully told them what idiots I thought they were. She said she’d go get my money and I said it needed to happen quickly because I had people waiting for me. I walked out with an ice coffee and a few bucks back on my order and vowed to not go back to that location because that was about the 5th strike for them on my orders. Also, I have to say I’m usually very understanding and polite when there are issues with my orders, but I expect you to come and give me updates instead of making me wait and finally give in and go try to find out where my damn coffee is.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. sarah9188 says:

    I cannot fathom someone not liking Panera. I just keep saying, “But there’s bread….” anytime someone voices their displeasure of the place. I do however hate Google with a fiery passion. I think Google Maps is just utterly confused by our area, which is incredibly screwed up but when I follow your dang instructions to the letter and you tell me that you are recalculating, I want to have an adult temper tantrum right then and there. I’d throw the phone out the window if it wasn’t so expensive. 😛

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ooh, and his does this thing when you’ve gone off course that makes me want to smack her. Instead of “recalculating route” which my old one did (and he hated) or anything like it, it says… “Okay, now _____” and the new directions. But that “Okay” is said in the judgiest fucking tone. So when we’re stopped in our intended route because of a train or a parade or something and we’re driving in random directions trying to fix it, she’s all exasperated, like, “Okay, now take ____ and… Okay, make the next legal U-turn and… OKAY, just turn right here and… GOD DAMMIT, WHY DON’T YOU DO WHAT I TELL YOU?”

      Because you don’t know, Google. Because you don’t know and also we hate you.

      Liked by 1 person

      • sarah9188 says:

        YES! I noticed that it started doing that now! My husband was ignoring what she said, and I was like, “Google is hardcore judging you right now.” Like I feel like if Google were a person, she’d be rolling her eyes at me like some annoying teenage girl. OKAY, GOOGLE, if you had just given me the right directions in the first place, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thought this. 😀

        Liked by 2 people

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