Actually, He’s a Dick


I know you’ve been waiting to hear about all the exciting repairs going on around my house but I’ve got to be honest with you: I’m still trying to get them to understand that having a door that doesn’t open is a BIG FUCKING DEAL.

Crazy Pills


Seriously—and here I’m going to deviate from my intended topic, which is the Official Inspection, to tell you about the “handyman” they sent by to deal with: 1) a back door that doesn’t open, 2) a gate that doesn’t close, and 3) an outlet that doesn’t work. 



He brought one tool with him: a hammer. 

(World of Warcraft) dwarf holding giant hammer says "got it!"

But without the beard.


Seriously.  Not even a can of WD-40!  Nothing!  They banged on my door until they got it to open, then realized it wouldn’t latch properly and banged on it until it closed again.  Then they tied a rope around my back gate to keep it shut and called it a day.  When I asked about the outlets?


“Have you tried the switch?”  Yes, I’d tried the switch.  And we tested the outlet, so we know it doesn’t work.  “Oh, man… you’d need an electrician or somebody for that.  You should tell them it’s not working.”

(Lilo & Stitch) frustrated Stitch (alien experiment 626) double-facepalms, drags his lower eyelids down his face


So my phone rang one fine day.  It was Bob.  You know, from the City?


BOB:  Well… we’ve got your inspection scheduled.
ME:  Oh?
BOB:  This guy… this guy is a real asshole, you know that?
ME:  Yeah, I know it.
BOB:  I was ready to come out and meet him, but he pissed me off and I stayed in my office and just listened.
ME:  (laughs)
BOB:  He comes in—and you know he had until the end of the month to get the inspection, right?
ME:  Right…
BOB:  So he comes in and tells my guys at the front desk that he wants to schedule an inspection for the fourteenth!
ME:  What?!
BOB:  Yeah!
ME:  That’s… that’s next month!
BOB:  It is!
ME:  Oh my god…
BOB:  So they told him no, that he had until the 31st… and he scheduled it for the 3rd.
ME:  You.  Are.  Kidding me.
BOB:  Nope.  I couldn’t believe it!  They couldn’t believe it!  Then he started in on how he’s never heard of all this, that none of the other properties he’s managed have all these requirements—
ME:  To get an inspection?  Where the hell did he manage properties, Honduras?
BOB:  I don’t… nowhere in this country, I’m sure!  I looked into it some more and that house you’re in hasn’t been inspected in years.
ME:  Uh… but they bought it…
BOB:  Right.
ME:  Yikes.
BOB:  So we’re going to be very interested to get a look around.  And we’re not going to go easy on him.
ME:  Please don’t!
BOB:  So I guess I’ll see you on the third…
ME:  Oh, I’ll be here.  I’ll be the one pointing out all the shit that doesn’t work.
BOB:  Right?!
ME:  I can’t believe he walked in and put it off like that—actually, yeah I can.
BOB:  Oh!  And he tried to pay his fine too!
ME:  What fine?
BOB:  Exactly!  He hasn’t gone before a judge yet!  My guys had to tell him, the judge will assess whatever fine he has to pay.
ME:  Jesus.
BOB:  This guy is a real asshole.  I’m actually looking forward to sending him to court.

(Fresh Prince of Bel Air) Judge (Uncle Phil) gestures Will Smith closer then slaps him across the face

Maybe he’ll get a TV judge…




10 comments on “Actually, He’s a Dick

  1. Jeez well we all know they’ll condemn the house and you’ll have to move – this is scary schtuff 😳

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Starting to love Bob. Gets shit done. Good luck for the 3rd.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ya know, Bob probably knows of excellent places available that will pass inspection AND are owned by non-assholes. He probably even has a good idea of people who will make moving easier. I know you’d like to avoid moving but just keep that in mind…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve talked to him about that and the thing is, he mostly knows places that are already taken. But I’ve asked him to keep tabs on which property management companies have homes that either pass on the first inspection or actually fix their shit. Because I’m going to be looking again, one way or another, and I’d like to know which companies (I don’t want to rent from an individual, that way lies trouble) are reputable.


  4. Find a handyman that carries Thor’s hammer….. that tool will fix anything. Of course, I’m the girl that once super glued her bathing strap because she doesn’t sew, so what do I know?

    Liked by 1 person

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