If you follow me on twitter* you already know two things:
- The Meth Ghosts tried to kill me.
- Husband and I went to Ikea together. And survived.
I want to talk about that second thing, because I think it’s really impressive. We went during the 75th anniversary sale and the queue was insane, but the weirdest part for me was the number of people there talking to their friends about how they absolutely cannot experience Ikea with their significant other. Because their partner Does It Wrong.
I kept eyeballing Husband, trying to communicate through the dilation of my pupils and subtle eyelid movements that under no circumstances was he to curtail my shopping experience in order to ask, “what are we here for again?” This was a very real concern for me, because he’d never done Ikea before.
Take a moment, compose yourself.
In fact, when we were planning this trip—he kept wanting to “pop over,” randomly, in the afternoon, to “check it out and maybe grab those shelves”—I had to lay it out for him.
ME: I’m thinking we’re going to spend like a thousand dollars on this trip. So no, we’re not just gonna “pop in.”
HIM: At Ikea?!
HIM: What else do we need there besides the shelves?
ME: (blank look)
ME: I don’t understand the question.
HIM: I mean, I know they have other shelves…
ME: Oh my god. They have everything.
HIM: But you can’t eat the meatballs!
ME: (literally short circuits)
Fear not, fans of inexpensive flat-pack furniture and other well-lit sundries!
He gets it now.
ME: (stands in front of Billy/Oxberg display)
HIM: Oooh, I like this.
ME: (smug) Right?
HIM: Do you think we could do two of them? Like, combined?
ME: We can do anything you want.
HIM: (looks at price) This is a really good idea.
HIM: Next time.
ME: (internalizes happy dance, because he’s already planning Next Time)
So we went, we mocked things;** we came home, we built things.
And I’ll get to that bit in a minute, I swear. First, I had to design that thing.
ME: I haven’t been keeping track of how much this
HIM: (does out-loud math) so… $179.
ME: What? (shakes head) then we should just do the 12-drawer this way. (waves phone) It’s cheaper, the way they’ve got it configured on the site, and we get a bigger dresser.
HIM: (bobs head) Well… same size.
HIM: (points) You’ve got twelve drawers here.
ME: I mean… okay, yeah. I guess. Wow.
HIM: Did you not realize that six times two is twelve?
ME: I don’t think I did!
HIM: Okay, so what if we get two of the two-drawer and three of the—
ME: (looking up and to the right)
HIM: (waves hand in front of my face) Don’t look at the math. Just let me describe it.
ME: (wide-eyed) Oh my god, you knew that’s what I was doing!
ME: You do know me!
And then I kissed him, right there in aisle 22, bin 6.***
Believe it or not, I sat down to tell you an adorable story about our cat. My cat. Alexander Hamilton.
Because he watched us work together on that chest of drawers (I built all the drawers) and was terribly impressed with my handiwork and totally trusts that this thing is a safe thing to have in the house.
He watched me build the buffet table that’s behind the sofa now, and loves it. He stands on it whenever anyone’s at the door, and it’s his third favorite piece of furniture in the entire house.
He watched Husband build the Kallax:
which will hold our games. And…
ME: Hammies, did you see this thing Daddy made?
HIM: Oh, he watched me build it…
ME: (brings Hamilton closer to the unit)
HAMILTON: (cuddles close, cringing)
HIM: He watched from behind the sofa while I hammered the pegs in, and—
ME: You wanna get up? Wanna be on dis? (lifts Ham up)
HAMILTON: MRYAAAAAA! (claws and shrinks away from furniture)
ME: (shocked, cuddles frightened kitty)
ME: He does not trust this!
HIM: No he does not!
ME: Ham, Daddy built this!
HIM: Try again?
ME: (lifts Ham back up)
HAMILTON: (screams like I’m boiling him)
HIM: Oh my god.
ME: (cuddles Ham, takes him away from scary thing) It’s okay, sweetie! I swear it won’t fall down.
HIM: I built the dresser!
ME: I built the dresser.
HIM: You built the drawers.
ME: And as far as he’s concerned, it’s just a stack of drawers.
ME: You did a very nice job, honey.
HIM: It’s anchored to the wall!
* And really, what else would you be doing with your workday?
** Hey, it’s my brand.
*** I would really love it if this caught on, by the way. Like, either start dragging your significant other to that location in your local Ikea or just taking a selfie there. Tag me!