Shelf Stable


If you follow me on twitter* you already know two things:

  1. The Meth Ghosts tried to kill me.
  2. Husband and I went to Ikea together. And survived.



I want to talk about that second thing, because I think it’s really impressive.  We went during the 75th anniversary sale and the queue was insane, but the weirdest part for me was the number of people there talking to their friends about how they absolutely cannot experience Ikea with their significant other.  Because their partner Does It Wrong.


I kept eyeballing Husband, trying to communicate through the dilation of my pupils and subtle eyelid movements that under no circumstances was he to curtail my shopping experience in order to ask, “what are we here for again?”  This was a very real concern for me, because he’d never done Ikea before.


shocked spilling tea

I.  Know.


Take a moment, compose yourself.


In fact, when we were planning this trip—he kept wanting to “pop over,” randomly, in the afternoon, to “check it out and maybe grab those shelves”—I had to lay it out for him.



ME:  I’m thinking we’re going to spend like a thousand dollars on this trip.  So no, we’re not just gonna “pop in.”
HIM:  At Ikea?!
ME:  (nods)
HIM:  What else do we need there besides the shelves?
ME:  (blank look)
HIM:  …
ME:  I don’t understand the question.
HIM:  I mean, I know they have other shelves…
ME:  Oh my god.  They have everything.
HIM:  But you can’t eat the meatballs!
ME:  (literally short circuits)



Fear not, fans of inexpensive flat-pack furniture and other well-lit sundries!


He gets it now.



ME:  (stands in front of Billy/Oxberg display)
HIM:  Oooh, I like this.
ME:  (smug)  Right?
HIM:  Do you think we could do two of them?  Like, combined?
ME:  We can do anything you want.
HIM:  (looks at price)  This is a really good idea.
ME:  Today?
HIM:  Next time.
ME:  (internalizes happy dance, because he’s already planning Next Time)



So we went, we mocked things;** we came home, we built things.

tall black dresser with twelve drawers of varying sizes



And I’ll get to that bit in a minute, I swear.  First, I had to design that thing.



ME:  I haven’t been keeping track of how much this
HIM:  (does out-loud math)  so… $179.
ME:  What?  (shakes head)  then we should just do the 12-drawer this way.  (waves phone)  It’s cheaper, the way they’ve got it configured on the site, and we get a bigger dresser.
HIM:  (bobs head)  Well… same size.
ME:  Huh?
HIM:  (points)  You’ve got twelve drawers here.
ME:  How?
HIM:  Whpht?
ME:  I mean… okay, yeah.  I guess.  Wow.
HIM:  Did you not realize that six times two is twelve?
ME:  I don’t think I did!
HIM:  Okay, so what if we get two of the two-drawer and three of the—
ME:  (looking up and to the right)
HIM:  (waves hand in front of my face)  Don’t look at the math.  Just let me describe it.
ME:  (wide-eyed)  Oh my god, you knew that’s what I was doing!
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  You do know me!



And then I kissed him, right there in aisle 22, bin 6.***

couple making out on escalator, man behind them asks, "can I get by?"

Because boundaries are for other people, that’s why.



Believe it or not, I sat down to tell you an adorable story about our cat.  My cat.  Alexander Hamilton.


Because he watched us work together on that chest of drawers (I built all the drawers) and was terribly impressed with my handiwork and totally trusts that this thing is a safe thing to have in the house.


He watched me build the buffet table that’s behind the sofa now, and loves it.  He stands on it whenever anyone’s at the door, and it’s his third favorite piece of furniture in the entire house.


He watched Husband build the Kallax:

5x5 grid of wooden cubby squares, black.


which will hold our games.  And…



ME:  Hammies, did you see this thing Daddy made?
HIM:  Oh, he watched me build it…
ME:  (brings Hamilton closer to the unit)
HAMILTON:  (cuddles close, cringing)
HIM:  He watched from behind the sofa while I hammered the pegs in, and—
ME:  You wanna get up?  Wanna be on dis?  (lifts Ham up)
HAMILTON:  MRYAAAAAA!  (claws and shrinks away from furniture)
ME:  (shocked, cuddles frightened kitty)
HIM:  (wide-eyed)
ME:  He does not trust this!
HIM:  No he does not!
ME:  Ham, Daddy built this!
HIM:  Try again?
ME:  (lifts Ham back up)
HAMILTON:  (screams like I’m boiling him)
HIM:  Oh my god.
ME:  (cuddles Ham, takes him away from scary thing)  It’s okay, sweetie!  I swear it won’t fall down.
HIM:  I built the dresser!
ME:  I built the dresser.
HIM:  You built the drawers.
ME:  And as far as he’s concerned, it’s just a stack of drawers.
HIM:  …
ME:  …
ME:  You did a very nice job, honey.
HIM:  It’s anchored to the wall!


scared tabby cat hiding under couch

No, it’s okay… You go stand next to the Death Wall.  I’ll just check out this area.





* And really, what else would you be doing with your workday?

** Hey, it’s my brand.

*** I would really love it if this caught on, by the way.  Like, either start dragging your significant other to that location in your local Ikea or just taking a selfie there.  Tag me!




26 comments on “Shelf Stable

  1. Jen says:

    Poor Alexander. He looks absolutely traumatized. Give him extra love for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sunny says:

    I am also one of those people that have never been to an IKEA. Probably because the closest one is over 3 hours away. It sounds…glorious.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. sarah9188 says:

    I’ve never been to IKEA before, but as my husband has a MASSIVE collection of games, I now want that Kallax thing. I also know that I’d spend all my money and then some at IKEA if there were one within a few hours of us. So maybe it’s a good thing we live so far away. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ikea seems like such a magical place! I wish we had one close by. For no other reason than to take that selfie 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I love ikea. One of the places you don’t just come out with things (though I always come out with things) but ideas.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. So, I hate to admit this and look like a Newb, but I’ve never been to Ikea with my husband. Hell… get your stones ready for throwing… I’ve never been to Ikea, period. In my defense, the nearest one is over 4 hours away, but after reading this….we may have to pack a lunch and go.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Allison says:

    I am very curious what your scientifically minded husband thinks threw the knife if it was not meth-ghosts. Also, WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE???? One of the problems I have with horror movies is the people who are like, “Oh, here are eleventy thousand signs there’s an axe-murderer/poltergeist/supernatural psychopath in that house. I’ll just live there then!”. Moving sucks, but I have to think it’s better than knife-throwing meth ghosts??? Or you could just leave your stuff and start over with new stuff from IKEA!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Honestly? We spent $12k+ getting moved in here, to this haunted fucking death trap, and don’t have funds to do it immediately again. Yes, an in-town is cheaper, but still not free. And the cost of breaking our lease while paying on a new place… we just don’t have it. So we have to figure out a way to make this place livable, Meth Ghosts and all. I know, I used to watch movies like Amityville and wonder what the fuck was wrong with those people. Now I get it: where did they live after they ran away from the murder house?

      I have no idea what Husband thinks is going on. He mocks the Meth Ghosts, but offers no alternate theories other than, “I can see you’re upset.”


      • Allison says:

        Blech, totally understand being stuck for that reason. Maybe you should start a “Help me not be murdered by meth-ghosts” Go Fundme? I’d donate!

        *lol* Well, he is an engineer. Logical. Methodical. So if he’s discarded any other explanation as not technically possible (which is why he doesn’t have an alternative), tell him “Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains HOWEVER IMPROBABLE, must be the truth.”

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Evaine says:

    Maybe they’re not meth ghosts? Maybe they’re poltergeists who know how dangerous your house is and are trying to scare you away before you actually get hurt. So like, public service poltergeists.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Not many other shops provide you with such a variety of seating options in this season’s colour palette on which to rest whilst shopping. Also a great place to people watch. I’m taking you up on the suggestion to stalk you on Twitter……. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Arionis says:

    They are currently building an IKEA here. I drove by the construction site the other day and saw a bunch of people looking at a big unfolded set of directions and one of them had a HUGE allen wrench.

    Liked by 1 person

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