It’s time for y’all to get to know me better.
Things you already knew:
- My name is Chase
- I married an Engineer
- I don’t have a zoo yet, but I really want one
- My favorite color is glitter
Things you didn’t know:
- I have a mild chocolate allergy. Basically, it only keeps me from killing myself with a chocolate overdose. Also, dark chocolate burns my throat.
- I’ve never learned how to do this “budget” thing—I’m sure it’s an important adulting skill, I just don’t have it.
- I drink water all day long (important) but I have to flavor it like sweet tea or I would literally die of dehydration.
- I can make a meal of some drama. Petty, I know, but sometimes it’s just too damned good.
Like the Inspection, for instance.
Oh yes, that happened! Lemme walk ya through it:
I opened the door to find Scott standing there beaming at me like he was my buddy in all this instead of the leading contender for World’s Biggest Fuckup, but I still let him in along with the inspectors—Bob and the other one, whom we will call Bee because she was dressed all in yellow and kept buzzing around and also I don’t remember her name but I’m pretty sure it started with a B. The point is, Bee is afraid of dogs (so sad! Isn’t that sad? Ooh, I get so mad at the humans who let that happen whenever I hear about people who grew up afraid of dogs) so we had to do some fancy maneuvering to keep mine always in a part of the house Bob and Bee weren’t inspecting.
And by the time I got back from securing the dogs in their first room…
BOB: (pointing) Okay, so that fails inspection.
SCOTT: (looking up from his phone) Huh?
BOB: The deadbolt.
BEE: Yeah, you can’t have that. Those are illegal.
SCOTT: (totally floored that the house won’t just pass with flying colors) …What’s wrong with it?
ME: You need a key to get out.
SCOTT: They need egress.
BEE: In case of fire—
ME: The one on the side door is the same.
SCOTT: (glares at me)
BEE: There’s one on the side door too? (to Bob) Write that down.
BOB: They need egress. With this on there, you could lock someone in this house and they couldn’t get out. I mean, there’s the back door there (looks over at big sliding glass door)
ME: (gleefully) Oh, that doesn’t open.*
SCOTT: It doesn’t open?
ME: (sweetly) I told you that the day we moved in. And I put in all those maintenance reports, remember?
SCOTT: (prays for my immediate death)
BOB & BEE: (discover the broken fan in kitchen)
BEE: (to Bob) Write that down.
SCOTT: (to me) So what’s new? Been doing anything fun lately?
ME: Oh, you know. Just settling in. (to Bob and Bee) Yeah, and that light doesn’t work and this switch doesn’t do anything.
BEE: (to Bob) Write that down.
SCOTT: (begins to sweat)
ME: (beaming) Can I show you the outlets that don’t work?
BEE: You got outlets that don’t work?
ME: Oh yeah.
SCOTT: (gives up, goes to play with his phone)
By the time we got done with the inside (doors and windows that don’t open, floors that are buckling, it was quite the list) Scott was clearly Over It and had to be roused from his position at my desk** to join us outside.
Where he uttered the second stupidest thing I’ve ever heard come out of someone’s mouth.
BEE: Oooh, I see dead trees! Write that down
BOB: (nodding) Two dead trees…
ME: They’re all dead, actually.
BOB: Right, both of them—
ME: No, there are—
BOB: (continuing around the corner) Oh I see! There are three, Bee!
BEE: (shakes head, disappointed)
BOB: (making note) Dead trees… must be… removed…
SCOTT: (catching up) What are we looking at?
BOB: These dead trees here.
BEE: These have to be removed.
BOB: It’s not safe.
SCOTT: (defensively) How do you know they’re dead?
US: (turn to stare)
SCOTT: (returns stare of earnest confusion)
BOB & BEE: (continue inspection)
ME: Because… we can see them?
ME: See how all the other trees are green? Because it’s summer in Missouri? See how these ones… aren’t?
SCOTT: (peers at trees accusingly, as though they shed their leaves yesterday just to spite him)
ME: (catches up with Bob and Bee, who have just discovered another gap in the fence)
Bob said he’d never seen anything like it. In total they found over twenty items that needed to be fixed before the next inspection.
Were we being a little nit-picky? Sure, maybe. Did Scott—the asshole who couldn’t even be arsed to schedule this inspection inside the timeframe he was given to pass one—deserve it?
You be the judge.
SCOTT: Okay, cool. Bye! (waves and leaves like he’s not in a fuckton of trouble)
ME: That guy…
BOB: He is such a weasel!
BEE: He’s an asshole.
BOB: (to me) I’m just glad you were here today.
ME: (smiling) You know I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
SCOTT: Yeah, but he was trying to get in without knocking.
ME: (misplaces smile) He what.
BEE: (nods) Mm-hmm
BOB: Yeah, I was here waiting for him when he pulled up and he was saying he was sure you weren’t home—
ME: Of course I was!
BOB: Right, but he was saying it was fine because he would just get the key out of the lock box.
ME: (frozen) The what now.
BOB: He said there’s a lock box and he went to get a key out of it to just let us in—and I was saying you were home and we should just knock but then he was over your fence and looking for the key—
ME: I will fucking murder him and send the pieces to his family.
BEE: I didn’t hear nothin’
BOB: But I guess the key isn’t in there, and he said he forgot to bring one from the office so he couldn’t let us in.
ME: But I. Was. Home!
BOB: Right. Which is what I told him and that’s why I made him go knock.
ME: (chilled) I can’t believe he was just going to break into my house!
BEE: Mmmm… Bob, come look at this. Does it look like this gutter is loose to you?
BOB: I thought we got all of them…
BEE: Write that down.
* That door has a latch on the outside too. So you can totally lock someone in this house and light it on fire. Which means:
- This house was built by someone who learned from playing The Sims;
- I know have a better idea how the Meth Ghosts died.
** I have feelings about that, by the way. There were other places to sit. Or he could just stand there, like an idiot. But you don’t plunk your ass down at someone else’s desk. You just don’t!