Actual Conversations With Great British Bakers


I have a bone to pick with whomever recommended The Great British Baking Show as soothing, low-stakes programming.  So basically, the entire internet.


It probably didn’t help that I started my binge during a particularly vicious migraine, being—for once—in no mood for the brooding glances of Colin Sodding Firth, or my beloved Audrey Hepburn’s struggle to find herself and maybe a name for the cat.   Turns out when I’ve got a migraine I need gentle, low-stakes, and familiar.


Otherwise I end up on the couch—in full noodle mode from a combination of Percocet and migraine meds—talking to the bakers.  Like they can hear me.


woman lounging on couch angrily gestures toward camera (the tv) yelling


CONTESTANT:  So what I do is, I score the sponge before I roll it—
ME:  Bad idea, hoss.
CONTESTANT:  … and that keeps it from cracking.
ME:  No it won’t.  Stop.  Stop that!  You’re ruining it!
JUDGE:  (cutting into swiss roll)  It’s not a very nice roll, is it?
JUDGE:  It’s more a series of folds, see?
CONTESTANT:  Yeah, I don’t know what happened there.
ME:  Well, let’s see.  You did the thing I said not to do, obvi.  So you started with a pre-ruined cake and then you cocked it up because you’re Mr. Knows-it-all.
CONTESTANT:  (ignores me, like an asshole)

(Friends) frustrated Rachel yelling "You idiot!"


CONTESTANT:  I’m going to save a little time on this by softening the butter and just brushing it on—
ME:  Nope.  You can’t do that.  It’ll melt in.  Don’t do it!
CONTESTANT:  Oh, it’s all doughy… why’d it to that?
ME:  Because you melted it—why don’t you ever listen?!



And then my poor husband comes home and I have to explain.  Which, as you can imagine, does nothing whatsoever to help the state of my poor murderous head because I start with the bit about a woman who looks for all the world like someone’s sweet old granny sabotaging her competitor’s ice cream.  And I can’t possibly tell that story at anything less than top volume. 


(Community) Troy on his knees in theatre, sobbing, "my emotions!"



I’ve tried.



10 comments on “Actual Conversations With Great British Bakers

  1. Losing the Plot says:

    I remember the Ice cream gate scandal , despicable 😂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Having never seen the Great British Baking Show, I now feel like I’m missing out on some riveting drama. Will grandma melt her competitor’s ice cream? Will her rival unroll the sponge cake in revenge? I’m on the edge of my virtual seat.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. rachaelstray says:

    I love Bake Off! Just enjoy it!!
    Rachael |


  4. To be fair, the ice cream owner put his ice cream in someone else’s freezer which would have kept the two that were already in there from freezing. And I got the feeling the woman didn’t intentionally leave it out as much as put it off to the side and then completely forget about it. (Yes, I had feelings about this episode as well.)

    But yeah, that was the “meanest” anyone got on the season I watched, for which I was grateful. I felt so much more invested in that show than any of the movies I’ve watched in the last ten years. I just couldn’t face seeing a whole new batch of people failing at things so I didn’t watch the next season.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Tan says:

    I love watching that show! My sister and I watch it and discuss who’s going to make it to the finals and who’s not. Also who’s going to crack first. When that one guy walked away we were stunned! Didn’t see that coming.

    Liked by 1 person

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