Dear Missouri,


What did I ever do to you?  Yes, fine, I mock everything that crosses my path and a lesser state might assume* when I move in that it’s only a matter of time.  But so far I’m finding your people delightful, your greenery lush, yet varied and thus not oppressive, (I’m looking at you, pacific northwest) and your food worth crowing about.  Sure, the cheese is… questionable… but it’s easy enough to avoid and thus I’ve not said one unkind word even though I’ve been warned about terrible taxes, can’t get on a plane with my new driver’s license, and everything has taken longer than it should have because of your weird bureaucracies and local customs. 


Side note: this house has no toilet paper holders.  When I pointed it out to Scott (when he came by to do the paperwork on our first day) he said, “here in Missouri we like to hold our paper products, keep ‘em safe.”  Now, I know, and y’all know, that he was full of shit and making excuses for why this janky-ass haunted house doesn’t have a proper place to set your toilet paper roll (there are also no towel bars, in case you’re curious) but he said it with such sincerity, and with such an easy gesture—as though he were cuddling his toilet paper—that for a moment I did wonder.


But back to you, Missouri.  What is your deal?  How the fuck long is your summer?


outdoor changeable letter sign reads, "Satan called. He wants his weather back."


Serious question, because I’m starting at my new (squee!) haunted house soon and would really not like to die of heat stroke in my costume.  We can’t be having with these 80-90 degree days** while I’m wearing all those layers and maybe a mask and running around in a cramped, poorly ventilated building.  People will be passing out from my BO before we get a chance to scare them!


Plus?  Your choice in weather patterns makes it all the weirder that Husband keeps trying to steal covers.


HIM:  (tucking me)  When I come back to bed, (yanks on covers)  I’m going to want some of these.
ME:  What for?
HIM:  (gapes)
ME:  You sleep next to this. (gestures grandly at self)  That should keep you plenty warm.
HIM:  Yes.  (tugs)  It should.  (smoothes blanket)
ME:  (gasps)  Mean!
HIM:  But this (flaps hands in my direction) has no bloods!  (leaves)
ME:  That hurts!  I mean, it’s true… but still.  You know, there’s a REASON THEY SAY THE TRUTH HURTS!


(New Girl) Jess scolds, "You're being mean."







* You know what they say when you assume…

** That’s Fahrenheit, for non-Americans.  Roughly translates into 26-33 Celsius or 300-305 Kelvin.  Add in the humidemies and it’s too bloody warm, at least for this late in the year.



19 comments on “Dear Missouri,

  1. Ah, yes. Southern autumn…. I remember it well. Not fondly mind you, but the dripping sweat and spirit sucking humidity? It tends to stay with you for years to come. Hot as balls sums it quite well. Have fun with that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Cat B says:

    It’s still in the 100°+ temps in AZ, and the monsoon humidity is still hanging on. 🙁 On the plus side, the cold water tap isn’t scalding hot water anymore. (It’s still warm water, but it won’t burn your hands anymore)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. jen7iris says:

    Ugh…I know, it’s the WORST. The weather here is my least favorite thing about it. I just said to someone that I was mowing my grass last week on a day that had a high of 97 degrees (because my neighbors may have reported me to the city if I let it go much longer in avoidance) and was so annoyed that it was that hot in SEPTEMBER! I want the nice, crisp 50s already. Or even some lovely 60s. Anything but all this 80 and 90 degree weather. But I’m usually ready for winter again by about the time we’re a month into summer.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m with you. Fall is my favorite season, so I’m feeling robbed. Like, on a personal level.

      Plus, there’s something weird about the lawn still growing this crazy fast in September! We shouldn’t have to mow again until after Halloween, which—according to my personal, One True and Accurate Schedule—will be the last mow until spring.


      • jen7iris says:

        Me too. Today the cooler air smelled like fall and I felt a tiny sliver of hope. Except I still see 80s in the forecast, so my hope didn’t last long.

        Also, I hope someone has filled you in on the Halloween customs around here. At least, I had never seen these things before. Although, if you’re working at a Haunted House, I’m guessing you won’t be home for Trick-Or-Treaters anyway. But just in case…most people around here expect the kids to tell a joke before they get candy. Or will at least ask them if they have one to tell. I haven’t seen anyone deny candy to a jokeless child. But maybe I hang with the nice peeps. And most kids will have one prepared. I’ve heard some pretty good ones. The other thing I’ve seen a lot here is that people will put a portable fire pit in their front yard and all the adults who aren’t trick-or-treating with their own kids will gather around the fire pits to hand out candy (and usually drink beer) around the fire. Kind of fun to see the yards in the neighborhoods filled with little groups like this. I usually go to some friends’ home since their neighborhood is one of the best for this.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. lawgirljenn says:

    It’s awful here in STL. Still hot. Still humid as fuck. Autumn weather doesn’t normally start until late October. If even. It wasn’t always this way…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Jae says:

    We were easing right down into a beautiful fall, and I let my guard down for a second, a SECOND, and now we’re in the 90s. Thanks for the smile.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m South Australian and usually have to deal with a few 40-45 degree (Celcius. 105 -113 Fahrenheit?) heatwaves every summer. And it’s kind of an Australian cultural thing to laugh at other people’s heatwaves, but I try really hard not to because temperature is relative and humidity can made a big difference especially when you have to do stuff (I got married in 33 C degree heat and stupid levels of humidity) and the lawn keeps growing and you don’t have air con. And also I am very aware that I would keel over in a mild chill.

    So you have my commiserations and I hope the weather plays ball soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Humidity makes such a difference. Like, I know I endured (enjoyed, even!) hotter days in Colorado, which is high desert. Never fazed me. But even 70 (F) is enough to have me bolted indoors with the AC if the humidemies are out.

      And yet? I will straight up knife the next motherfucker who says, out loud, “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.” WE ALL KNOW IT’S THE HUMIDITY, GARY!

      Liked by 2 people

      • Jae says:

        My stepdad’s name is Gary, and he loves to say that. o.O I feel like if you’re going to offer your skills as a ninja, we should work out compensation? I’d settle for a tremendous scare, and in exchange, I’ll provide pie and coffee?

        Liked by 1 person

        • Wait… is that instead of the knifing? Because the knifing is gratis—I’m doing that for me. But if you want me to scare you, that’s totally a service I provide—this is the month I’m a professional scare-er, don’t you know—and there’s not much I won’t do for pie.


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