Or “Buying Stuff”

 

It is a fact universally acknowledged that husbands—not men, mind you, but husbands, who must hold purses and sit in designated creepy chairs or husband playpens—hate shopping.

 

 

Husband contends that the actual issue is that he sees no reason to shop, ever; I shop, he claims, while he buys things.

 

But, whatever the reason—and I’m sure we can agree it can’t possibly be anything to do with my sunny self—I’ve begun to suspect he’s particularly reluctant to shop with me.

 

 

(Princess Bride) Vizzini shouts, "Inconceivable!"

 

I know, right?  But here, have a look at this.  We were buying containers at Target—among the many problems I have in this house, there’s  an appalling lack of native storage.

 

 

ME:  (pointing)  I need one of these and one of these and one of those.
HIM:  So you’re complicating the shit out of everything.  Got it.  I’m gonna go get a cart.
ME:  Cool.
HIM:  (leaves)
ME:  (considers)  Also, I decided I need two of these!

(enter: a new couple, also come to debate containers.  They are FASCINATING)

SHE:  We could get one of these, or a couple of those…
HE:  Nah, we just need this.
SHE:  You think?
ME:  (observes silently, says nothing about the return trip they’re going to have to make)
HIM:  (returns with cart)
ME:  Look!  I stacked them for you!
HIM:  Uh huh.  So what are these for?
ME:  This one is for the shoes that still need to be repaired but aren’t urgent or anything.  This one is for purses.  This one is for tote bags.  And this one—
HIM:  Why do we need wheels?
ME:  So it can slide out, duh.
HIM:  You know this won’t fit under our bed, right?
ME:  Why would you say that?!
HIM:  … Because it won’t?
ME:  Why would you think it won’t?
HIM:  Beeecause… of our bed?
ME:  (glares)
HIM:  We can get it.  And if I’m wrong…
ME:  ?
HIM:  I’ll… be really happy that I was proven wrong.
ME:  Then we’ll both be happy.
HIM:  Yup.
ME:  Except…
HIM:  (turns to leave)
ME:  Why do I get the feeling only one of us is going to be happy?  Because maybe you SECRETLY WANT TO BE RIGHT?
HIM:  (keeps going)
ME:  (to other woman)  Never let him stifle your dreams!

(Brooklyn 99) female police officer shouts at other female officer, "I believe in you!" as she passes by in the station

 

They got in our checkout line too.  He is NOT a fan of my work.

 

 

Now that I think it through, maybe it’s not shopping with me Husband dislikes.  Maybe it’s shopping with me in public.  Which, I mean… yeah.  Shopping is done in public.  Unless you know the secrets of online shopping, which aren’t secret but must be because otherwise why are stores so crowded when the option to do the same thing but in your underwear is totally a thing?

 

Anyway, maybe he’s just tired of dealing with the looks from other husbands who (foolishly!  This awesome cannot be contained!) expect him to exert more or better control over me.  Like this one time, I think it was last weekend, when we were leaving Costco.  It was—as I’ve mentioned recently—hotter than Satan’s own curry and the humidemies were ravenous.

 

 

ME:  (pushing cart)  (stops)  Oh my god, it’s too hot I can’t it’s like a billion degrees I can’t even move.  No.  I can’t.  Go on without me.  Save yourself.  Tell my story!
HIM:  (grabs cart)  Honey, you’re blocking people.
STRANGE WOMAN:  (nods at my hysterics in perfect understanding)
STRANGE HUSBAND:  (looks at Husband in discreet sympathy)
ME:  (following now)  This is how I DIE.  Also, I think we parked over there.  (points)
HIM:  (reaches back to keep me on-course)  No, we didn’t.  I’m a man.  I push the cart and remember where we parked.

 

woman searching through PACKED parking lot

I am convinced this is an actual superpower.

 

 

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14 comments on “Or “Buying Stuff”

  1. Losing the Plot says:

    Mine is taking the piss at the moment. I’ve to wait on him while he has his hair done (???) I haven’t had breakfast yet, only one coffee, and he’s fekkin off early today to go carp fishing.

    I am re-evaluating

    Liked by 2 people

  2. So did they fit under your bed?

    My husband is always “backseat driving” while I steer the cart because he just knows I’m going to run into to someone. 🙄

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Jack Herlocker says:

    I am a buyer, not a shopper, who married a buyer who hates shopping (except with her bff in excursions that I suspect are not actually about shopping). I sit in my husband chair in the store happy and content with her purse and jacket while she tries on stuff, most of which will come back from the changing room still on hangers, because I know I will be there the minimum amount of time and I will not have the cleaners vacuuming around me while the last clerk shoots killing glances my way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s not like I say to him, “let’s go shopping!” as if that’s the whole activity and I have no idea what I want to buy or even if I’m going to buy anything. It’s always, “I know I need some containers and an organizer of some kind to sort out that situation with my lip products so let’s hit the container store and also Target.” Or whatever. But I still need to make decisions once I see the available options.
      And while we’re there…

      Look, if it wasn’t for my “aimless wandering,” we wouldn’t have half the cool shit we have, okay?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I. Do. Not. Shop. With. My. Husband.
    Period, underlined, not in italics. Nope, we wouldn’t have stayed married this long if it included weekly trips to the store. He does not understand the concept of browsing and never will.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Husband doesn’t take me grocery shopping. Same reason. This is why our grocery budget is manageable, but also why we almost never have random items like chocolate covered potato chips or Cracker Jacks (they still sell those!) or a just-in-case piñata.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Ha! A just-in-case piñata would be better than the cupboard full of exotic mustards, basting sauces and pickled vegetables my husband is always buying but never eats. You never know when a candy craving may hit… or the urge to whack something with a bat. Can’t do that with mustard.

        Liked by 2 people

  5. Arionis says:

    I’m not a browser. I go in, get what I came for, pay for it, and leave. The only place I ever liked to browse was Blockbuster Video. There is only one of those stores left and it’s in Alaska, so yeah. You’ve probably seen this before but it pretty much sums it up…

    Liked by 2 people

    • In our defense, we also make fewer return trips (having taken the time to check ’round and make sure we don’t need anything else from that place.)

      Also, be grateful for all those detours. That’s how we got inspired to totally change up the home decor theme/your diet/the family philosophy and found your next 57 gifts.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Allison says:

    I’m almost always the one who says, “Yeah, we’re DONE. Let’s GO.” I don’t mind shopping together but I have way less patience than he does. *lol*

    My husband went shopping by himself last week and called me to discuss 3 different “should I buy it or not” things he’d found. Once I’d added my input (“if you want them, then buy them”) he said, “I think I need to get out of here. It’s too…. Target-y.” I understood perfectly.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Husband will occasionally text me a photo of something he finds, which I’m meant to 1) see immediately; 2) understand to mean, “should I get this?” 3) reply to in the affirmative while he’s still standing there or never possess this thing. Because he will not go back. Ever.

      Like

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