Venom: My Favorite DELETED SCENES

 

Did anyone else see Venom this week?  I mean, some of you probably saw it last weekend, but I was busy making children cry and getting yelled at by their parents (that’s a whole ‘nother post) so I had to do it on a weeknight. 

 

Venom promo image, showing the oil-slick monster all drippy fangs and long pointy tongue next to his name in mist

 

Since I know you’ll ask, here are my notes:

 

  • My favorite part of a Spiderman movie is the part where there’s no spidersmen.
  • Riz Ahmed 1000% copied his character from this episode of Doctor Who.
  • The only likeable character in this movie was a parasitic alien, but I really liked him so it sort of balanced out.
  • Tom Hardy has been in a lot of things.  I know this because he’s totally recognizable every time.
  • I would like to thank Sony Pictures Entertainment for making an entire movie just so I could write more deleted scenes.  Now please, sell all this shit back to Marvel.  * 

 

Venom snarling at Sony logo, spittle flying and tongue lashing

 

 

EVIL GENIUS:  Did we gather up all the space parasites?
SECURITY:  All but one, sir.
EVIL GENIUS:  Excellent.  Get them to the lab, STAT!
SECURITY:  Roger that.  Um… sir?
EVIL GENIUS:  Hmm?
SECURITY:  Are we at all worried about the parasitic alien that escaped?
EVIL GENIUS:  Nah.  Why would we?
SECURITY:  It just… seems like that’s the sort of thing that could become a problem.
EVIL GENIUS:  Isn’t that what Spiderman is for?
SECURITY:  Uh…
DIRECTOR:  We can edit that out—keep going!
EVIL GENIUS:  What’s wrong?
SECURITY:  He’s not actually in this one, sir.
EVIL GENIUS:  What, seriously?
SECURITY:  It’s a licensing thing.
(Venom) Carlton Drake (Riz Ahmed) standing in front of a white wall with a giant screen displaying maps

 

 

NERDY HENCHMAN:  Aren’t you Eddie Brock?  That reporter who’s going to save the world with his in-your-face style and give-no-fucks motorcycle?
EDDIE:  Yeah, I don’t do that anymore.  
NERDY HENCHMAN:  Oh, you outgrew the motorcycle?
EDDIE:  What?  Hell no, motorcycles are cool!  I just don’t do that save the world gig anymore.
NERDY HENCHMAN:  Oh?  What’s your new thing.
EDDIE:  Day drinking.
NERDY HENCHMAN:  …
EDDIE:  …
NERDY HENCHMAN:  What’s that pay?
EDDIE:  About the same, actually.
NERDY HENCHMAN:  Uh-huh… okay, listen.  It says in the script you’re gonna get over yourself at some point.  When you do, call me.  (hands Eddie business card)
EDDIE:  Like, for a date?  You want a ride on my motorcycle?
NERDY HENCHMAN:  (storms off)  I can’t believe I gave my last card to fucking Mad Max.  THEY MAKE US BUY OUR OWN, YOU KNOW!

(Venom) Eddie Brock (Tom Hardy) speaks covertly with a woman in a small convenience store wedged between the ice and the marshmallow fluff

 

 

EDDIE:  Okay, if we’re going to be sharing a body, we need some rules.
VENOM:  HUNGRY.
EDDIE:  Right.  Rule number one: no eating people.
VENOM:  I DO NOT AGREE.
EDDIE:  Rule number two: I make the rules because I am in charge.
VENOM:  I DO NOT AGREE.
EDDIE:  Rule number three: if you’re going to be in my head, you’re not allowed to keep secrets from me. 
VENOM:  I DO NOT AGREE.
EDDIE:  And no more mentioning other movies!  Respect the fourth wall.
VENOM:  I DO NOT AGREE.
REQUISITE HOT BLONDE:  Are we even going to talk about the fact that it’s doing a Bane voice?
EDDIE:  See, this is what I’m talking about!
REQUISITE HOT BLONDE:  I’m not wrong.
VENOM:  I LIKE HER.

(Venom) Eddie and Anne (Tom Hardy and Michelle Williams) face each other on a San Francisco sidewalk at night, talking

 

 

EDDIE:  Okay, let me get this straight.  You live in space.  You need a host to survive on this planet.  And your “plan” was to come here, take hosts, and… what?  Eat all the people?
VENOM:  THIS IS GOOD PLAN.
EDDIE:  No, that is stupid plan.  Like, how would that even… I mean, at the very least it’s an inefficient plan.  You see that, right?
VENOM:  …
EDDIE:  Please tell me this isn’t the whole plot.
VENOM:  I ALSO LIKE TATER TOTS.

(Venom) Eddie Brock (Tom Hardy) leans away from what looks like a monster comprised entirely of oil slick, fangs, and eyes. Venom grins (having so many teeth and only so much mouth, he really has no other choice)

 

 

EVIL GENIUS:  So we’ve got limited success with animal testing, then?
NORMAL SCIENTIST:  Well, we had one that didn’t die right away; I’m not sure—
EVIL GENIUS:  Sounds like it’s time to move on to the next phase!
NORMAL SCIENTIST:  … re-evaluate our test protocols?
EVIL GENIUS:  (shocked)  No!  Why would we do that?  No, the other thing.
NORMAL SCIENTIST:  … More testing?
EVIL GENIUS:  No, the really evil thing!
NORMAL SCIENTIST:  I’m not really—
EVIL GENIUS:  Let’s round up a bunch of sick people and see if it kills them!
NORMAL SCIENTIST:  That’s… not… Why would we do that again?
EVIL GENIUS:  Because I’m evil and impatient!
NORMAL SCIENTIST:  Okay, but you’re like 14 and already “invented” literally all the Stark technology.  I’m still not clear on how we didn’t get sued—
EVIL GENIUS:  Which is why I’m branching out into evil!  How are you not getting this?
NORMAL SCIENTIST:  Riiiiight.  You do that, I’m gonna go update my résumé.

(Venom) Carlton Drake (Riz Ahmed) faces camera, with a pack of white-coated "scientists" at his back

 

 

 

EDDIE:  EvilCorp is after me and I don’t know what to do!
HANDSOME DOCTOR:  Well step one is to get rid of that parasite
VENOM:  PARASITE?!?!.
EDDIE:  (shushing gesture)  Nuh-nuh-uh.  He doesn’t like the P-word.
REQUISITE HOT BLONDE:  Well what the hell are we supposed to call it, Eddie?
EDDIE:  His name is Venom.
RHB & HD:  (share a look)
REQUISITE HOT BLONDE:  Venom?
HANDSOME DOCTOR:  Really?
REQUISITE HOT BLONDE:  You don’t think it’s a little odd—
HANDSOME DOCTOR:  That his name is in English?
REQUISITE HOT BLONDE:  And such an obvious attempt at…
HANDSOME DOCTOR:  Well let’s just say it: a sophomoric display of machismo.
VENOM:  I AM VENOM.
EDDIE:  He says that’s his name.  (rolls eyes)
VENOM:  WHAT WAS THAT?
EDDIE:  Nothing!
VENOM:  OH, WHATEVER.  HEATHCLIFF.
EDDIE:  How in the hell do you know about that?!
VENOM:  I AM INSIDE YOUR HEAD, DUMBASS.
EDDIE:  Okay, but—
VENOM:  I AM INSIDE YOUR HEAD AND I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND INCEPTION.  WHAT THE SHIT WAS THAT?
EDDIE:  Can we stay on topic here?
HANDSOME DOCTOR:  No, he has a point.  I’d like an explanation, please.

(Venom) Eddie (Tom Hardy) faces off against Anne (Michelle Williams) and a doctor in a hospital lab; an MRI machine is in the background,

 

 

 

* When did I become a person who cares so much about comic book movies?  Me from high school would like to know exactly where on the personal timeline she needs to go to beat herself up.

 

 

 

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5 comments on “Venom: My Favorite DELETED SCENES

  1. I now feel fully satisfied and have no need to see the real movie, so thanks for saving me the outrageous popcorn fees.
    Of course I’m probably the only person on the planet who really liked Inception so make of that what you will…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jae says:

    Is it worth a matinee, do you think?

    Liked by 1 person

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