Locked Out: A Love Story (with monsters)


This blog—as you’ll have noticed from the title and the other posts and basically everything—is about the conversations with my husband.  I like him, he likes me, we spend time together and we talk. 




This is the time of year all that changes; my haunt is in full swing and we’re now on opposite schedules (highly recommended for couples who secretly hate each other, btw).  Thus I present to you: Actual Texts From My Husband, including Conversations With Various Zombies, Clowns, And At Least One Demon.



Text conversation: he says, "guess I just missed you" and I reply, "awww... I miss you too!"



DEATH:  Your husband?
ME:  Yeah.  I guess he got in just as I was leaving.


Text conversation: "I just stepped outside to go buy lightbulbs and locked the door behind me. Then I realized I don't have my keys" I reply, "that's a problem" and he responds, "Yat think?"




ME:  (laughs)
ME:  All those times I asked him—I ask him every time
CREEPY DOLL:  What did he do?
ME:  Locked himself out of the house.
GRIM SPECTRE:  (laughs)
ME:  Every time we leave I ask him, “do you have your keys?”
DEVOURER OF INFANTS:  They never listen.
ME:  And every time he gives me this look.  Like, duh.  But now he’s locked out and I’m here…



Text conversation: he says, "went around back, all doors are locked" and I reply, "Yeah, I keep the house locked up. Maybe try a window?"




FILTHY CLOWN:  (peering over my shoulder)  You keep your windows open?
ME:  (leans awayNO.  But I don’t know what else to tell him.  I’m not a locksmith.


String of texts: Nope, all windows are secure. I guess I'm gonna walk to CVS or something but I don't have a coat and will need help. Ok. I can take a bus down to you and back? With your keys? No, I don't have cash. And it's cold. Picked up my prescriptions though. I'm sitting in the yard, waiting to be let back in. I assume by the silence that your phone is off and you're working and might not even see this until the end of the night, unless you get a break. And I know that you're riding with someone else, I understand. But the dogs want to be let out to pee (they can wait, I let them out when I got home) and I would like to be let IN to pee. I'm very cold. Hamilton wants to help so bad.



ME:  (shows texts to cultist)  Didn’t I tell you he’s the sweetest cat?
CULTIST:  Awww!  But… why hasn’t he called a locksmith?
ME:  …
ME:  … He’s an engineer.
ME:  He’s an actual genius.
CULTIST:  Some people put all their points into intelligence and none into wisdom.
ME:  (nods)


Text conversation: I send, "leaving soon, will come straight home (no stopping for food)" and he says TY; I send, "On our way now" and he replies, "I moved out to the driveway when I got tired of trying to show Ham and the dogs how to open the door latch."




ME:  (lets Husband into house)
HIM:  Thank you!
ME:  Okay, but I’m still hungry.
HIM:  Need to get warm (grabs spare blankets, piles them on bed)
ME:  (tilts head)  Did you eat dinner before your little adventure?
HIM:  (miserablyNO.
ME:  So… aren’t you hungry?
HIM:  (miserable and muffled by blankets)  yes.
ME:  So… come with me and we’ll grab drive thru.  It’ll be quick and I’ll blast the heater.
HIM:  (whimpers)
ME:  C’mon.  You’ll warm up quick and then you’ll just be hungry.
HIM:  Okay, but first I want to pee inside.
ME:  (nods)
HIM:  (gets up)
ME:  Wait… did you pee outsi—
HIM:  (slamming bathroom doorI DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!




26 comments on “Locked Out: A Love Story (with monsters)

  1. JenS says:

    Aww your poor Husband. I am serious, that would totally suck. I can see the panic where your brain would not think to call the locksmith but I’m wondering why you didn’t tell him to call a locksmith. You know the genius brain needs extra help sometimes. 😥

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Jeffy says:

    Yeah, my hubby locked himself out once, while I was at a Girl’s weekend away. He called me when I was at a boozy lunch and asked me to drive my keys home. Yeah. No.
    We compromised on him getting a taxi to the house I was staying, after we’d finished lunch, and me paying for said taxi so he could take the car and the keys home.
    The cats were also useless with opening the doors for him.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Medway Gal says:

    This is when having that spare key hidden in the garden would have come in useful, or perhaps he could have talked the meth ghosts into opening the door ?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry, but I always ask my husband if he has the keys, and he always looks put out like I think he’s stupid… so when he locks himself out? I laugh like hell. Cold or not.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Victor K says:

    One of the rules of life: Learn how to break into your own house. I spent a couple of days figuring it out when I was seven, and it remains something I do in the first week when I move. Admittedly harder to do in a rental property, since you don’t want to risk breaking anything.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Jack Herlocker says:

    Lesson that I learned at a young age: Find something you always have with you, and put a spare key in it. Me, I always have my wallet (with a holder for a spare key) but there are also phone cases with key holders.
    ALSO: if you need to pee outside, pee in a gopher or chipmunk hole. Assuming you want them out of your yard. They hate the smell of carnivore urine and will abandon the burrow. (Or just dig another entrance, in the case of our groundhog.) Might not work if you’re vegetarian.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I keep meaning to do one of those (the hide-a-keys, not the peeing on chipmunks… that’s just you) but then everywhere I think to hide it becomes the most obvious place a thief would look. Eventually I give up and start shopping for security cameras instead (which I also haven’t done because they can’t possibly cover every inch; I know because I’ve worked in places where they had security cameras and we still knew exactly where to stand if we wanted to goof off/chat/smoke and not get caught)

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I just never lock the doors since a) nobody would break in with the idiot dogs barking at them, and b) Effing Scooter has already peed on everything that was ever worth any money, so good luck finding something to steal at my place! So… yeah, not a problem.

    But if I were your husband (heaven forfend!) I would have gone through every aisle of CVS at the proper geriatric pace until you came back.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t worry about thieves so much as rapey serial killers. Or random drunks (that actually happened to someone in our sleepy little Wisconsin town—they heard a noise downstairs during the day, went to investigate, and found a drunk stranger hiding in their closet. So crazy.) Also, my dogs are not barkers—leaners, but not barkers—so they’re no help at all in that scenario.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Christina says:

    I thought in a previous post you mentioned that scumbag landlord was going to let himself in using the spare key in the lockbox outside the house for an inspection. Get the code for that (then change it) and use the lockbox?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yup, he did plan to just let himself in using the lock box key, but literally the first thing we did when we pulled up to this house was snag that key and add it to Husband’s keychain. The lockbox is now empty, which is why Scott was disappointed at his inability to break into my home. That fucking twatwaffle.


  9. Seriously? He has a problem with peeing outside? According to the Hubbit (and all the dogs … most of the time) that’s what outside is FOR.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ever since that fateful ferry ride…


      • Oh man, you are so sneaky! So I had to search “ferry” and yep, there the story was and … oh my. Thanks for the laugh! Although I still don’t understand why he’s the one who’s perturbed by the idea of peeing outdoors. The pee-ees, yes, I can understand why it would be a problem for them, but as the pee-er, all he has to do is improve his pointing skills, right? And anyway, how many Greek tourists do you keep in your backyard?


  10. Once I locked myself out barefoot (I didn’t even intend to shut the door, the air conditioning conspired against me, okay?) and I went to a neighbour to ask to borrow their phone to call a locksmith and the neighbour was all “nah, I’ll just help you break in”. Which he did. Lovely guy.

    Also: “Some people put all their points into intelligence and none into wisdom.” Is excellent and that cultist needs a high five, stat.

    Liked by 1 person

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