I’m Probably Already Dead—That Would Explain a Lot

 

I’ve said before that if you ever see I’ve skipped a post you should assume I’ve been killed by spiders—because it is 100% reasonable to assume it will be the spiders that kill me someday.  I know this because they are out to get me; yes, I have proof and no, I don’t want to talk about it.  That’s not what we’re here for today.

(IT Crowd) Morris Moss pulls out bucket of popcorn and blue soda, excited for story time. "Ok. Ok... GO!"

 

It turns out, I was wrong. 

 

 

Bit of background for you, and a lesson on migraines while we’re at it: I’m on one daily migraine preventative in addition to my regular injections, but mostly I rely on rescue meds.  I’ve made this choice because all migraine medications—rescue or preventative—come with side-effects that range from shitty to life-threatening and I’d rather deal with those side-effects only when I’m miserable enough to bargain my soul away to stop the pain.  My daily preventative, for example, causes a pins-and-needles sensation similar to what you get when your foot falls asleep and the feeling just starts coming back.  Only it stays all goddamned day, and it’s your hands, arms, feet, lower legs, head and face and neck and… it was like fucking ants crawling under my skin while I ramped up my dose and learned to take that shit at night so I could sleep through the worst of it.  It also causes cramps in my extremities—usually little ones, no big deal, but it’s a weird sensation to get a charley horse on the top of your foot or the back of your hand.  Then there are the nights like last night.

 

ME:  (wakes up screaming)
HIM:  (bolts upright, reaches for my legs)
ME:  (gasping, clutches offending leg)
HIM:  (makes soothing noises, massages spasming calf muscle)
ME:  (relieved sigh)  (reaches for water)
HIM:  (kisses my shoulder)  (goes back to sleep)

 

 

We have this routine down, but what about when he’s not here?  Someday I’ll be alone when it happens (women live longer than men, after all) and that, I’m pretty sure, is how I’ll die. 

 

(Breaking Bad) Mike says "This is it. This is how it ends."

 

But that’s years away, isn’t it?  I mean, unless certain Negative Nancys are right and I’m doomed to watch him pack his bags over this blog.  In which case, I’d better hurry up and tell you why we’re here.  Which, as I look back, will take a nothingth of the post up to this point; there may be something wrong with my method.  We’ll have to circle back to that another time.

 

What I wanted to tell you is this: I’m falling apart all over and it’s a source of amusement for him.

 

 

ME:  My left tailbone hurts.
HIM:  Your left tailbone.
ME:  Yeah.
HIM:  Well you’re not supposed to have a left tailbone, so I think we found the problem.  (chuckles)
ME:  (growls)

bandaged cartoon rabbit—Fall Apart Rabbit, from Bonkers

Only Fallapart really understands me.  Does anyone even remember Bonkers anymore?  Of course you don’t… Yet another reason only Fallapart understands me.

 

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12 comments on “I’m Probably Already Dead—That Would Explain a Lot

  1. JenS says:

    Falling apart as we get older is unfortunately universal. I just hope all my stupid aches and pains will not become one massive pain.

    I plan on dying before my Husband and he’s using that stupid excuse of “Men die first” to fight back. No way am I allowing this to happen. He is going to be healthy forever dammit.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think it’s perfectly logical to assume you have a left tailbone if it’s only the left side that hurts.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Terri Delaney says:

    OMG! I’ve had almost this same actual conversation with my husband! Who’s going first, where we want to go when we go and praying I go before he does and his response? Not that I don’t adore you honey, but yeah, I wanna ride this out for as long as I can but you’ll always be with me! WOW! At least he’s honest!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. That chuckle lives at my house to and I HATE that fucker!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Cat B says:

    I was put on Topamax to prevent migraines and I went totally blind for 3 days after taking the 1st (and only) dose. Now I use Zolmitriptan when I feel one coming on. It’s never failed me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Isn’t it funny how wildly different individual reactions are? I use Zomig (zolmitriptan) for rescue on certain migraines (usually when nausea isn’t a component, because the drip gets me every time) but I use Topamax as my preventative because it’s (irony alert) the only thing that keeps my ocular migraines at bay. Before we discovered that trick, I might be going about my life and suddenly my eyes would just take a holiday.

      Like

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