I finished out the haunt season with an antibiotic-resistant sinus infection and pneumonia.
Because—and I really do need to get this on a t-shirt—I can complicate the shit out of anything.
DR T: So your cough is…
ME: (hocks up a lung)
DR T: Right… and your sinuses are still—
ME: Parts of my face are numb.
NURSE: Why you gotta complicate everything?
ME: My motto is, “I can complicate the shit out of anything.”
ME: I was going to stitch it on a pillow, but the project got out of hand…
But the spookiness is over, which means I’ve only got a few weeks of baking until—nevermind, I’ll be murdered if I mention it this early. In the meantime, we’re off to visit Offspring for a quick weekend, as he’s graduating from AIT.
I haven’t decided yet how I’ll embarrass him while we’re there. Thoughts? Suggestions? C’mon, I did all my own stunts for 18 years, I’m open to outsourcing at this point.
ME: You know why your awful cat was starting shit last night?
HIM: … No?
ME: Up on the pillows, when she was growling and spitting.
HIM: I’ve been sleeping with a comforter over my head.
ME: Oh, that makes sense.
HIM: To protect from your cough
ME: (over him) To protect you from her—wait, what?
HIM: … Right. Because of the cat.
ME: That’s not what you said.
HIM: Yes it is.
ME: (narrows eyes)
ME: (snarls) I will cough on you.
HIM: Not through my comforter!
Yep, the second question I asked my doctor was, “Am I contagious?” Because I wasn’t about to go to work if I was still contagious. That’s a dick move, don’t do that. Employers who make people turn up (or make them feel like they need to in order to keep their position or respect) while contagious are actual monsters and you have my permission to do terrible things to their car, their person, or both.
I haven’t been contagious for ages. Which leaves me free to threaten people thus.
CROWD OF MONSTERS: (mills about, in my way)
ME: Move or I will cough on you.
CROWD OF MONSTERS: (disperses)
UNDEAD CULTIST: (stands, smug)
ME: (glares, coughs)
UNDEAD CULTIST: (flees) OH DEAR GOD, THAT WAS LIKE STRAIGHT DEATH!
BROKEN DOLL: Are you sure you should be here?
ME: (shrugs) I’m not contagious anymore.
BROKEN DOLL: Still, that cough…
ME: (proudly) It’s getting pretty good, right? I was up all day working on it.
ASPECT OF DEATH: Oh, honey… cough drop? (offers herbal drop)