Delta Ruins EVERYTHING

 

Here is how fucked up and disorganized I am:

screenshot from previous blog post with sentence circled in pink: "In the meantime, we're off to visit Offspring for a quick weekend, as he's graduating from AIT.

 

I wrote that Monday night and published it on Tuesday.  My actual flight was Tuesday afternoon.

 

Cut to me frantically throwing whatever’s reasonably clean into a carryon, because I have a feeling about this trip and I do not want to check any bags.

Text: "Foreshadowing" (white on grey background)

 

 

 

“Oh,” you say, “but you’re only going to be there for three days, including your travel days.  Why would you need to check a bag?”

 

Are you new here?

background of folded clothes; text reads, Me normally: "That's okay, I'll wear the same shirt for 5 days." Me packing for vacation: "I'll probably change 7 times a day so I'll need 42 shirts."

 

So we’re gonna treat this trip like it happened over the weekend—partly because of my timing fuckup and partly because I am literally typing on a plane, and wouldn’t have been able to upload Tuesday anyway.

in-flight WiFi/smoking/seatbelt sign; the wifi is a LIE

Actually, not sure when this will upload, because hotel wifi is also bullshit.

 

 

ME:  (on jetway, points at small hole in wall, apparently punched in by enraged leprauchan)  That’s confidence-inspiring.
HIM:  (looks, shrugs)  They patched it.
ME:  No they didn’t!
HIM:  (looks again)
ME:  That hasn’t been patched.
HIM:  Yeah… at least it’s not all the way through.
ME:  (gapes)
HIM:  (shrugs)
ME:  (points out additional damage; clearly this wall has been gnawed right through by rodents)
HIM:  …  Yeah, that’s worrying
That brief moment of mature concern for maintenance and airline safety was immediately followed by the realization that I’ve never touched the outside of an airplane.

 

Cut to me not only touching the outside of the plane, but reaching around to paw at the windshield.*

 

Now.  Remember that thing I said about having a “feeling?”

 

We had just got seated on our connecting flight out of Atlanta, so I was moving on to the next step: scoping out the passengers around me, checking for talkers.  (I scan for babies on the way down the aisle—I’m no amateur.)  The woman next to us has, on her lap, a miniature dachshund in a service vest.  The words, “Aww, good boy!”** fling themselves out of my mouth without stopping to consult my brain and said puppy turns to look at me and immediately strains in my direction.

 

ME:  Sorry!
HANDLER:  Don’t be!  If you’re fine with it, he can—
ME:  (whistles)
DOG:  (leaps across aisle, lands in Husband’s lap)  (moves immediately to my lap for kisses)
HANDLER:  (chuckling)  See, you can always tell a dog person.
HIM:  (smiles)
ME:  (coos over little sausage dog’s soft ears)
HANDLER:  Actually, if you wouldn’t mind… I’ve been holding it since Seattle because I had no one to take him.
ME:  (possibly a little louder than intended)  Uh, PLEASE GO PEE SO I CAN HOLD YOUR DOG!
HIM:  (laughs)
HANDLER:  (laughs)
PASSENGERS:  (laugh, wish they had my seat)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT:  (laughs)
GROUND CREW:  (laughs, wonders why they only ever get to fly with babies and talkers and people on some sort of deodorant strike)
HANDLER:  Awww, look—he’s falling asleep.  Never trust anyone if dogs aren’t that comfortable with them.  You know, most of the people today have been upset to be next to a dog!
ME:  (shakes head)  I’ve done my time next to babies.  This is my reward.  I’d much rather be handed a dog than a baby!
HIM:  (agrees)
ME:  (settles in for Best Flight Ever)
DISEMBODIED VOICE:  Ladies and gentlemen, this flight has been cancelled due to weather.
ME:  (looks out window)  (roarsWHAT WEATHER?!?!
HIM:  (tenses)
DISEMBODIED VOICE:  … visibility concerns in Augusta
HIM:  (leans away)
ME:  IT’S AUGUSTA!  WHAT IS THERE TO SEE?
OTHER PASSENGERS:  (grumbles of agreement)
ME:  (turns on nearby flight attendant)  Is he joking?!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT:  (frozen, hands on overhead bin, suddenly aware she’s surrounded)  We never joke about that  (sends Death Glare to partner up front, who has left her back here to be murdered)
DISEMBODIED VOICE:  … no hotels…
PASSENGERS:  (call for mutiny)
ME:  (plans new life as Sky Pirate Captain with my puppy sidekick)
HIM:  (sighs, stands, collects bag)
ME:  (glares)  (quietly)  You never support my dreams.

 

 

 

 

 

* Is it still called a windshield when it’s on an airplane?  Pilots, feel free to correct me in the comments.

** I’m not sure if more people are getting the service animals they need (which would make me happy) or if it’s just easier to travel with your service animal than it used to be (which would also make me happy!) but I saw soooo many good dogs in the airports on this trip.  And yes, that is my immediate reaction whenever I see one—my brain just blurts, “that’s a good boy!”  This was the first time I didn’t hold it in.  I’m not sure my mouth learned the right lesson.

 

 

 

 

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7 comments on “Delta Ruins EVERYTHING

  1. So the flight was cancelled… AND you had to give back the dog? That’s just wrong, in so many ways.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Jen says:

    I ignore any dogs that are “service animals” because I’ve heard a lot of complaints about people distracting animals and literally going up to a service animal and petting it without permission.

    I can totally see how after your saw that cutie that you would end up blurting that out. lol. I’m glad you got to spend some time with the Pup, even if it was only a small amount of time.

    Service dogs or cats for nervous people on planes would be my ideal.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Same; I clamp down so hard on that urge to cuddle the Good Dog because he’s working and his job is hella important. Which is why I was so embarrassed that I just blurted it out, but I’ve never been on a plane next to one. Just sick people, screaming children, and dudes who can’t wait to give me investment/relationship advice.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Gale says:

    Oh! Please do tell us more about your plans for your “new life as Sky Pirate Captain with my puppy sidekick”!

    Liked by 1 person

    • First of all, the hat? Glorious. And we’d spend at least an hour every day doing that climb-and-freefall thing so we could pretend to be astronauts in space. I hadn’t quite worked out the pillaging aspect, since I’m afraid of heights, but I probably would have if I’d had more than a few seconds to think on it.

      Liked by 1 person

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