Here is how fucked up and disorganized I am:
I wrote that Monday night and published it on Tuesday. My actual flight was Tuesday afternoon.
Cut to me frantically throwing whatever’s reasonably clean into a carryon, because I have a feeling about this trip and I do not want to check any bags.
“Oh,” you say, “but you’re only going to be there for three days, including your travel days. Why would you need to check a bag?”
Are you new here?
So we’re gonna treat this trip like it happened over the weekend—partly because of my timing fuckup and partly because I am literally typing on a plane, and wouldn’t have been able to upload Tuesday anyway.
ME: (on jetway, points at small hole in wall, apparently punched in by enraged leprauchan) That’s confidence-inspiring.
HIM: (looks, shrugs) They patched it.
ME: No they didn’t!
HIM: (looks again)
ME: That hasn’t been patched.
HIM: Yeah… at least it’s not all the way through.
ME: (points out additional damage; clearly this wall has been gnawed right through by rodents)
HIM: … Yeah, that’s worrying
That brief moment of mature concern for maintenance and airline safety was immediately followed by the realization that I’ve never touched the outside of an airplane.
Cut to me not only touching the outside of the plane, but reaching around to paw at the windshield.*
Now. Remember that thing I said about having a “feeling?”
We had just got seated on our connecting flight out of Atlanta, so I was moving on to the next step: scoping out the passengers around me, checking for talkers. (I scan for babies on the way down the aisle—I’m no amateur.) The woman next to us has, on her lap, a miniature dachshund in a service vest. The words, “Aww, good boy!”** fling themselves out of my mouth without stopping to consult my brain and said puppy turns to look at me and immediately strains in my direction.
HANDLER: Don’t be! If you’re fine with it, he can—
DOG: (leaps across aisle, lands in Husband’s lap) (moves immediately to my lap for kisses)
HANDLER: (chuckling) See, you can always tell a dog person.
ME: (coos over little sausage dog’s soft ears)
HANDLER: Actually, if you wouldn’t mind… I’ve been holding it since Seattle because I had no one to take him.
ME: (possibly a little louder than intended) Uh, PLEASE GO PEE SO I CAN HOLD YOUR DOG!
PASSENGERS: (laugh, wish they had my seat)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (laughs)
GROUND CREW: (laughs, wonders why they only ever get to fly with babies and talkers and people on some sort of deodorant strike)
HANDLER: Awww, look—he’s falling asleep. Never trust anyone if dogs aren’t that comfortable with them. You know, most of the people today have been upset to be next to a dog!
ME: (shakes head) I’ve done my time next to babies. This is my reward. I’d much rather be handed a dog than a baby!
ME: (settles in for Best Flight Ever)
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Ladies and gentlemen, this flight has been cancelled due to weather.
ME: (looks out window) (roars) WHAT WEATHER?!?!
DISEMBODIED VOICE: … visibility concerns in Augusta
HIM: (leans away)
ME: IT’S AUGUSTA! WHAT IS THERE TO SEE?
OTHER PASSENGERS: (grumbles of agreement)
ME: (turns on nearby flight attendant) Is he joking?!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (frozen, hands on overhead bin, suddenly aware she’s surrounded) We never joke about that (sends Death Glare to partner up front, who has left her back here to be murdered)
DISEMBODIED VOICE: … no hotels…
PASSENGERS: (call for mutiny)
ME: (plans new life as Sky Pirate Captain with my puppy sidekick)
HIM: (sighs, stands, collects bag)
ME: (glares) (quietly) You never support my dreams.
* Is it still called a windshield when it’s on an airplane? Pilots, feel free to correct me in the comments.
** I’m not sure if more people are getting the service animals they need (which would make me happy) or if it’s just easier to travel with your service animal than it used to be (which would also make me happy!) but I saw soooo many good dogs in the airports on this trip. And yes, that is my immediate reaction whenever I see one—my brain just blurts, “that’s a good boy!” This was the first time I didn’t hold it in. I’m not sure my mouth learned the right lesson.