An Un-fun Update, But With Lube

 

Apologies in advance: this is more of an update, and probably not at all funny.  Something funny did happen and I do want to tell you about it, but I also want to keep you current on things that… well, you know.  So if you’re only here for the funny, go ahead and click off now, or re-read this post, which still makes Husband laugh.  I won’t judge.

(Mad Men) Joan Holloway, arms crossed, giving you a super-judgy once-over

Maybe just a little… 

 

 

Still here?  Okay.

 

There I was, recovering from—as you’ll recall—pneumonia, a particularly nasty sinus infection, and a barrage of germs from having sat in four flying sardine cans in three days.

 

Honestly, it’s a wonder I could breathe at all.

Knock! Knock! (comic-style)

Hang on, I’m telling this in the wrong order.  But it’s only because things were a bit hectic.  Can we back up a few days?

pop-art rotary phone; RING! RING!

 

That was Bob; he wanted to come over, and since I was only mostly dead I graciously put the kettle on and welcomed him into my germicile.

 

 

BOB:  I just wanted to show you something… (hands me printout)
ME:  (looks)  Okay, that’s the—
BOB:  Yep, that’s the docket for that day, and Scott’s scheduled as (points) representing Sham Property Management Inc LLC—and he’ll have to have a lawyer with him, of course, because it’s a corporation.
ME:  Right.
BOB:  But honestly, I’m going to call and tell him—well, I’ll leave him a message; he’s not answering my calls anymore—but I’m gonna tell him not to even bother showing up because he’s not in compliance.
ME:  (shakes head)
BOB:  The judge would just tell him to get it fixed and come back when he’s ready to plead guilty and say, “but it’s fixed now.”
ME:  The way people are supposed to do.
BOB:  Exactly.  And then… (shuffles papers nervously)
ME:  (bites lip)
BOB:  You know I’ve put this off as long as I could.
ME:  I know.
BOB:  I just… I could lose my job over this, I delayed so long.
ME:  I know, and I don’t want that.
BOB:  But maybe this will light a fire under them…
ME:  (reins in panic)
ALEXANDER HAMILTON:  (paws at my leg)
BOB:  (glances at Ham)  I know, I don’t want to upset you but… (hands me paper)
ME:  (pats Ham, takes paper)
BOB:  See, we’re just saying that you have two weeks—that’s more than my boss would want me to give you—to get them to get everything fixed or you have to move out.
ME:  (stops breathing entirely)
BOB:  I hate to do this—
ME:  (squeaks)
BOB:  But maybe if you tell them—
ME:  Yeah, I’m gonna do that right now (reaches for phone, starts composing scathing text to Scott)
BOB:  I’m really sorry.
ME:  I know.
BOB:  I just…
ME:  Yeah.
BOB:  Keep me posted, okay?
ME:  Will do.  Thanks Bob.
BOB:  (leaves)
HAMILTON:  (demands up so he can calm me)

Fluffy orange cat, paw fisted under chin, probably thinking about cuddles

Hmmm… she needs cuddles.

 

You’ll recall that Scott was given 30 days to fix this dump and get it re-inspected.  If you are possessed of such a memory—or have already clicked that link and caught up—you will also recall this was several months ago.

 

Scott’s not only a dick, he’s a lazy dick.  The worst kind.

String of angry texts. First reads: "I just got a visit from Bob, from the City. I'm going to need my rent refunded immediately" next reads, "I've been given two weeks to move out of the house, so I need my rent and FULL deposit back right away" final message reads, "We will also need our moving costs covered, since this entire mess is the fault of your company."

 

No response.

 

So I sent basically the same info in an online Maintenance Request (remember how I’ve been harassing them?) stating they need to get all that shit fixed and the inspection done before the deadline or I would be demanding a full refund of all rent and my deposit and moving expenses covered.

 

Which brings us to the knock on the door.

 

Man with toolbelt, in plaid shirt and jeans; he is smiling at camera and pointing at something behind him and to the side

We’re gonna call this guy Joe, because I can never remember his actual name; he works for the company hired by Sham Property Management Inc, LLC

 

JOE:  Did they tell you I was comin’?
ME:  (shrugs)  You know how they are.
JOE:  Well, and they’re pretty busy right now…
ME:  (smiles)  Come on in.
JOE:  (entering)  I am now in possession of the full inspection list for your house—I didn’t have that before.
ME:  Tch.
JOE:  Yeah, I know, right?  So now I can get crackin’ on everything and try to get this shit sorted because I understand you’ve got a time crunch—
ME:  That’s one way to put it (eyeballs scary paper on end table)
JOE:  Well I wanted to stop by today to make sure the electrician has done his job—
ME:  Electrical hasn’t been by.
JOE:  …
ME:  …
JOE:  He hasn’t been… ?
ME:  Nope.
JOE:  Okay.  I’m gonna call about that.  We’ll get ‘im out here.  But one thing worried me, I did see on that list that you’ve got some windows that don’t quite open?
ME:  In the bedroom, yeah.  Now the first guy came by and muscled them open and said, “see, they work” so I wasn’t sure—
JOE:  Did he work for our company?
ME:  No, he’s Scott’s friend.  He’s a part time contractor and he—and I’m quoting him here—“doesn’t have time for all this shit.”
JOE:  Scott…
ME:  Scott Dickweasel,* at Sham Property Management?
JOE:  (sighs, shakes head)
ME:  (raises eyebrow)
JOE:  Let me go get some lube.  (turns to leave)
ME:  Uh… you mean like WD-40, right?
JOE:  Yeah, I’ll start with that.  I’ve got a few kinds in my truck.
ME:  K.
JOE:  (leaves)
ME:  (to Hamilton)  Just… the way he said that…
HAMILTON:  Brrrrt!
ME:  Right?

Sterling Archer in a towel, protective mask, rubber gloves and holding a ping pong paddle asks, "Woodhouse, we got any lube? Like at this point even olive oil would—" His mother, Mallory Archer glares at him in the foreground.

Phrasing!

 

Joe fixed the windows, took a look around at a few other things, and we scheduled some stuff.  I filled Husband in on the rest when he got home:

 

 

ME:  So here’s a thing: Joe says his whole team has been pulled off all their other work to, quote, “deal with this Sham business.”
HIM:  (confused)
ME:  As in, all the Sham Property Management Inc. LLC properties in and around St Louis.  They’re all facing the same kind of code issues.
HIM:  (stunned)  Wait—
ME:  Remember how Bob said he was gonna call his colleagues in other areas to check on Sham houses?
HIM:  (laughs)  Scott is soooo fucked.
ME:  Yup.  Also, the maintenance company is now handling everything to do with the inspections.
HIM:  So they’re doing all the sub-contracting, or…?
ME:  Yeah, but also they’re scheduling the inspections.  Basically, all that shit Scott was never gonna do.
HIM:  If all their houses are the same, that’s better for us in court.  I still think we need to talk to a lawyer before we move out.
ME:  Yeah, but we may not have to move out, that’s my point.
HIM:  (doubtful)  Maybe…
ME:  And also, this might explain why Scott hasn’t been answering my texts or taking my calls.
HIM:  How so?
ME:  If he’s already been fired…
HIM:  (shrugs)  It’s possible.

 

 

What do you think?  Dare I hope he’s out of a job?

 

Or is that petty of me?

Reese Witherspoon in Big Little Lies, saying, "I love my grudges. I tend to them like little pets."

 

 

* Probably his actual name, but not the one he puts on business cards.

 

 

 

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17 comments on “An Un-fun Update, But With Lube

  1. What a nightmare. I’m amazed you have any sense of humor left about it at all….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is a nightmare. Im
    planning to move and get an apartment while looking for houses and ‘I’m indoors stays in NY to finish up. I bet pack my shitkickers, sounds like I might need them 😳

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jack Herlocker says:

    Would this be (and I’m sure it isn’t, or you’d have explored it by now) a good time to look at properties to purchase? Just as a possible out?

    Liked by 1 person

    • We still haven’t sold the Wisconsin house, so… no? Plus, we’re not familiar enough with the area to commit to where we’d want to own. I’m fine with looking at 1 year rentals, but nothing I’m finding (that’s decent and will take our large dogs and our cats—what is it with places being cool with large dogs but not fluffy mini lions?) is available until sometime in December.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jack Herlocker says:

        Then best wishes, dear lady, for you and your hubs and your furry family.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Just want to say – and I’m wearing my rescue person hat here (I talk through my hat. Don’t judge me. It’s what I do.) Where was I? Oh yes…

        “Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for not being that person who says, ‘It’s breaking my heart because I love them so much but I have to give up my *insert species here* because I’m moving to another state / can’t find a rental that will allow them, so sad, see the tears’.”

        Seriously, thank you. You have no idea how many states in the US don’t allow pets, yet people with pets keep moving to them and feeling SO SAD.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Jeffy says:

    I hate moving, and even after years of renting we haven’t had as many issues as you’ve had in the last few months. I am so sorry, and on top of not being able to breathe!
    I don’t get the cats thing either. Hey landlord, you’d let people bring their small humans here, right? How much damage do you think they do compared to my mini lion (in your case) or my alien monkey cats (in my case)? That’s what I thought.
    Stay strong, kick their respective asses and feel better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Right? They wouldn’t dare keep kids out (I mean, some neighborhoods do, and I don’t blame them, but a landlord doing it over potential damage would be crucified by local media. But my dogs aren’t going to color on the walls, or spill Kool-Aid on the carpet, or play with matches and burn this shit down, so who’s really the bigger risk?

      Like

  5. Judge away. I’m with Husband – it was funny.
    Okay, now going back to read this latest piece of crazy.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This whole situation is completely ridiculous and must be so stressful. It’s good you can be funny about it though. I really hope things get sorted without you having to move out!

    Liked by 1 person

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