Can You Have Too Many Probes?


Friday’s child was un-fun and I promised you something lighter.


Can we talk holiday prep?  Because it’s me, and you know it’s already ridiculous.


This is my new favorite thing in the whole wide world:


red and white ribbon-wrapped pen with red maribou feather topper and jingle bells on top; lying across open planner page.


How… everything is that?  Sure, it’s not glittery—I actually thought about adding glitter or rinestones, but I didn’t want to be tacky.


(How the Grinch Stole Christmas scene) stylish who Martha May Whovier uses a string-light shooting christmas machine gun to fire lights onto her house

Also me.


And the best part?  They were basically giving them away!  In the grocery store, of all places!  We’d been to every market in all of St Louis—because (and seriously, what is your fucking deal, Missouri?) apparently they throw out all of their pumpkins on November 1st, and the idea that someone might actually use a real pumpkin for, you know, baking pumpkin things was a totally foreign concept to everyone I spoke with last week.



ME:  I think I offended Brad.
HIM:  ?
ME:  The produce guy.  Did you hear that conversation?
HIM:  No, I was too far away.
ME:  I kept asking—because he said they didn’t have pumpkins, but that doesn’t mean there are none anywhere in the city—where I can buy pumpkins.
HIM:  (nods)
ME:  And he told me to check down in the baking aisle.  He said, “we’ve got some down there.  They’re in cans, but—“
HIM:  (winces)  Ohh.
ME:  Yeah.  And I stopped him.  I said, “No, honey.  Canned pumpkin is for dogs.  I need actual pumpkins.”  He flinched.  Like I’d slapped him.
HIM:  (laughs)  I did see your interaction, and it seemed to not go well.  I mean… and it did look like maybe he was offended at something.
ME:  I’m sorry if canned pumpkin is his favoritest food in the world or something, but…
HIM:  No, we do.
ME:  That’s honestly why I keep a can in the house.  For the dogs.  When they have diarrhea.  Stops ‘em right up.  Think about that, Brad.
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  (sighs)



So it got later and later, the night we met Brad, but I was determined to find pumpkins.  I won’t tell you where we finally got them, because there’s no point.  I cleaned them out.

Five pie pumpkins, halved and laid out on two baking sheets.


These have to last through Thanksgiving and Christmas, because we may have to convert a guest who thinks she doesn’t like pumpkin.*


So there we were, buying pumpkins and whatnot in the very last store in the very last neighborhood of the night…



ME:  You want to grab some pies while we’re here?**
HIM:  I’m… I can’t.  I can’t think anymore, or make decisions.  I’m sorry, I hurt and I’m…
ME:  You’re out of fucks.  I understand.
HIM:  (sighs)
ME:  … Can I show you something that might help?
HIM:  Sure…
ME:  (brandishes jingle bell pen)
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  Oh, this is happening.  In fact, this will never not be happening again.
HIM:  (still laughing)  Okay.  But let’s get out of here, k?
ME:  (nods, jingles)


As of the moment this post goes live, we are still not 100% sure Offspring will be joining us for Thanksgiving.  He’s planning on it, we’re hoping for it, but… there are still hiccups getting him situated in his new unit and that’s a possible barrier to holiday travel.  Plus, at best he’ll be flying on Thursday, so… nervous!


Does this stop me from planning a ridiculous feast in order to send him home with a week’s worth of leftovers?

Will Ferrell (Elf) excited; text reads, "It's November. Can I put up my Christmas tree yet?"

Remember who you’re talking to.




But all that planning has exposed some deficiencies in my (famously) shitty kitchen.  Which is fine, because it’s an opportunity to shop.  Online, of course, because I cannot be arsed to actually get dressed and venture out unless it’s for socializing.  Or candles.  Or those amazing pretzels at that one pub… shit, now I’m hungry.  Where was I?


Right.  His insufferable lack of appreciation for all the things I do for him.



ME:  One thing I can’t do without for Thanksgiving is a probe thermometer—we need to replace ours, and I’m sick of the cheap ones.  Can you research—
HIM:  Yep.  On it.
ME:  Thank you.
HIM:  … I recommend this one.  Now, six probes might seem like overkill but I’m also thinking of using it for barbeque.  We’re in St Louis, after all.
ME:  (sighs)  I’m not angry at multiple probes—I actually think I would use that.  Because sometimes I’ve got multiple things that need…
HIM:  (nods)
ME:  … probing.
HIM:  Exactly!
ME:  …
HIM:  …
ME:  Are you kidding?
HIM:  (confused)
ME:  I handed that to you.
HIM:  Oh…
ME:  You know what?  I’m gonna go (points) but when I come back, you’d better have a joke ready.  (stalks off)  (mutters)  Perfectly good setup wasted.

Janeane Garofalo eyeroll and walk away






*More on her later—I should probably get permission from Offspring before I tell you all about his girlfriend.

** Yes, I make the pumpkin pie from real pumpkins and the rest of them from frozen.  Welcome to my brand of insanity.  If anyone else was capable of making a decent pumpkin pie I wouldn’t have to do this.




18 comments on “Can You Have Too Many Probes?

  1. Jack Herlocker says:

    Wait. Offspring got a girlfriend in boot camp? How does that even work?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so that guest that doesn’t like pumpkin. Blech!
    Yay for multiple probes though. One can never have enough probes….

    Liked by 1 person

  3. mondayswitholiver says:

    I grow buttercup squash and for years my pies were made from squash (google it..most canned pumpkin is a mix of squash and pumpkin). My daughter realized this when she was around 12 and refused to eat another squash pie. Last year my crop failed so no fresh squash. I told her I had to make pie from a can. She ate it and declared it THE BEST pumpkin pie. Little did she know I had found a gallon of frozen squash in the deep freeze and used it 😂😂😂.

    Also we have an igrill thermometer for smoking/grilling. It sends a signal to your phone so you don’t have to freeze your ass off to go check it during the winter 😁

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’ve never tried buttercup—I actually had to google it, I was so sure you’d got the name of your own squash wrong. I may give it a taste test if I find it around and keep it in mind as a backup plan in the future, but I’m surprisingly picky about my squash; everyone’s gone bonkers about butternut and I’m like, “How do you not notice it tastes exactly like baby food?”

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Okay, so you’re the one person in the world who will understand my complaint. This year I raised LOTS of pumpkins. Yes, in my garden. Maybe 50 of them. Maybe 100. I didn’t get to count because EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE GOT FED TO THE CATTLE. I didn’t get to make pumpkin soup. I didn’t get to can or freeze any for the dogs. I RAISED PUMPKINS and my dogs are still going to have to get the canned stuff every time they’re loose or stopped up (it works for both, by the way).

    Pumpkin pie, on the other hand, is disgusting. I think you have to be born American to understand it – kind of like being president … You have to be orange all the way down…

    Liked by 1 person

    • My dear, pumpkinless friend. To you I gift another American marvel: the sweet potato pie. It’s orange, but please don’t hold that against it; the pie itself tastes like a hug from the Lord and if you’re bringing that glory to the party no one will complain about the lack of pumpkin pie. (It’s difficult to complain with your mouth full of pie)


      • Now that sounds like something I’d be willing to try. Especially if it’s made with sweet potato (the white, firm-fleshed ones) rather than yams (the orange ones with squashy texture). The ONLY way to eat yams is baked in a large dish under lots of little marshmallows. I haven’t lived here long – only 20 years – but that much I know.


  5. I risk being disinherited if this gets out, but my mother makes pumpkin pie from pumpkins and it tastes *exactly* like Sara Lee’s frozen pumpkin pie.

    Of course, this year my grocery store failed to stock any (which is another clear sign that civilization is ending), so I had to try two other kinds and they were both not quite right but I’m too lazy to start baking pumpkins and mashing and all that stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Honestly, I use “carving” pumpkins rather than “baking” pumpkins every year except this one—since I usually carve for Halloween, I’ve already got guts on-hand and they boil in their own liquid, then I toss ’em in the blender with the spices and whatnot. My recipe, born of laziness, is still the best I’ve ever had (and preferred by all over this year’s more difficult baking pumpkins, who are not welcome in my home ever again.)

      Failure to stock pumpkin pie is just asking for an adult tantrum in the frozen foods aisle.


  6. I have learnt so much here today.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Allison says:

    I wonder if it was a bad year for pumpkins? I make a pumpkin soup every year with calabaza squash, and this year there were simply none to be had. I had a tough time finding sugar pumpkins to substitute, and finally found someone who had one on their porch and offered to buy it! Grocery stores had NOTHING, and I can usually get one for Thanksgiving!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Losing the Plot says:

    I’m dyslexic. I read the post title wrong, so the post didn’t go where I thought it was gonna, which is kind of a relief, and a surprise. Yay! And good work on the pumpkins!

    Liked by 1 person

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