Dear Missouri (Part II)


Dear Missouri,


What’s your fucking deal?


No, I’m being serious here.  And—to avoid confusion—this time I’m speaking directly to the citizens of Missouri, as opposed to the state itself (we’ll get back to you, I’m sure).



Before I rant on you, let’s give the folks at home some context for my complaint:

view from a window: light dusting of snow through which grass, leaves and rocks are still visible; a similarly translucent layer of snow has landed on the coolest parts of the road and is being blown around.

That is the amount of “snow” we got.  Which is why the reaction from our new friends here in St Louis surprised us…



BARTENDER:  Oof.  It’s really coming down out there!
HIM:  (gives me The Look)
ME:  (bites lip, says nothing)
ADAM:  Woah… roads are lookin’ pretty nasty.
ME:  (turns to share joke with him)
ADAM:  (wears serious, concerned face)
ME:  (chokes on urge to mock)
HIM:  (looks away)
HIM:  (sprains eyeballs)
ME:  (texts Audrey back in Wisconsin, to facilitate silent mocking)
ADAM:  (still looking at “snow”)  Yeah, that’s gonna make for a fun drive home.
ME:  Aww, it’s just fluff!
ADAM:  You don’t have to drive 45 minutes in it!
ME:  (watches “snow” literally blow away)  Umm… (looks at Adam, considers possibility that he is much younger than he looks and this is actually his first winter)

Woman in beanie has confused "wut?" reaction

Sounds crazy, but it would explain so. Much.


Now, before you come at me, People Who Live In Greener Climates, I have been assured by all that it does indeed snow every goddamned winter here in Missouri.  Therefore, unless the person I’m talking to is also a new transplant—but like from Florida or something—they should not be unfamiliar with this white stuff that falls from the sky.


Which brings us to:


Dear Missouri,

Have you heard of seasons? 

Sorry, I know that was a little harsh.  But seriously… do you not remember how all this same stuff happened last year?  And the year before that?  I’m watching y’all walk around surprised by your own goddamned weather that’s going more or less exactly as it was described to me by people who haven’t lived here for over a decade.**  And every time that happens I’m left wondering if the person I’m facing is in fact a giant, super-advanced one-year-old who has never seen a winter and it’s freaking me out.

Missouri, one of us has got to calm the fuck down.  And—you’d understand if you knew me a little better—it’s probably going to have to be you.  I know, the numbers say it should be me but… I’m just not built that way.

my long hair in pigtails, dyed green and red for Christmas. Yes, really.

My actual hair right now.  Jingle ALL the way, bitches.


But!  I think you’ll see a benefit to this calming the fuck down over your fluffy little “snow” (seriously, Rest of the World, it’s like chalk dust—you don’t even shovel it, you just sweep it away or maybe break out the leaf blower if you want it off your lawn as well.)  See, once you stop having a total meltdown in the presence of three visible flakes, you might just learn how to drive in the stuff.



HIM:  (points at gps)  It’s got us on surface roads.
ME:  Highways must be bad then.  People be losin’ their shit.
HIM:  Yeah, might be something happened…
ME:  You mean like an accident.
HIM:  Something.
ME:  Like an accident.
HIM:  A something.
ME:  An accident, maybe?
HIM:  You don’t know, it could be an on purpose!

roads dusted with immesurably small quantity of snow; a car approaches with high beams on

Seriously, this is as bad as it got.





* Yes, there was a German conversation group beer and pretzeling it up at the next table.  Husband and I both perked up, though I imagine he understood much more than I did.  I mostly mocked them when they kept forgetting their purpose and switching back to English.

** This is not a statement about climate change; I’m aware the snow came a little earlier than you were used to seeing, but it was still the exact same fucking snow.





20 comments on “Dear Missouri (Part II)

  1. Jeffy says:

    I see your snow in Missouri and the local response to same and raise you Sydney siders in the rain… We are not good with it, even when it doesn’t cause floods. Which it did this week…
    God knows what we’d make of snow😂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Okay, but—and here we’re going to address more of my ignorance, because that’s the sort of week we’re having, apparently—does it really rain all that often there? Yes, I know your island is actually quite large, but for me it’s all one great dusty desert with a mud puddle in the middle for all the kangaroos to fight over and like three cities (which are secretly just one city that packs up and moves while you’re on the train—admit it! You’re playing a massive prank on tourists! It’s like John Oliver’s Olson twin theory) that still manage to get shit internet on account of the giant spiders, who sit atop your home and swat down any good signal, or hope, that might sneak through the unforgiving rays of your second sun.

      Again, I freely admit I might have one or two things wrong. I’ve never been to Oz.


  2. You rarely find that in Maine. If we don’t get a foot, we barely notice it’s there. Unless the Snowbirds have returned from Florida for the holidays and completely forgotten how to drive in it. Then it’s every man for himself because shit is about to get real on the highway.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. jen7iris says:

    Ugh – yes, Missouri people are the worst about snow (or rain for that matter). I’ve finally realized that the issue is that people here drive in the rain as if there’s a foot of snow. So, when it actually snows, it’s just game over. That little snow we had…we had a woman here at work that stayed home. Actually announced the day before that she’d be taking a “snow day” the next day…BEFORE IT HAD EVEN SNOWED AT ALL. She claims that her driveway is a hill and therefore, if it snows even a little, it’s is impassable to her. Please picture my extreme eye roll. She drives a huge 4 wheel drive Jeep, by the way and goes off-roading in it all the time, so one would think she could handle a drive way with a little bit of dusting of snow on it. I’m a transplant from Colorado and I love snow and wish it would snow more, but around here, people act like the world is ending and everyone should stock up to be snowbound for months.

    Liked by 1 person

    • They. Closed. The. Schools.

      Do you remember what it took in Colorado for them to close the schools? Pretty much the only time I remember it happening is when wet snow managed to snap a power line and they literally had no power and they estimated it would take more than a few hours to get it fixed. Anything short of that, you were expected to get your ass in and take that exam.

      Liked by 1 person

      • jen7iris says:

        Yep. I mean, it would have to be a ton of snow and falling too fast for them to clear the roads for them to call it off in Colorado. And there was no staying home from work unless the road was impassable as well.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Okay, so I did live in Missouri for a couple years as a kid, although a bit farther south. From what I remember, the first year we were there we got maybe an inch on the ground at one point (and since my parents bought us a sled, we took our California selves outside and sliced up the lawn for hours before they ran out and bought us saucers).

    The year we left they did end up with almost a foot of snow on the ground and everything pretty much stopped, but that was the most snow they’d seen in the last ten years. So… maybe your fellow citizens haven’t seen snow in a while?

    Or maybe they had a bunch of people move there from Florida in the last year like you said.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Katherine says:

    Chiming in from Michigan and my experience with people freaking out about the snow is when it’s the first snow of the season. Somehow everyone seems to have forgotten how to drive in the snow and there is much wringing of hands. Then after the snow comes regularly, they all chill out about it

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’ve never seen real snow up close (snow caps in the distance don’t count), so I’m probably not your target audience. With that amount of snow, I would be just running around screaming “EEEEEEE” in delight.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Us British completely lose it when there’s a forecast of snow. As the first flakes fall, once we’ve finished wetting ourselves with the excitement, we then complain about how everything has ground to a halt because of a bit of snow. There’s no pleasing us. Then 48 hours in, our Blitz Spirit takes over and the headlines are all about how communities are pulling together and all hail the Postie and the NHS! Our infrastructure and transport isn’t built for snow because it doesn’t happen often enough, then we comment ‘Well, how come the Scandinavians and Canadians cope?’. We’re so stupid. This time last year it snowed heavy and fast. I remember shutting my shop early, as did everyone, as there weren’t many customers and people were worried about getting home!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. jen7iris says:

    And now it’s snowing again. So everyone can’t handle it again. Even though the roads are clear and it’s to warm for it to even stay on the grass. Someone in my office said they almost turned around and went home this morning on the way to work because they didn’t want to deal with it. I think I permanently hurt my eyesight when I rolled my eyes so hard.

    Liked by 1 person

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