What’s your fucking deal?
No, I’m being serious here. And—to avoid confusion—this time I’m speaking directly to the citizens of Missouri, as opposed to the state itself (we’ll get back to you, I’m sure).
Before I rant on you, let’s give the folks at home some context for my complaint:
That is the amount of “snow” we got. Which is why the reaction from our new friends here in St Louis surprised us…
BARTENDER: Oof. It’s really coming down out there!
HIM: (gives me The Look)
ME: (bites lip, says nothing)
ADAM: Woah… roads are lookin’ pretty nasty.
ME: (turns to share joke with him)
ADAM: (wears serious, concerned face)
ME: (chokes on urge to mock)
HIM: (looks away)
GERMAN CONVERSATION GROUP:* (singing) OH THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS FRIGHTFUL…
HIM: (sprains eyeballs)
ME: (texts Audrey back in Wisconsin, to facilitate silent mocking)
ADAM: (still looking at “snow”) Yeah, that’s gonna make for a fun drive home.
ME: Aww, it’s just fluff!
ADAM: You don’t have to drive 45 minutes in it!
ME: (watches “snow” literally blow away) Umm… (looks at Adam, considers possibility that he is much younger than he looks and this is actually his first winter)
Now, before you come at me, People Who Live In Greener Climates, I have been assured by all that it does indeed snow every goddamned winter here in Missouri. Therefore, unless the person I’m talking to is also a new transplant—but like from Florida or something—they should not be unfamiliar with this white stuff that falls from the sky.
Which brings us to:
Have you heard of seasons?
Sorry, I know that was a little harsh. But seriously… do you not remember how all this same stuff happened last year? And the year before that? I’m watching y’all walk around surprised by your own goddamned weather that’s going more or less exactly as it was described to me by people who haven’t lived here for over a decade.** And every time that happens I’m left wondering if the person I’m facing is in fact a giant, super-advanced one-year-old who has never seen a winter and it’s freaking me out.
Missouri, one of us has got to calm the fuck down. And—you’d understand if you knew me a little better—it’s probably going to have to be you. I know, the numbers say it should be me but… I’m just not built that way.
But! I think you’ll see a benefit to this calming the fuck down over your fluffy little “snow” (seriously, Rest of the World, it’s like chalk dust—you don’t even shovel it, you just sweep it away or maybe break out the leaf blower if you want it off your lawn as well.) See, once you stop having a total meltdown in the presence of three visible flakes, you might just learn how to drive in the stuff.
HIM: (points at gps) It’s got us on surface roads.
ME: Highways must be bad then. People be losin’ their shit.
HIM: Yeah, might be something happened…
ME: You mean like an accident.
ME: Like an accident.
HIM: A something.
ME: An accident, maybe?
HIM: You don’t know, it could be an on purpose!
* Yes, there was a German conversation group beer and pretzeling it up at the next table. Husband and I both perked up, though I imagine he understood much more than I did. I mostly mocked them when they kept forgetting their purpose and switching back to English.
** This is not a statement about climate change; I’m aware the snow came a little earlier than you were used to seeing, but it was still the exact same fucking snow.